My life is always very monotonous, in case you guys hadn't picked that up already. I always have a set routine, and it's usually either busy as hell or doing nothing for weeks straight. At the moment it's more the latter. I wake up around 6am at the moment, and sit on the back porch in my armchair drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and checking blogs and such until my mum gets up (around 7-7:30 at the moment). I usually drink two Thermos mugs (500ml/16oz each) of black coffee before breakfast. After mum's had a coffee, I drag my butt reluctantly into the kitchen to make breakfast. I drink another litre (two mugs) of coffee with breakfast, because I just can't get it down without it. Usually 1.5 slices of Vegemite toast and a 1/2 cup bowl of oats, but recently it's more oats, less toast, and I still don't finish it. But more on that later. Then, I jump straight on the elliptical trainer and run for anywhere between 60-90 minutes (I'm at four hours in three days). After that, I might have another quick coffee with mum is she's around, then I grind up a mix and just head to bed with my pipe. I honestly don't do anything else with my day except run. That's my whole day really.
I'm putting off meals as long as I can at the moment, which isn't long. But normally I'm in the kitchen getting things ready early. Recently, mum's been having to come down to my room to remind me that it's time to have lunch. And afternoon tea. I'm usually up and about for dinner, but a couple of nights I've tried to ignore it. I just really don't want to eat at the moment. I think it's just because I know that I'm going to restrict this weekend when I'm home alone anyway, so why not make it the week? Mum asked me earlier if I was okay with her going away this weekend, and I cheerily replied "yeah", and that I can always call her if something comes up. I'm not, really. But I know that I'm going to restrict when I'm alone anyway. If she puts it off for a week, that'll just mean I'm restricting two weeks in a row. This way I can at least get back on track on Tuesday... I hope...
On that, solid food is getting harder to eat, and it scares the shit out of me. I'm mostly eating oats, soup, yoghurt... things like that. It scares me when this happens, because last time it got to the point that I couldn't bring myself to swallow any food, and I was down to 2 calories a day (a weak black coffee in the morning, and another one or a Coke Zero in the afternoon) for a little over a week. It wasn't even planned fasting, and it wasn't stopping. I was scared to death that I wouldn't be able to eat ever again. After a few stumbling through doctors offices and having paramedics at my house for the first time, I was admitted to hospital with blood sugars of 2.2 and given more than 20 IV drips (dextrose, potassium, magnesium and saline, mostly) in the first 24 hours, with four lines in my arm at once, constantly hooked up for a week (this is when the psych, JB, fucked me up even more, and I was discharged AMA and back to Emergency a week later in an even worse state). I never want to go back there again. I'm nearly 10 months hospital-free, and I want to make it through the year. I can't fuck it up now. I know I shouldn't be restricting at all, especially when I'm running so much... but I've always eaten little when I've been depressed, except for a few rare occasions.
Since I'm trying to get back on track next week, and I'll be trying to go to Safeway with mum on Tuesday or Wednesday (I haven't left the house at all this week), I decided it'd be a good time to do a good ol' fashioned supermarket crawl. Up and down every isle, turning around every package to check the nutritional information. Well, not everything, but still. So far I have on my list: Different yoghurts/dairy snacks, Crunchy cereal or granola, Different types of oats, All the health food isle, Dessert sachets (like jello/puddings), Hot drink mixes, Sauces, Different pastas/grains, Plain fish (frozen or fresh).
Does anyone have any suggestions of things to keep an eye out for? Of course, living in Australia we have some different products, but still, any suggestions are welcome! Not too bothered on whether they'll be 'safe' foods or not, just looking for some new things to try! :)