It's 11:30PM. I can't sleep. I don't want to. Normally I'm out to it early, but I've been staying up later more often lately. I guess the upside is less sleep = less night terrors.
I feel so alone lately. Even with my family around and friends online, I feel completely alone. I don't even think I want to bother talking anymore. Every day I just want more and more to lock myself in my room, cry, hurt myself, starve and wait for peace. I honestly just want to die. I feel like its a sign that I don't have any appointments for four weeks, that it's time to finally give up. Most of the time I can't even figure out how to get from my armchair to making a cup of coffee. I don't know, I can't explain it. I break down in tears because I just don't know what to do, to do little things like that. I literally haven't left the house except for my dietician in a month. Self harm's getting worse. Mostly head hitting, hair pulling and scratching/gouging. I'm still too squeamish about tendons to cut anymore. I've got a grip on burning and hitting my (now-deformed) hand at the moment, too. Mum's worried about the head hitting. She's worried about a lot of things to be honest. I wish I could keep my problems to myself and just bottle it up like a big girl. I hate seeing her upset. I just want to die. I feel like I'm hitting a point of crisis, and I don't know what to do. Maybe this'll be it.
Shit, I'm crying. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I just want to run off and die. Everything feels so intense, so daunting. I'm not coping. I don't have a partner anymore, or a best friend - hell, not even one friend who I actually talk to/catch up with, and my mum can't cope with my shit sometimes. I feel so alone. I just want to die.