Decisions

 I've had 1,200 calories every day since I saw my dietician on Tuesday. I've had 1-2 supplements each night to get there, but I got there. My body will catch up, just like it did to 800-1,000. I'm just losing motivation to eat, even though I know I have to have 1,200 calories by the end of every day anyway. And then I get bummed out that I'm having over 1/3 my intake in an hour, by drinking the supplements. I'm taking a break from running, just for a little. I want to see what happens to my calf muscle. I want to lose it, so so badly, it is my biggest trigger. But I know that's a one-way trip. Regardless, I'm spending a lot of time in bed, a lot of time smoking bud. It's the only way I can keep myself 'still', because exercise is causing more stress and depression than it alleviates at the moment, which makes it completely pointless. I'll still run if I wake up one morning like "hey, I want to kick some fucking butt on the trainer today", of course, but most of the time I'm just too down to run. It doesn't effect my weight much, and if it does it's probably gain due to muscle, so it's not too hard there. Yes, sometimes I do like to 'burn' everything I eat, but it's more just a compulsive thing to get numbers to match - I don't think I'm actually burning anything. My mum says I look so relaxed, like a gazelle, when I'm on the elliptical trainer. She doesn't know how I do it, and how I make it look so easy. But last time I ran, I was just depressed and too focused on what my left calf muscle was doing. Not the same. So that's sometimes.

But I'm keeping my intake up, begrudgingly. To my credit, though, I am trying - I ate 'fried' food and two cakes yesterday. Oh, and normal low-fat ice cream (normally I eat sugar-free which is lower calories but tends to upset my stomach, so I had a little of both to 'water it down'). I'm actually breaking quite a few barriers. All home made, obviously except the ice cream, which is why the calories are still low. In fact I might do a seperate post with some pictures of my low fat baking and cooking from the last few days!