Saturday 29 December 2012

Things are not good. I'm still not sleeping. But that's because my mind's been running too fast for me to shut my eyes. I just can't relax, my mind is running for no reason and I can't get my thoughts straight. I'm thinking about everything and nothing. It's driving me mad. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm so on edge it's unbelievable. I want to cry all the time and I often do. I've been getting angry at the smallest things and self harming every day. My thoughts are erratic, and I feel like I've been making absolutely no sense. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't even know exactly what I'm feeling. I started feeling this way last Tuesday or Wednesday, and I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since. It's been nearly two weeks. I thought it was because it was the week before Christmas, but it didn't go away. There was no trigger and there is no end, it's a constant 24/7 feeling. It just came out of the blue.
I am just edgy all the time, can't get my thoughts straight, my mind is running, I'm jittery, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I can't even relax, and it's making it worse. I feel like I'm completely losing my mind. There's no reason to be feeling this way, whatever 'this way' is.

I'm sorry that I'm just making no sense at all lately. I don't know what's going on. I'm trying to explain what's going on but I really don't know. And now I'm crying again. Fuck. It's not normal anxiety. I've ever felt like this before. I'm losing my mind.

8 comments:

  1. Hey, I understand. I've been feeling this way lately too. No words to explain it.
    I've been eating more consistently, not fear foods, but things I like such as fruits and vegetables. It's helped a ton. I'm not gaining weight but I have energy and happiness.
    I just realized a few days ago that there's no need to put myself through all this pain. What would the outcome be? More suffering? Death? What ever it is, it does not beat happiness.
    Sometimes I like loathing in self-pity. I like cry for days and feeling hopeless and fat. But I have started to break through that. I DON'T want to feel that way. There is so much to life. MORE than food and weight. There are new people, places, and experiences waiting in the future. I just have to get through these rough times.
    Trust me, it won't last forever. YOU can decide it's time frame. I'm here for you though I don't know you in person. All I know is that you deserve happiness just like every other person/organism on this planet. NOTHING less.

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    1. Hey, thanks for your comment.

      My eating habits didn't change when it started, nothing changed. I've been eating pretty similarly as I have been for months, just fewer treats I really didn't want any more.
      I actually don't think it's much related to my ED at all, more anxiety and general issues.
      Like I said, I thought it was the build-up to Christmas that triggered me feeling this way, but it didn't stop. It's come completely out of the blue, and it's driving me insane.

      It's good to hear you've had a breakthrough! You're right, we do all deserve happiness even if we don't think so ourselves. No one deserves to go through these things. I hope you're able to continue on this road, I really do, even though I don't know you. You've found happiness and that's fantastic to hear from anyone! :)

      xxBella

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  2. Clare always tells me that when I'm unwell or physically weaker then I'm more emotional and on edge, and it tens to be true, the more fragile I am the more on edgy and fragile emotionally I am, perhaps it's similar? Maybe it started with the Christmas anxiety, but when you got sleep deprived you became more on edge because you were sleep deprived but now it's escalated and with your weight loss as well, it could have made you more emotional? Only a thought, I don't know if there is truth in it, just pondering whether it could be similar to how I work. I'm really sorry you are so unhappy Bella, maybe you are also anxious of the new year? Xxxxx

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  3. Hey! Maybe you're having an anxiety or panic attack coming on? Lately I have been on edge like that and I get negative thoughts and struggle bad making them go away. I try writing, praying, and trying to correct my thinking errors but it comes down to needing an over the counter sleep aid. Distractions don't even keep it away. Then I had the actual attack, cried, felt a little better. The littlest things set me off, just like you. Maybe you could see someone and ask about a little anxiety meds just for when it hets too bad? Mom gave me half an adivan and t was much much better. I know it's hard girl. Stay strong! I'm here if you need someone! <3

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  4. Thanks for your input guys. I'm just not functioning at all. It's not my usual anxiety and it's not depression either. I actually think I'm having an episode of hypomania, in all seriousness.

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    1. oh yeah that definitely makes sense, i havent had one in a while now but it was very racy thoughts, agitated and restless and explains the insomnia. hope it doesnt last long sweetheart so u can rest xxxx

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    2. I don't think I've ever had one before. If I have I didnt recognize it as such. It's been so scary feeling this way and not even knowing what it is, at least now I have a way to explain how I'm feeling, even if I don't know why. I just need it to stop xxxx

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  5. I haven't read your blog or even your story but I skimmed and saw you're dealing with a new kind of anxiety. Does it feel like nervousness even though you're not nervous? Like you've drank 25 pots of coffee? I found your site by googling about uneven collarbones and your picture popped up which led me here. I have uneven collarbones too when my body is out of alignment. One of my first symptoms is this weird anxiety. I get it fixed by an upper cervical chiropractor who does the nucca technique. Look into it, it looks like it could help you. I was sick for a year before I came across it. Had no diagnosis either. Good luck to you, I hope you can find something to ease your suffering.

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