Monday, 10 September 2012


I texted my mum yesterday to let her know that I was struggling. She called me, and after a brief chat I just apologized for interrupting her break (from me) and hung up. She said she'd call later, but she never did. I got a text asking how I went with dinner, and I just said "I've eaten enough that I completely hate myself and want to throw up, so that's something". Obviously that's satisfactory because I still haven't heard from her again. Ugh. I feel stupid and annoying for interrupting her break. I came in a little under 1,000 yesterday, but obviously today's going to be lower. I just ran an hour in my nightie to get rid of some of the water weight from yesterday, and I'm looking at <800 today. I've finished up my burn for the week (5 hours running plus extra, negative weekly net). Obviously <500 doesn't work, so 800 seems like my number for successful restriction. Ugh. I'm so fat. Getting weighed tomorrow. My legs are starting to hurt from cutting back on protein so at least that's a bonus. I had horrible heartburn all last night from a chocolate bar I ate to get my cals up, so I definetely learnt my lesson there. Expecting mum home sometime between lunch and afternoon tea. I'm depressed, pissed off, forgotten, and at the tailend of basically a 48 hour panic attack, so fucking excuse me if I didn't do the dishes. I don't care. There's surprisingly few given it was just me home - all that I'm out of are 1/2 cup bowls and I'm down to two teaspoons, but I can deal with that. I'm not doing them. Fuck it. I ran in my pajamas, and now I'm back in bed. Everything's just so fucking daunting.


  1. Hugs <3
    Hang in there. Good that you're keep in eye on your protein, we don't want you dead honey.
    Be strong and brave!

  2. remember how much you like running any why 1000kcals lets you run? LOVE YOU HANG ON i can see you are really struggling and it breaks my heart but I LOVE YOU,lots, hold on, find something to keep going for, your mum, running, idk, but please if you can xxxx

  3. Stay strong, don't give up.
    You've been doing amazingly those past three months. Don't give up now.
    It is almost going to be 1 year without hospital, aren't you proud of yourself ? For that sake, please don't give up.
    Everything is been going so well, you gained less than 1kg, in 3months, which is absolutely nothing compared to the 7 you put up when you increased your calories in feb. You should be proud of yourself for that too.
    You're one of the strongest person I know.
    You are not alone.
    I love you !