Thursday, 13 September 2012
I feel I'm at a crossroads. I have two very defined paths that I can walk down. I broke down to my mum the other night about how much I just want to give up. One path leads me through starvation, weight loss, bed rest, losing my leg muscle, hypoglycemia and death. I want to lose my calf muscle so badly, and I need to stop running and stop eating to do that. I don't think I'll be able to come back if I go down that path. One day at 500 calories, and my sugars were below normal the next morning. A week at 200 or less? No chance. I just want to give up, to a glorious life of bed rest and weakness and waiting for death. I'm trying so hard to go down the second path, though. To keep my intake up to 1,200 every day, keep struggling to maintain my weight, get my metabolism catching up, suck it up, and realise I can't lose weight right now. I either restrict enough to lose weight, and hypo within days, or eat enough to keep my sugars stable and maintain or gain. I need to trust my body, the same way I did the first few weeks I saw my dietician. I know my body will catch up and adjust to 1,200, just like it did to 800, 900 and 1,000, but I need to ride it out. I'm having so much trouble keeping my intake up lately, but I know I need to get to 1,200 every day to get anywhere. Otherwise, I'm just stalling my metabolism and messing around and making no progress, so why even bother? Mum's being a huge support. I even had a supplement drink last night to get to 1,200 (1,190, to be exact). I'm also cutting back on running. I tried to go for my usual Wednesday run, which is normally at least 90 minutes, but it actually just depressed me more. I don't want my fucking calf muscle any more. I'm gonna trial cutting back on running, maybe twice a week, and see what happens. I just don't have the motivation to get out of bed anymore. I'm pushing myself down the 'right' path, but I just want to give up and wait for death. I don't know what I'm holding on for. I don't remember when life was okay, and I don't want to deal with the reasons why it isn't. I don't want that 'future' and the things that I'll be able to do 'once I get better'. I don't know what I'm waiting for.