Update

Sorry I haven't posted or commented all week. It hasn't been a great week. I also have been holding off on updating Facebook, because whenever I do it seems I get an influx of shit for being too negative, or complaining while not doing anything to improve my situation, or crap like that. So I only post pointless shit occasionally, about the weather and movies. I just want to scream at everyone to leave me the hell alone if they don't want to read/hear how I'm doing. Everyone really is starting to get tired of me and my shit - just like JB said - and they are leaving. Stopping this train of thought now before it brings me down even more.

I'm feeling quite sick this week. That cold that I thought I was getting? Got it. My temperature's been in the 34s (normal is ~36) for a couple of days now, and my cough is getting more painful. The last few days I can not seem to warm up, no matter how many layers and blankets I have. It was also only 12 degrees here yesterday, so that didn't help. Mum made me breakfast this morning because I really just couldn't do it. That's the second, maybe third, thing she's prepared for me this year. It's not a paranoia of her pouring in a glass of oil or anything, I just feel bad asking others to help me prepare food. So I made it simple and just had plain cinnamon-stevia oatmeal - no weighing required and the only measuring was the cinnamon (my oats and stevia are in sachets). A few more calories than my normal breakfast, but oh well. It was nice anyway.

I've also noticed in the last week or so that my hair is starting to thin out. I've never had problems with my hair before, so I guess I've had a good run in the past few years. It's always come out in clumps when I wash and brush it, and I pull it out by the fist-full, but it's always kept it's volume and everything. Now it just feels flat and thin. My hair-ties wrap around an extra time, and it just doesn't feel the same. Mum said that the left side of my head looks very thinned out, and I've never pulled hair from my left. Like I said I've had a good run, but it just doesn't make sense since I'm eating more (note: I know it's not 'enough' yet). Que sera sera.

My anxiety is still through the roof. My hands are constantly shaking and my heart rate's still too high. I'm only leaving the house to see my dietician on Tuesdays, and to see my friend for bud every couple of weeks. To be honest it's been this way for months. I don't even go to the supermarket anymore. And the social season is approaching. Tomorrow's the first of October. Which means NaNoWriMo events will really kick into gear. I used to be a social butterfly with the Melbourne group (we have meet-ups/Drinkies year round), going up to the city literally every day of the month for write-ins and such. I even hosted my own a couple of times. Most of my friends, I met through NaNo. I love them all so much, and I miss them. I haven't gone to an event in so long. I went to one drinkies in 2010, but my boyfriend at the time made it a horrible experience and I ended up running away when we got home. 'nuff said. I started in 2007, started being social in 2008, and then it all came crashing down when I got sick. One of my NaNo friends (my Fairy God Mother - FGM) came to visit me a couple of times when I was inpatient last year - she was the only non-family I let visit me. On the writing side, I used to be a kick-ass spec fiction writer. I loved writing novels. I wrote day-in day-out for years - it was all I wanted to do, especially when I couldn't study. I used to do mad challenges, especially during NaNo. I've done 50,000 words in 24hrs of non-stop writing, a couple of times. And a few years ago I wrote 330k words during November, and got in the top ten world-wide. I stopped writing really as soon as I got sick. And I just can't get back to it. Last year, I wrote about my eating disorder, and failed to finish for the first time, due to hospitalization (I've been hospitalized during Script Frenzy and NaNo before, but still finished. Last year I just couldn't). This year, I'm not even trying. I doubt I'll even log into the site. Definitely not going to be going to events. Last year I lost 12kg+ in a month, because I still felt too fat to go out (hence the hospitalization). I'm really rambling here, I know. It's just that I used to be so passionate about my writing and my costuming/re-productions... and I haven't touched either for two years.

Now that's depressing.

I'm going to make a post, with some pictures of who I used to be and what I used to do before my ED. Sorry I'm such a rambler!

xxBella

Leg comparison, and other photos

Hey guys. Tomorrow marks two weeks since my last run, and to be honest I'm going a little insane. I haven't gone this long without running in close to a year. Anyway, the reason that I've stopped running is to try to slim down my legs - specifically my left calf muscle. So here's a little bit of a comparison to try to keep me motivated.

Thigh gap September '12

Thigh gap May '12

Yes, it's an old compassion photo, but my body hasn't changed much since May/June (in weight or measurements). To be honest, I think I can see a bit of a difference. My calves are definitely slimmer, and maybe my thighs are a tad less 'bulky', but I can see the difference in my calves already. Sorry for the crappy photo quality - in both of them, really - but it's damn hard to get a straight-on leg photo when you're 6'1" (I nearly fell over, multiple times).

Flexing calves

My right calf has lost basically all of that 'bulge', but it didn't have that much to begin with. My left calf, of the other hand, is a piece of work. It's still progress, though. Hopefully I'll see that bulge slim down a little more at the one-month mark. I'm just so frikkin' over this muscle. It came up basically overnight in February, because I fiended my aerobic step and calf raises (to keep moving when standing still) way too hard, and bam! Muscle. Sigh. So once they're back to how they used to be (there's pics in one of my first posts, of my legs in January), I'm dying to get back into my low-impact, no-resistance elliptical training, and potentially some flat-track walking. I dunno, I'm just dying to move! But I f'ing want this muscle gone. I hate muscle. It is so foreign, they aren't my legs. I don't want to claw and scratch at them in disgust anymore. Ugh. Two more weeks, then I can run again. Just two more weeks.



xxBella

Sun shining through

My appointment went wonderfully. My weight went down slightly, but moreorless the same. She also got me in at 8:10 on the 9th, in two weeks, which is great. So I'm happy to keep my intake up. I just didn't want it to skyrocket up when I had no appointments. I don't feel so much pressure to lose weight at the moment, and I hope it holds. My dietician was a little concerned about my heart. She asked how my anxiety was, and I told her about my heart rate being 100-120 resting and 160+ when I panic. So she got me an appointment with the recommended GP at my clinic, straight after my next appointment with her (8:30 on the ninth) to at least get OBs, bloods and my heart checked. So that's organized, which is good. I also showed her some pictures of things I've cooked in the last week - healthy fish & chips (plain hoki fillet, 200g potato tossed in 1/2 tsp olive oil and seasonings and baked, and salad - only 250 cal!) and a two-cake batch of cupcakes being honorable mentions. She was stoked that I'm eating more protein, and she was also happy to hear about my adventures in hand fruit. I've been eating fruit by hand, and just weighing it before-and-after, instead of eating precisely weighed diced portions with a fork. So, all in all, it's been an okay week. She mentioned that my weight does need to be going up in the big picture, which she does every now and then. I just groan and say that I don't want it to. But I understand why she has to say it. She also offered if I wanted to see the other dietician at the clinic, for the weeks she's away. But I explained that I'd rather not be weighed at all, than to be weighed and not have the necessary support. But if I'm struggling I can still go see someone, which is nice.

I'm feeling a bit better today. I don't know. I just woke up optimistic, which is rare. And my weigh in going well just sealed the deal on my good mood. I was actually smiling the whole way in and out of the clinic. I looked through Tupperware catalouges with mum and laughed with her. I left smiling and just went to the car to roll a ciggie, not to cry. I didn't have an anxiety attack or cry or scream or hurt myself when I left. I feel kinda okay today.

Things are a little better this morning. I'm still very hurt about how my Brother yelled at me, and avoiding him like the plague, but mum and I talked last night and this morning and things are a little calmer. I'm still horribly anxious about my weigh tomorrow, and then not seeing my dietician for 2-4 weeks, but mum's suggested making a second appointment tomorrow to talk about strategies to get through it easier. To be honest, if my weight goes down again tomorrow, I probably won't have too much issue eating 1,200/day for those weeks - it's if it goes up, that I don't know how to deal with. This is only week two on 1,200, and I'm not confident that it won't make me gain (even though I dropped on my first week), but I guess I'll just have to see how it goes tomorrow.

Currently, I'm sitting in bed keeping warm, and just had a late breakfast. Cinnamon oatmeal topped with peaches and a garnish of yoghurt, and a half a cantaloupe. It's my new favourite breakfast - very filling for the modest sum of roughly 200 calories (depending on the size of the melon). I'm going to try to get to 1,200 today, though it wouldn't surprise me if I enlist the help of supplement shakes again because Monday's are always difficult. I'm still trying, though.

Mum kept saying yesterday, and this morning too, that I should really consider inpatient again. That she doesn't want to see me in the Swanston Center (note: The Swanston Center is the psych ward of my local hospital. It's scary as fuck, and it's always been the 'serious' threat from multiple psychs, social workers and the like. It's never come to pass, but even someone mentioning it makes me want to run. JB, the psych at the hospital, came close to putting me in there but I needed too many IVs and medical care, and my medical team prevented it) , but she does want to see me on an EDU. There's a million reasons why I refuse to do that again. The way it works here, is just fucked. I'm not going to get into a massive ramble, but my two biggest gripes are they only provide weight-restoration based care and no psych support, and it's too competitive and triggering having to live and eat as a group with the other girls. Yes, they got my weight up, but they didn't do a damn thing that helped. I came out, without a doubt, mentally worse than I went in. Also that lack of normality in the meals. Okay, I said I wasn't going to ramble, so I'm stopping now.

My mum's going out to dinner tomorrow night with my brother, his girlfriend, and her family. I still haven't caught up with his girlfriend, and they've been together nearly all year (I met her when they dated 5-6 years ago). I'm constantly bombarded with invitations to go out for coffee or lunch, even though I've told Brother I can't deal with it right now. And I'm not about to go out for a big multi-family dinner, especially when I don't like Indian food. Ugh. Tuesday is the one day a week I feel comfortable eating things I'm not 100% certain of the calories in (because it's the furthest day away from being weighed again, and I need a break), which means I actually eat the same dinner as my family. Not this week. Looks like I'm ordering takeout (read: asking my mum to before she leaves, because I could never place an order on the phone, let alone answer the door). Sigh.

Seeing the dietician first thing tomorrow morning. I'll try to get a second appointment tomorrow so we can talk about how I'm going to deal with my intake for the next two weeks, and what to do if I feel like I'm slipping and can't stop it. Mum thinks she'll be able to squeeze me in on Oct 9th (two weeks), but I don't have an appointment booked until the 23rd, and I'm freaking out. Fingers crossed my weight drops tomorrow so I'm more comfortable to keep eating for the next 2-4 weeks. Ugh.

xxBella

Crying to my mum. She was yelling at me. My brother burst in and told me 'maybe some time in the fucking Swanston center will calm you down you fucking loon' (that ward is always the threat). I need to get out of here, and then I will die. I knew he hated me. No one wants me aroubd. Heart rate 170. Intake 250 cal by 4pm.

Hand me a knife, please.

Mum doesn't even understand why this has hurt me so much. This is the straw that broke the cow's back. I'll be dead by new year. JB was right - my family are tired of me and want me gone. They're leaving me. mum needs space away from me a lot more than she ever has before. I don't plan on leaving my room or eating much in the foreseeable future. I just can't even.. I can't stop crying. I can't do this. I just need this to be over.

EDIT: Thanks so much for your comments guys. I had a chat with mum before and things are a little calmer. Still not sure how this weeks gonna go for intake, but I guess I'll post again after seeing my dietician and getting weighed

It's 11:30PM. I can't sleep. I don't want to. Normally I'm out to it early, but I've been staying up later more often lately. I guess the upside is less sleep = less night terrors.
I feel so alone lately. Even with my family around and friends online, I feel completely alone. I don't even think I want to bother talking anymore. Every day I just want more and more to lock myself in my room, cry, hurt myself, starve and wait for peace. I honestly just want to die. I feel like its a sign that I don't have any appointments for four weeks, that it's time to finally give up. Most of the time I can't even figure out how to get from my armchair to making a cup of coffee. I don't know, I can't explain it. I break down in tears because I just don't know what to do, to do little things like that. I literally haven't left the house except for my dietician in a month. Self harm's getting worse. Mostly head hitting, hair pulling and scratching/gouging. I'm still too squeamish about tendons to cut anymore. I've got a grip on burning and hitting my (now-deformed) hand at the moment, too. Mum's worried about the head hitting. She's worried about a lot of things to be honest. I wish I could keep my problems to myself and just bottle it up like a big girl. I hate seeing her upset. I just want to die. I feel like I'm hitting a point of crisis, and I don't know what to do. Maybe this'll be it.

Shit, I'm crying. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I just want to run off and die. Everything feels so intense, so daunting. I'm not coping. I don't have a partner anymore, or a best friend - hell, not even one friend who I actually talk to/catch up with, and my mum can't cope with my shit sometimes. I feel so alone. I just want to die.

Four weeks... and no one watching.

I'm feeling so physically exhausted and weak lately. I never notice how little energy I really have until I stop overexercising for a week or so (which is rare). I always feel tired and weak, and I get dizzy and need to sit down after a few minutes on my feet. My blood pressure's fine. Blood sugars are fine. Not sure why I'm getting dizzy. As an aside, I may be coming down with a cold/flu (trust me - as soon as Winter ends!). I've had a few short bursts of horrible headaches or throat aches or a blocked nose, but it hasn't hit me full-on yet, which is normally how it happens. My brother, who has had literally maybe three colds in his entire life, got really sick with colds and bronchitis and chest & ear infections, and was on anti-biotics for a month, so I'm surprised I escaped catching that. My cough's also been hitting my lungs more - not just my throat. Eurgh, I just really don't want to get sick right now when I'm not feeling so great to start with.

I'm going to make an appointment with a new GP soon, and hopefully get a good physical check-over. I'm sure none of you will be surprised, due to the incompetent-ness of my last couple of doctors, but I really haven't had any form of physical check since... last March, so 18 months ago. That's the majority of my ED. That was when I had my first ED-related medical admission, followed by inpatient. I got the full run -  bloods, ECGs, x-rays, scans of all sorts, bone densitometry scans, the whole shebang. Since then? I didn't see a GP until last December, with my last medical admission, and then a couple more appointments a few months ago. I haven't had a proper blood test since December, because the one my GP did there wasn't enough blood so a lot of results didn't come back. I check my blood pressure at home but only once has it 'been checked' this year. I haven't had my heart checked in any form for 18 months, though I know my heart-rate is yet again back to tachycardia ranges (currently resting 120-160 BPM, when I was in the 80s two months ago), and I'm pretty sure it's irregular. I get weird chest pains more often these days but I don't know if it's my heart or lungs. I have no clue if I've damaged my bone density, or even had stress fractures from over-exercising, in the last year and a half, which is when I've done the bulk of the damage to my body. I'm just getting paranoid about my health lately, but I just have these niggling fears... don't even get me started on the damage I may've done from hitting my head so badly this year.

After I see my dietician on Tuesday, I don't have any appointments for four weeks. Scary, I know. One week she's not working, then she's booked out, then she's not working again. So that's a four week gap. I cried talked to mum earlier about my concerns about those four weeks, the fear of weight gain from not being weighed and the fear of starving because no one's watching. We're going to try to get a cancellation or something for the week she's booked out, but that's not certain. I could see if I could get an appointment on a Thursday, but she only works afternoons and that'd mean dry fasting all morning (and I get up at 5am). I don't know what I'm going to do. I just keep thinking "But you could lose so much weight in those four weeks... you could easily get back to your low weight.". Though I know I'm more likely to end up in hospital or dead than seeing my dietician again in four weeks. And then I wonder if I want that.

Maybe I do.

Changing tastebuds, and calf progress

It really hit me today how much my tastebuds have changed since pre-ED. I never liked oatmeal that much before - I had only tried it a few times - and now I've eaten it for breakfast every morning for four months! I added peaches yesterday. Yum. It's just little things like that, things that I would never have eaten before. And some things I used to love, I can't stand now. For instance, I hate mashed potatoes. Homemade ones, anyway. I blame this on eating so much instant mash in hospital, and so little at home, in the last few years. I love potato in nearly every other form, but I hate homemade mashed potatoes, when I used to love them. Sadly, a lot of dishes my mum used to cook don't interest me anymore. It's not even because of fear of the foods, I just don't like them anymore. I don't know, it's just weird. The only 'favourite food' that's really stuck is Caesar salad, and still I only like that occasionally. Of course I still love all my safe foods that I'd eat when restricting, just more of it. There's no way I can call 45ml of soup a meal at the moment, or my miniscule and precisely weighed serves of fruit. In fact, I'm eating fruit by hand at the moment, though I still weigh it before-and-after so I know exactly how much I've had.

Also, I think my calves are starting to shrink. It's been over a week since I've run, down from 3-6hrs a week, and I haven't had this long of a break in at least a year now. I checked them out this morning and gave them a flex (and they cramped and locked up and hurt like mad), and they're looking a little leaner. My right calf barely has that 'jut' anymore, though my left one's got a lot more muscle to lose. Mum agreed that they look smaller, which is nice. It's good to know I'm not being lazy for nothing. After a month I'm going to take progress pics, and see if I want to take more time off and keep shrinking them, or if they've gone down enough. After that, I'm going to workout exclusively on my elliptical and maybe look into some flat walking tracks, but absolutely no more stepping or calf raises while waiting for breakfast to cook or any of that. Once they're gone, they're not coming back. I'm already chanting at the bit to run again, and I feel like my lungs and cough aren't benefiting from not running either. Oh well. Anything to lose this muscle. And starvation & running didn't do it, so it looks like I'm to not run regardless, but I'm still battling away at my 1,200 calories. Yesterday I ate over half my calories in fresh fruit and veggies - boo yah. And the rest came from oatmeal, yoghurt, fish, and my SF ice cream. I'm a tad stoked about that.

Hope you're all having a good week. I'm still feeling pretty shitty this week, hence mostly eating produce because so many things are just too much. But my weight went down this week, so I guess I'll see if it happens again next week and go from there. I'm just feeling all this pressure from inside to lose moremoremore weight. At least down to 40. Ugh. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel lately. I've been breaking down at least once a day for weeks now, and I hate it. I just want everything to stop.

xxBella

The dreaded numbers

I'm starting to lose track of how many times I've had an anxiety attack in front of my dietician, or left a crying wreck and broken down in the car park. I feel so awful every time it happens, and it's happening more often. Obviously, today's appointment didn't go so well. I went in with my mum, and instead of weighing me straight away we sat down for a chat first, since the scales can throw me so much. It was very short. I told her I was really anxious since my weight had gone up two weeks in a row, and I don't know what I'd do if it went up again this week (yeah, as if I don't know...). She then said my BMI is 'still' around 15.5. I broke down crying and walked out. That's 6kg higher than I started. I don't know why she felt she should tell me my weight when I'm fully dressed in shoes and jacket and with coffee in my tummy and all. Especially when I'm supposed to be blind weighed because numbers are triggering as fuck. Mum stayed in to talk with her and then came out. They'd talked about the fact that we both had very different starting weights, though I'm ~1.5kg higher than I started. The first time I was weighed, it was midday with a tummy full of food, wearing a ski jacket and runners. I weighed myself that morning accurately, and go by that. Obviously there's going to be a difference because I don't weigh myself like this normally - it's not an accurate reading, so why would I?

Regardless, I spent nearly half an hour in the car by myself crying, and then another half hour crying and talking with mum. Still in the car park. She went in to ask if my dietician could squish me in between appointments, and she'd had a cancellation, so we went straight in. Got weighed, lost weight. She hugged me, which I don't normally let anyone do. We sat down and had a chat and I told her how BMIs automatically convert to kilograms in my head, and when I last weighed myself at home on the day I first saw her, I was BMI 13.8 (47.2kg - 6kg lighter than 15.5 BMI), and I know that I'm gonna weigh more on her scales because of clothes and coffee and such, but it was still really triggering to basically hear "You've gained 6kg.". She confirmed that it's only gone up 1.5kg as of last week - less now since I lost weight. She's surprisingly understanding of my anxiety, and I can see that she actually cares. It's weird, but really nice.

But I lost weight. On 1,200 every day, plus a 1,350 day. I've drunk supplements nearly every night - totalling to roughly 2,000 calories - to reach my 1,200 calories. I don't have an excuse. I've also been in bed most of the week - I only ran half an hour on Wednesday, and bed rest since then. And I lost weight. The week prior I ate more like 800, ran 6 hours, and gained, so I can't really explain that one. But it was a relief in some form, I guess. Part of me was hoping I would gain weight, so I'd have no choice but to restrict again. I just want an excuse to only eat fruits and vegetables, to be honest. I can't reach 1,200 calories eating just produce, and I don't want to have so many supplements this week, so it looks like that's waiting for a little while longer. I still feel like I'll be restricting again within the next few months, and running will definitely come back on the cards (once I've given my body a decent break so I can actually, you know, burn calories when I run). I don't know. I just don't want to eat this much most days. But I'm gonna try to work some protein in again this week, and I've bought some lovely, plain, frozen hoki fillets to have with potato & salad... probably some teriyaki chicken with rice. I might even be brave and make healthy Taco Rice, since it looks awesome. It's Japanese, if you'd believe it! But basically taco seasoned mince (I'd do more vege, less meat) on a bed of lettuce and rice, topped with salsa. I figure if I do lots of diced vege and only a little mince, it'll be fairly healthy (as far as Mexican goes anyway!). Or stuffed bell peppers... Anything that I can bulk up with more veggies!

Hope you're all chugging along okay. I'm feeling awfully lazy on bed rest, but when running doesn't help me lose weight (if anything it makes me gain from muscle), and stresses me because I don't want to bulk up my leg any more, there's really no enjoyment to it at the moment. Ah well. Que sera sera.

I'm slipping, I can feel it. I've spent the last two weeks curled up in bed. This week I decided to cut down on running to try and get rid of my calf muscle. I've been getting to my 1,200 calories a day, but not easily. I eat 700-800 and drink the rest in supplements. It fucking sucks, I know, but what am I supposed to do when I won't eat protein and would rather stick to fruit a vege? I know that I'll be losing weight again by the end of this year, even if it's the last day of December. I'm losing motivation fast. I comforted by the fact so much of my intake is supplements, because it means I'm still only really eating 800 or less. One day I could just stop drinking them, and bam, back to 800 calories. And in the meantime I reap the benefits of keeping my intake up, such as getting my metabolism burning again. But one day it'll drop. And I'll hardly even notice. I'll still be able to eat the same during the day, and I just won't spend an hour drinking supplements before bed. And my weight will drop before I know it.

Everything just feels so overwhelming lately. So depressing. I'm still only leaving the house once, maybe twice, a week. Trying to not think about food as much as possible, which is fucking hard. I'm in a state of constant anxiety. I just want to be able to not have to deal with food. No matter how much or how little I eat, it just makes me more miserable. I spend all day trying to find new safe recipes for dinner, with no luck. There's nothing I look forward to, and no goal to work towards. Why am I still even here?

Low fat scones, muffins and vegan latkes!

 I know I don't post many pictures of my cooking here anymore, and on Facebook they all end up in my mobile uploads album instead of the one linked here because I am le lazy (if anyone wants to add me on Facebook, holla at me), so I thought I'd post a few here.

Wholemeal scones

First up are wholemeal scones, that I made last Monday. They're made with wholemeal flour, skim milk, and a tiny bit of Weight Watcher's canola spread. So there's no sugar added, and they're low fat. I split the batch and added some chives to half. About 130 cal each.

Chocolate muffins

Yesterday, I made chocolate muffins! And, ohmygod, you would not believe! These are low sugar and low fat. Skim milk, low-fat spread and Stevia/Splenda are the obvious ones, but my big trick is using vegan egg replacer. It's powdered, comes in a box, I'll never run out of eggs, and it's only 9 calories for an 'egg'! Boom, baby! It's also 2.2g carb per 'egg' and no protein, which is ideal for me at the moment. I use Orgran's No Egg (seriously - I just love Orgran. Boo at Safeway for not stocking their animal crackers any more). It cuts so much extra fat and calories out of the end result, but doesn't sacrifice the texture as much as egg whites or applesauce. Even with cutting the fats from the milk and spread as well, my mum said she wouldn't have guessed they're low fat. I even went as far as using 'sugar free drinking chocolate' in them to cut more calories and sugar. And guess what? These babies were 87 calories each, and 14.9g of carb which is perfect for mum. Folks, I think I've got a winner here!!! They were a decent sized, too, regular muffin pans! So there's my new 'safe' cake. I'm gonna make a bigger batch, and potentially bigger muffins, in the next few days.

Carrot & Potato latkes

Carrot & Potato latkes

Last but not least, I made potato and carrot vegan latkes! These are truly amazing. I've never had them before two nights ago. Mum makes them sometimes, usually when my brother and I would get take out when we were younger, because we never really showed much interest. In later years, they've intrigued me, but I'll automatically balk and run as soon as I see so much potato and whole eggs and copious amounts of real butter to cook them in. But then it hit me, that it would be a good low-protein dinner as mum's never had anything with them - just potato latkes. So I played around and came up with my own version. It's a mix of carrot, potato and onion with the vegan egg replacer, cooked in WW canola. It was actually really good! So good, in fact, I had them last night again. I mean, yes they're cooked in 'oil', but when your whole dinner is whatever vegetables with a 9-calorie 'egg', what's 40 calories of low-fat spread! Even with the butter, dinner was about 200-210 calories. Boom-shaka-laka! That's for all four latkes. Mum was surprised how 'healthy' I could make it, haha. That was my first time cooking with any sort of fats, so I'm quite proud.

Decisions

 I've had 1,200 calories every day since I saw my dietician on Tuesday. I've had 1-2 supplements each night to get there, but I got there. My body will catch up, just like it did to 800-1,000. I'm just losing motivation to eat, even though I know I have to have 1,200 calories by the end of every day anyway. And then I get bummed out that I'm having over 1/3 my intake in an hour, by drinking the supplements. I'm taking a break from running, just for a little. I want to see what happens to my calf muscle. I want to lose it, so so badly, it is my biggest trigger. But I know that's a one-way trip. Regardless, I'm spending a lot of time in bed, a lot of time smoking bud. It's the only way I can keep myself 'still', because exercise is causing more stress and depression than it alleviates at the moment, which makes it completely pointless. I'll still run if I wake up one morning like "hey, I want to kick some fucking butt on the trainer today", of course, but most of the time I'm just too down to run. It doesn't effect my weight much, and if it does it's probably gain due to muscle, so it's not too hard there. Yes, sometimes I do like to 'burn' everything I eat, but it's more just a compulsive thing to get numbers to match - I don't think I'm actually burning anything. My mum says I look so relaxed, like a gazelle, when I'm on the elliptical trainer. She doesn't know how I do it, and how I make it look so easy. But last time I ran, I was just depressed and too focused on what my left calf muscle was doing. Not the same. So that's sometimes.

But I'm keeping my intake up, begrudgingly. To my credit, though, I am trying - I ate 'fried' food and two cakes yesterday. Oh, and normal low-fat ice cream (normally I eat sugar-free which is lower calories but tends to upset my stomach, so I had a little of both to 'water it down'). I'm actually breaking quite a few barriers. All home made, obviously except the ice cream, which is why the calories are still low. In fact I might do a seperate post with some pictures of my low fat baking and cooking from the last few days!

MyFitnessPal had a rare update. It now shows 0.1 calories. I can't find a way to turn it off. You would not believe the anxiety I'm experiencing right now. My fucking god. I need to re-assess everything. I just want to completely ignore food because of this. I feel sick. Why the hell would they implement this? That's not something the 'average dieter' would need IMO. And it's just making me completely freak out because how can I not obsess over 0.1 calories now?

Fuck :(

Crossroads

I feel I'm at a crossroads. I have two very defined paths that I can walk down. I broke down to my mum the other night about how much I just want to give up. One path leads me through starvation, weight loss, bed rest, losing my leg muscle, hypoglycemia and death. I want to lose my calf muscle so badly, and I need to stop running and stop eating to do that. I don't think I'll be able to come back if I go down that path. One day at 500 calories, and my sugars were below normal the next morning. A week at 200 or less? No chance. I just want to give up, to a glorious life of bed rest and weakness and waiting for death. I'm trying so hard to go down the second path, though. To keep my intake up to 1,200 every day, keep struggling to maintain my weight, get my metabolism catching up, suck it up, and realise I can't lose weight right now. I either restrict enough to lose weight, and hypo within days, or eat enough to keep my sugars stable and maintain or gain. I need to trust my body, the same way I did the first few weeks I saw my dietician. I know my body will catch up and adjust to 1,200, just like it did to 800, 900 and 1,000, but I need to ride it out. I'm having so much trouble keeping my intake up lately, but I know I need to get to 1,200 every day to get anywhere. Otherwise, I'm just stalling my metabolism and messing around and making no progress, so why even bother? Mum's being a huge support. I even had a supplement drink last night to get to 1,200 (1,190, to be exact). I'm also cutting back on running. I tried to go for my usual Wednesday run, which is normally at least 90 minutes, but it actually just depressed me more. I don't want my fucking calf muscle any more. I'm gonna trial cutting back on running, maybe twice a week, and see what happens. I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed anymore. I'm pushing myself down the 'right' path, but I just want to give up and wait for death. I don't know what I'm holding on for. I don't remember when life was okay, and I don't want to deal with the reasons why it isn't. I don't want that 'future' and the things that I'll be able to do 'once I get better'. I don't know what I'm waiting for.

It was Tuesday today. We all know what that means. I went to see my dietician this morning and got weighed. I was optimistic because my intake had been below 800 most days, and 500 one day, but I'd gone back up to 1,000 since Sunday and wasn't sure if I'd 'ruined' my efforts. To my dismay, I'd gained weight. Similar to what I gained when I ate a perfect 1,200 the week prior. This is why I've been freaking out, and this is why I need to keep trying - because my metabolism won't let me fucking lose weight unless I restrict to hypoglycemia levels (I was in the high 3s waking up after my 500 day - FML). Three months ago, my weight was maintaining, but I was eating 800-1,000 twice a week and 100-200 every other day. I'm not 'there' yet, but I've come a long way. I can eat at least 1,000 to maintain, and if I give it a few weeks, I'll be able to make it 1,2.00. Regardless, I nearly immediately broke down in tears. I've been crying a lot lately. It was a fairly emotional appointment, but most of it was spent re-assuring me that I wasn't 'gaining gaining', because it was only a kilo over three months, all in the last two weeks since I've been restricting again. She said that she wouldn't let me keep gaining. If this is still happening in a couple of weeks, it'll get looked in to, but I need to stick to the plan to make that work. I told her that the other day, I reached 600 days in a row on MyFitnessPal. The look on her face said it all. Somehow, I don't think that people normally do that. There was a bit of a misunderstanding, I guess, at the end of the appointment, and I had a full-on panic attack and left crying, and it was a  good two hours before I calmed down and we talked to her on the phone. I'm just mad at myself for wasting the last two weeks restricting 'just a little', but enough to fuck up my metabolism. I was a complete wreck when I was trying to make myself breakfast after the appointment, and ended up standing in the kitchen, toast burnt, crying my eyes out, saying to my mum "I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up" over and over. She came over and hugged me and I just cried harder. I don't normally let people touch me at all.

So, yeah, it was a pretty full-on morning. I'm still blown away by how much my dietician honestly cares about me. It's hard to actually be connecting with a medical professional again, because it makes me more 'vulnerable' and likely to break down. My ED psych used to always have this look on legitimate concern on her face, and my dietician has that look too sometimes. I've had a panic attack in front of her before, but it's still just embarrassing. Everyone at the clinic knows that I'm that crazy girl, crying and screaming and scratching her face to shreds in the car after rushing out in tears. It's just embarrassing to have to go back the next week. Ugh. Give me a lobotomy and lock me in the tower, already.

I did talk to my dietician about the protein issue, though. She mentioned the '0.8g protein per kg of weight', except if anything she aims for '...per kg of ideal weight', which is obviously more, and if anything I go for '...per kg of lean muscle mass', which is a little less. So... yeah. My ideal weight is staying where it frikkin' is (if not, going down), so that leaves me exactly where I was. I'm just not ready to leap that hurdle yet. So, in the meantime, I need to focus on getting more fruits and vege in. I'm gonna need ~250g carbs a day to get to my 1,200 calories (allowing for my protein limit and average fat intake), and I don't wanna have to eat that many grains. So I'm really focussing on getting more fruit in this week! What really got me motivated, was grapes! GRAPES! Green, seedless, Thompson grapes. Ohhh, yes! I haven't had them in months! Everytime I go to Safeway, I check if there's grapes, but they're always seeded or 'may have come into contact with sulfur dioxide', so I pass. But today mum came home with a big ol' bag of USA imported Thompsons! Yummm! So I've got a decent 200-300g of grapes in my meal plan tomorrow, along with apple, peach, and I'm gonna sit down with a whole half cantaloupe with breakfast and see where I go (normally it takes me 4 cups of coffee to get down a slice of toast and a small bowl oats, so I'm not about to add more grains). Dinner, I'm going to pick up some red peppers and stuff them with mexican rice! I've never had stuffed peppers before, but I like them, and Safeway had cute baby red bell peppers about a month ago that struck a bone of inspiration.

On that note, does anyone have any meal suggestions that mostly involve grains and vegetables? No meat, dairy, or protein substitutes are in my sights (I'm working under a 40g limit, and it adds up surprisingly quickly just from grains and such)... I'm gonna pick up some tomato & onion vegan sausages that I like, but they still have a little protein in them. Veggies in our house growing up were generally fresh carrots and beans, and the protein was always the 'main attraction', so I'm not really used to 'making a dish' from vegetables (and grains)!

xxBella

Alone

I texted my mum yesterday to let her know that I was struggling. She called me, and after a brief chat I just apologized for interrupting her break (from me) and hung up. She said she'd call later, but she never did. I got a text asking how I went with dinner, and I just said "I've eaten enough that I completely hate myself and want to throw up, so that's something". Obviously that's satisfactory because I still haven't heard from her again. Ugh. I feel stupid and annoying for interrupting her break. I came in a little under 1,000 yesterday, but obviously today's going to be lower. I just ran an hour in my nightie to get rid of some of the water weight from yesterday, and I'm looking at <800 today. I've finished up my burn for the week (5 hours running plus extra, negative weekly net). Obviously <500 doesn't work, so 800 seems like my number for successful restriction. Ugh. I'm so fat. Getting weighed tomorrow. My legs are starting to hurt from cutting back on protein so at least that's a bonus. I had horrible heartburn all last night from a chocolate bar I ate to get my cals up, so I definetely learnt my lesson there. Expecting mum home sometime between lunch and afternoon tea. I'm depressed, pissed off, forgotten, and at the tailend of basically a 48 hour panic attack, so fucking excuse me if I didn't do the dishes. I don't care. There's surprisingly few given it was just me home - all that I'm out of are 1/2 cup bowls and I'm down to two teaspoons, but I can deal with that. I'm not doing them. Fuck it. I ran in my pajamas, and now I'm back in bed. Everything's just so fucking daunting.

Life is one big anxiety attack

I've hardly gotten out of bed this weekend, to be honest. Since mum left yesterday morning I've really only gotten up to make my mini-meals. A little under 500 yesterday - my lowest day in three months. I'm not having the greatest time, but I know mum needs a break, so yeah. I'm pretty anxious about my intake, but my sugars seem to be holding around 4 so that's okay for now. I'm smoking way too much when I feel like this, so I really need to get back on track on Tuesday. I'm having my planned rest weekend, and gonna run tomorrow to finish up my burn for the week. I'm freaking out over that damn 0.6 I gained last week. And to be honest, I don't even know what I'm gonna eat once I'm back to 1,000+. Since my calf muscle freak-out the other day, I decided to keep my protein back under 40g (every equation says 35-38g to maintain my muscle), which isn't much. The other day, I ate 800 cal of toast, oats, veggie soup, rice, veggies, and a little tub of yoghurt and got to my protein limit. Goodbye, family meals. Goodbye, teriyaki chicken breasts. Goodbye, eggs and cheese. So obviously I need to talk to the dietician lady on Tuesday about how much protein I should be eating, because this is just shit.

Also, today was my 600th day in a row using MyFitnessPal. It'd be longer except I didn't know that only entering water 'doesn't count' when I started using it. But, yay! I think.. Ugh. My life is fucking sad

Xx

Home Alone

Mum's left to go away for the weekend, coming back Monday arvo. I woke up with a horrible, chesty cough - not my normal smoker's cough. My brother's had two lots of bronchitis, two ear infections, and two colds in the last month, so I guess I've been lucky to escape so far. Mum was hesitant on going away, but I told her I'd go down to the clinic tomorrow if I was feeling worse, that I'd call my brother to come back from stay at his girlfriend's to drive me there, or call a taxi (it is literally less than two blocks down the road, seriously?!). I also told her I wouldn't run this weekend. Luckily, I don't need to, because once I run half an hour on Monday I will complete my 'burn everything' week challenge. I had massive anxiety over breakfast, because I normally make mum breakfast to take on the road, but she wanted to eat before she left today. More so, she wanted me to eat before she left. So I choked down a thin slice of toast and a small bowl of oats, and she seemed a bit brighter. She kept asking me if I was sure that I'd be okay this weekend, that it was okay if she went away. I hate being such a burden. I just kept my happy face on to the best of my ability.

To be honest I'm a little worried. I get so anxious about meals at the moment, that I need a nudge to even have them. But I've just put on a fresh batch of soup for the weekend, so I've got a 'safe' option. Might even make up some jelly if I have the energy. For now, again, I'm just sitting in bed, waiting for time to pass. I just want to get through this week and aim for a better one next week.

xxBella

Ramblings on eating, and supermarket suggestions needed!

My life is always very monotonous, in case you guys hadn't picked that up already. I always have a set routine, and it's usually either busy as hell or doing nothing for weeks straight. At the moment it's more the latter. I wake up around 6am at the moment, and sit on the back porch in my armchair drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and checking blogs and such until my mum gets up (around 7-7:30 at the moment). I usually drink two Thermos mugs (500ml/16oz each) of black coffee before breakfast. After mum's had a coffee, I drag my butt reluctantly into the kitchen to make breakfast. I drink another litre (two mugs) of coffee with breakfast, because I just can't get it down without it. Usually 1.5 slices of Vegemite toast and a 1/2 cup bowl of oats, but recently it's more oats, less toast, and I still don't finish it. But more on that later. Then, I jump straight on the elliptical trainer and run for anywhere between 60-90 minutes (I'm at four hours in three days). After that, I might have another quick coffee with mum is she's around, then I grind up a mix and just head to bed with my pipe. I honestly don't do anything else with my day except run. That's my whole day really.

I'm putting off meals as long as I can at the moment, which isn't long. But normally I'm in the kitchen getting things ready early. Recently, mum's been having to come down to my room to remind me that it's time to have lunch. And afternoon tea. I'm usually up and about for dinner, but a couple of nights I've tried to ignore it. I just really don't want to eat at the moment. I think it's just because I know that I'm going to restrict this weekend when I'm home alone anyway, so why not make it the week? Mum asked me earlier if I was okay with her going away this weekend, and I cheerily replied "yeah", and that I can always call her if something comes up. I'm not, really. But I know that I'm going to restrict when I'm alone anyway. If she puts it off for a week, that'll just mean I'm restricting two weeks in a row. This way I can at least get back on track on Tuesday... I hope...

On that, solid food is getting harder to eat, and it scares the shit out of me. I'm mostly eating oats, soup, yoghurt... things like that. It scares me when this happens, because last time it got to the point that I couldn't bring myself to swallow any food, and I was down to 2 calories a day (a weak black coffee in the morning, and another one or a Coke Zero in the afternoon) for a little over a week. It wasn't even planned fasting, and it wasn't stopping. I was scared to death that I wouldn't be able to eat ever again. After a few stumbling through doctors offices and having paramedics at my house for the first time, I was admitted to hospital with blood sugars of 2.2 and given more than 20 IV drips (dextrose, potassium, magnesium and saline, mostly) in the first 24 hours, with four lines in my arm at once, constantly hooked up for a week (this is when the psych, JB, fucked me up even more, and I was discharged AMA and back to Emergency a week later in an even worse state). I never want to go back there again. I'm nearly 10 months hospital-free, and I want to make it through the year. I can't fuck it up now. I know I shouldn't be restricting at all, especially when I'm running so much... but I've always eaten little when I've been depressed, except for a few rare occasions.

Since I'm trying to get back on track next week, and I'll be trying to go to Safeway with mum on Tuesday or Wednesday (I haven't left the house at all this week), I decided it'd be a good time to do a good ol' fashioned supermarket crawl. Up and down every isle, turning around every package to check the nutritional information. Well, not everything, but still. So far I have on my list: Different yoghurts/dairy snacks, Crunchy cereal or granola, Different types of oats, All the health food isle, Dessert sachets (like jello/puddings), Hot drink mixes, Sauces, Different pastas/grains, Plain fish (frozen or fresh).

Does anyone have any suggestions of things to keep an eye out for? Of course, living in Australia we have some different products, but still, any suggestions are welcome! Not too bothered on whether they'll be 'safe' foods or not, just looking for some new things to try! :)

xxBella

This isn't turning out to be a good week. I think I was mentally preparing to restrict this week anyway, because my mum is going away this weekend and I know I'll restrict. I ran for another 90 minutes this morning, so I'm already at nearly three hours in two days. I decided it'd be a good opportunity to try to burn everything I eat this week, again. I think I'll end up around a 800-900 average intake, so my burn will match accordingly. Yesterday I ate 900, and today 800. Tomorrow will probably be 800 too, as will Monday. Saturday and Sunday, however, I don't expect to be so high. I still ate 1,200 on Tuesday, but it'll all average down. I was pretty anxious about the weekend home alone, but I think I'm kinda just accepting it now.

I'm pretty sure my calf muscles growing again... I've upped my protein intake in the last couple of weeks (to actually include things like meat and eggs, not just dairy and 'incidental' proteins) and I think it's grown. I know I've been eating a lot more protein than I need to maintain my muscle... but fuck, it's still not that much. I get more than enough protein with just fruit & vege, grains, and a little dairy. It's not like I have much to maintain, so I guess it makes sense. Either way, I'm gonna talk to my dietician about it on Tuesday. She only works Tuesday & Thursdays, and it's too late to bother calling the clinic now. Que sera sera. But I still had a good old cry and scream, and scratched the fuck out of my tree-trunk leg. I nearly cut, but I get so squeamish with tendons and such, and even veins these days (I can see my pulse in at least 10 different spots in my body... four on the back of my hand alone, my stomach, even my neck... the list goes on). I had a bit of a heated discussion and a cry with mum, which is a more-often occuring thing. The other day it came up that she can't always give me the support I need, and I have no idea how to deal with that. When I'm crying and stressing and babbling in my armchair, and mum just ignores me, what am I supposed to do except lock myself in my room, cry, and think about how much happier everyone would be if I was dead? No one wants me around. No one can 'deal' with me. Maybe I should die.

I spent most of today in bed, again. I get up in the morning, drink a few coffees, have breakfast with mum, go for a run, have another coffee, and go to bed and smoke. On top of the depression, the weather is horrible. It's very windy, and it makes me constantly anxious and on-edge. We have 'destructive winds'. This morning I woke up to the porch swing in the yard having tipped over, as well as a few other things (it's a national disaster, right?). It's quite blustery and raining at the moment, too. I can't sit outside, so I'm either in the laundry or in bed. I hate how my body reacts to temperatures. Obviously, I have trouble with the cold. I wear, every day, fleece tights (or trackpants on lazy days), thermal socks, long-sleeved top, jumper, jacket, dressing gown, gloves. I always sit on the porch (or in the laundry at the moment), in an armchair underneath an electric throw blanket and two mink blankets. I always sit right in front of the heater in the lounge room, still in layers and blankets. Until the heater died last week. So, yes, I am very glad that winter has finished. But then I get heatstroke in the summer. I guess it makes sense - if my body can't keep the cold out, how should it keep the heat out? So then I need to sit in the shade and in front of fans (and then I freeze) and I get heatstroke. I can go from freezing to heatstroke in less than a frikkin' hour if it's a warm day. It just pisses me off how severely my body reacts to temperatures.

I'm pretty tired now. I've been exhausted all day. Lots of crying and screaming and hitting and scratching. I ate two fun-size chocolate bars this afternoon (within my 800) and hate myself for it. Mum's gonna hide them for me because she knows it's not a positive when it effects me this way. I'm gonna get so lonely this weekend when it's just me home.

xxBella

Depression and the dietician

I saw the dietician yesterday, like every other Tuesday for the last 12 weeks (wow, time has flown - I've been single for nearly four months!). I'm always there before 9AM - she always fits me in. She knows I won't eat breakfast before being weighed. It's a little pointless, as I do still drink a 500ml/18oz black coffee beforehand, and get weighed in shoes and jacket and all (though I make a point to wear the same/similar outfit on Tuesdays - she must think I'm crazy *cough*), but you see, normally before 8AM I have drunk at least two litres (64oz) of coffee as well as my breakfast, so that's just fucking stupid. Normally I'm in at 8:10, sometimes 8:30, though this week was 8:50 as I didn't make my appointments far enough in advance this month. It's always very quiet before 9am, sometimes one or two other people in the waiting room but usually just mum and I. She gets along with the girls at the desk well and always has a chat. One of the girls had a Tupperware catalogue this week, and she and mum got really excited about meat keepers. I don't know. I just sit down and stare at the TV.

My dietician came out, and we always go straight down the hall to the scales before we even sit down. Best to get it out of the way, I think. We got back to her office (funnily enough, she works out of my former GP's office as he doesn't work on Tuesdays - not my recent GP, but my family GP who I saw from the time I was born up until about 18 months ago when he told me to 'exercise more' to sleep better at a BMI of 12) and she told me I'd gone up a little. About 0.6kg (~1lb). I'd expected a gain when as my body adjusts to a higher intake, so it wasn't too bad. Then she told me that I was 0.8kg up from when I first started to see her, and my heart dropped (even though most of it had been this week's fluctuation). I told her I was a little uncomfortable that I was higher than I'd started. She told me how she always hates weighing people, because weight's such a negative thing, though it's the only 'barometer' we have at the moment. She'd gone to a fantastic seminar the day before, apparently, about Recovery from Eating Disorders. The woman speaking had mentioned this:

The three most important keys to successful recovery are:

1. Not weighing yourself
2. Keeping a journal
3. Reaching out

I've definetely got number two down (I've kept a handwritten journal since December '10), and I'm working on number three, but I still feel like I need to know whether my weight's going up or down - though I know it's harmful to know numbers. I told her about my fears of not weighing at all, how in February I didn't weigh for so long, shot my intake up to 1,200 calories and maxed out my training, and gained 7kg in a month. She took the opportunity to point out that that hasn't happened this time. I've gained 0.8kg over three months, we've seen that it fluctuates up and down each week, though from an objective standpoint she would say that I'm maintaining fairly exactly. In the long run, it's stayed the same, but it still got me down.

Normally on Tuesdays, I have a bit of 'freedom' (as my mum says) and eat a few hundred more calories, fear foods, and foods I don't know the exact calories in. I got home, and had a smaller breakfast than I normally do. Half a wholemeal scone for morning tea, and fun-sized chocolate bars throughout the day... I skipped lunch and afternoon tea, and had plain rice with teriyaki sauce for dinner. I came out at about 1,250 calories, with over half my calories being from chocolate. It's disgusting, I know. I spent the afternoon lying in bed, staring at the wall, too depressed - too fat - to eat. All in all it was a bad day.

And here I am again today, rugged up in bed, pipe on my bedside and the window cracked open. To my credit, I did go for a great run this morning, but after that I just made sure I had things in the fridge for meals, and came in here. I don't really want to eat anymore. I just don't see the point. I feel too fat as it is. I tried to explain to my mum that whenever someone says to me "you should be a model, you look really good, etc." that all I hear is "you're fat", but I just don't know how to explain it. I don't want to look good. I want to be oh-my-god-look-away scary skinny. I know I'm not overweight, I'm not dysmorphic, I just don't want to look attractive. I don't know how to explain it without having to open up topics that I try to avoid - nor can I explain the 'Peter Pan' thing to her. I just don't want to talk about it. I'm feeling a lot of triggers for PTSD-related stuff coming in at the moment. I'm not even sure why. It's not a triggering time of year, and I can't think of anything specific that's triggering me... I guess I'm just thinking too much on the 'compliments' I get and why I don't want them.

Only a couple of days until mum goes away for the weekend. I have no idea what my intake will be like. I doubt I'll get up to any non-ED-related shenanigans, because I just don't care. My friend (read: singular. Friend. One friend. My one friend. =_=) who came over last time mum was away isn't talking to me anymore. She has a new girlfriend now, so yeah. The same thing happened last time she got into a relationship three fucking years ago and we didn't talk until they broke up. She's ignoring my messages now. I don't know why, exactly. When she left, she said "if you're not busy this week, call me and we'll hang out", and I texted her like three fucking days later. Then two more messages in the following week. Nothing back. Oh well. I guess I need to start talking to other people who live in my town if I want to be social IRL.

Maybe I should just start playing World of Warcraft again.

That's all from me for now, folks. Probably gonna be soup (and maybe toast) for lunch. I'm eating too much protein lately. And sodium. And calories. And everything.

Ugh.

xxBella

I'm having a relaxed Monday today. Mondays are always stressful because I know I'm getting weighed in less than 24 hours, and I feel really urged to restrict. I also had an unusually busy Sunday yesterday, so mum and I are calling today Sunday (we tend to have 'Sundays' through the week sometimes). I had a brilliant run in the morning, then went to Safeway, baked an awesome-looking lemon cake, and dropped it off to a friend. I was out of the house at 8:30PM! Needless to say, I went to bed within half an hour of getting home. I'm really not a night owl anymore.

I've been feeling very somber lately, but today I'm actually not feeling too bad (let's ignore the fact I've smoked a little this morning...). I wonder why I bother, what's the point of it all... Every now and then, more often than I'd like to admit, I think about how I'm going to die, when I'm going to die. I've always thought I'd die before 30. Maybe I will. I don't know what I'm holding on for. Everyone always says that things will be 'okay' again one day, but I don't remember a time when my life was okay. My mum tells me that it used to be, but I don't remember it. Between my overdose just before I turned 13 and the most trauma-causing abuse in my life at 14-15, my memory before that age is very vague. Sometimes I remember little bits and pieces, but for the most part I don't remember what life was like. Yes, I would love to get back into costuming and historical reproductions, maybe apply to NIDA, maybe start writing again... But I don't think I'll ever want to let go of my ED, for so many reasons.

Yes, I'm eating a 'healthy' amount of food, but there has been no change in the severity of my eating disorder. The obsessiveness, the niggling desire to lose 'just 5 more kilos', the fear of gaining, the 24/7 thoughts, the maths, the running, the measuring and weighing of everything I consume down to the 0.1 gram, the safe and fear foods, the crying, the wanting to die, the struggle to put each bite in my mouth... Everything's still the same. But my blood sugars are stable (most of the time) and so is my weight (at BMI 13-14). I'm still tired all the time, and I'm still completely freezing all the time. I'm still avoiding psychiatrists like the plague, but I'm managing to see my dietician every week, and I'm still looking for a new GP. I can't fuck this up by restricting. I always regret ending up in hospital and being force-fed, wishing I could've done it myself beforehand, exactly what I'm doing now. It's hard, but I know I have to. It's the best way I can try to avoid a hospital bed and forced weight gain.

I'm a little stressed about the upcoming weekend. I'm gonna be home alone, or at least with my mum away, from Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. My brother might be around, he might be staying at his girlfriend's place, but regardless he doesn't really watch what I eat. He's around for dinner, but I have no fucking clue what/when he eats during the day apart from when he makes toast/crumpets when I'm in the kitchen. He's usually out-and-about doing work and study and volunteer and relationship type stuff, and when he's home during the day he tends spend a lot of time in his room. After dinner most nights we all sit on the back porch and have a chat and a laugh by the fire, but he only eats dinner with us - not breakfast or lunch (he also has unusual and ever-changing sleep patterns). So apart from dinner there's not going to be anyone to notice if I'm eating less than I should be. I've posted up before the quote of "Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching", and that I don't think I have any. It's so, so tempting to restrict hardcore, or even fast. And I know I'd just fuck my blood sugars up royally and end up in a hypo for most of the weekend, which isn't something I wanna do. It's going to be a tough weekend though.

I've been dipping my toes into another bit of a fear food, actually - milk coffee/drinks. Now, I still don't have any interest in drinking it day-in-day-out like I used to, but I do like to have one for a special treat sometimes. I've had a couple of skim lattes (I use the Nescafe sachets) in the last few weeks, and yesterday I had a skim mocha after lunch, and a proper hot chocolate before bed (by proper I mean a full serve of low-fat hot chocolate powder made with water, instead of a half-serve plus some sugar-free choc powder which is 17 calories less). If I look at them as snacks/treats instead of how I drink black coffee all day, it makes them much less scary considering there ~50 cal each. So they're kinda nice to have as an option now. I still won't tackle adding milk to drinks, but the coffee sachets and hot chocolate powder have milk powder in them anyway, so I don't have to stress about how much to add. I also bought a box of Milo oatmeal yesterday! Who knew Milo made porridge?! Anyway, they were on special so I figured they might be good to have for a before-bed snack if I get hungry, since they have like 115 calories for a whole sachet, and I used to  love hot Milos before bed but again I won't tackle the milk.

I'm gonna curl up in bed and put on some Family Guy for today, I think. I'm mega anxious about getting weighed tomorrow after upping my intake by a fair bit, but I think I'm still glad I did. If I gain a little this week, at least I still won't be heavier than I started, and hopefully I'll maintain on week 2 of 1,200. One day at a time. Sending my love to all of you wonderful girls who are struggling at the moment. Keep fighting <3

xxBella

Random ramble

I'm still stuck deep in a depression... Last night I sat outside until 2am (after taking sleeping pills at 5pm) crying and hurting myself because 'I don't deserve to go to sleep, I don't deserve to go to bed'. The last few days have been hard. I talked to my dietician on Thursday, and my intakes now up to 1,200. I am eating a normal amount. I am eating a healthy amount. And there's no reason to eat a single calorie above 1,200, as far as I'm concerned. I'm eating healthy amounts, now leave me alone. It's been hard. I'm in a state on constant anxiety about my next meal. She said it'd be good if I can eat family dinners, but it's just not 100% happening. My family are having parmis? I'll have a chicken breast with salsa and low-fat cheese. Pasta? I'll cook my own sauce and boil my pre-weighed pasta separately, thanks. I want to cook a risotto for mum & I, but I won't be having exactly 1/3 of what I put in the pot. I need to know exactly. So that's still a big barrier, and I really miss my mum's cooking. On Tuesdays I have a 'cheat' day, which basically just means I allow myself to not know the exact calories, so I can have a family dinner. The other 6 days a week, it's exact. Heaven help me if mum ever cooked steamed veggies for me, and I couldn't weigh them first (hot food changes weight as it cools... How am I supposed to trust it?)

This has been a completely random ramble. I'm just trying to keep myself distracted until after dinner, 'cause I'm cutting back on smoking again. I'm spending way too much on weed at the moment, so I need to cut it back again. I suck at cutting back. The only times I've gone more than 48hrs without smoking in the last 2.5 years is when I've gone to hospital. And I usually have a cone as soon as I get back home. I don't have self-control with smoking like I do with food.

Picture of my lunch today. It's a 200 cal wrap, using a 100 cal tortilla, with a tin of shredded chicken (like tuna, but I don't eat tuna. It was surprisingly good!) mixed with low fat Caesar dressing, Parmesan and diced bacon, with a little cos. And a bowl of peaches & yoghurt. With a can of sugar free lemonade, lunch was 241 calories.

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to making no noise and pretending I don't exist. Wish me luck that I don't gain 20lb on Tuesday from eating 1,200 cal! :S

xxBella