Friday, 21 September 2012

It's 11:30PM. I can't sleep. I don't want to. Normally I'm out to it early, but I've been staying up later more often lately. I guess the upside is less sleep = less night terrors.
I feel so alone lately. Even with my family around and friends online, I feel completely alone. I don't even think I want to bother talking anymore. Every day I just want more and more to lock myself in my room, cry, hurt myself, starve and wait for peace. I honestly just want to die. I feel like its a sign that I don't have any appointments for four weeks, that it's time to finally give up. Most of the time I can't even figure out how to get from my armchair to making a cup of coffee. I don't know, I can't explain it. I break down in tears because I just don't know what to do, to do little things like that. I literally haven't left the house except for my dietician in a month. Self harm's getting worse. Mostly head hitting, hair pulling and scratching/gouging. I'm still too squeamish about tendons to cut anymore. I've got a grip on burning and hitting my (now-deformed) hand at the moment, too. Mum's worried about the head hitting. She's worried about a lot of things to be honest. I wish I could keep my problems to myself and just bottle it up like a big girl. I hate seeing her upset. I just want to die. I feel like I'm hitting a point of crisis, and I don't know what to do. Maybe this'll be it.

Shit, I'm crying. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I just want to run off and die. Everything feels so intense, so daunting. I'm not coping. I don't have a partner anymore, or a best friend - hell, not even one friend who I actually talk to/catch up with, and my mum can't cope with my shit sometimes. I feel so alone. I just want to die.


  1. I'm sorry that you're feeling like that. Through your words I feel how hard it all must be. And I know that feeling when you can't cope anymore, can't take it anymore and just want to disappear..I often feel like that. Its hard to find words of support, because no one knows what you're going through, but don't feel alone, because you're not..If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, I'm here, I don't know if that's helpful in any way but its an option. I hope things will get better, at least a little, don't give up on yourself..*many hugs*

  2. Oh sweetheart, I am so very sorry to hear that you're feeling that way and hope that things improves for you super soon. I'm here for you too, as is Lara. ♥♥♥♥