Sunday, 16 September 2012

I'm slipping, I can feel it. I've spent the last two weeks curled up in bed. This week I decided to cut down on running to try and get rid of my calf muscle. I've been getting to my 1,200 calories a day, but not easily. I eat 700-800 and drink the rest in supplements. It fucking sucks, I know, but what am I supposed to do when I won't eat protein and would rather stick to fruit a vege? I know that I'll be losing weight again by the end of this year, even if it's the last day of December. I'm losing motivation fast. I comforted by the fact so much of my intake is supplements, because it means I'm still only really eating 800 or less. One day I could just stop drinking them, and bam, back to 800 calories. And in the meantime I reap the benefits of keeping my intake up, such as getting my metabolism burning again. But one day it'll drop. And I'll hardly even notice. I'll still be able to eat the same during the day, and I just won't spend an hour drinking supplements before bed. And my weight will drop before I know it.

Everything just feels so overwhelming lately. So depressing. I'm still only leaving the house once, maybe twice, a week. Trying to not think about food as much as possible, which is fucking hard. I'm in a state of constant anxiety. I just want to be able to not have to deal with food. No matter how much or how little I eat, it just makes me more miserable. I spend all day trying to find new safe recipes for dinner, with no luck. There's nothing I look forward to, and no goal to work towards. Why am I still even here?


  1. Dear Bella, I worry for you but I can relate so much.
    I only go out now to walk my dogs and food shop.
    I bought a new phone and I don't know why because I don't ever ring anyone and no one rings me.
    I'm isolating but I'm too afraid to go anywhere.

    I know it's hard, harder than you or I could ever have imagined.
    My safe foods are dwindling every day and I am so consumed by food and numbers.

    I wish I could do something more to help you than just type some words
    I am always here if you need to talk, don't hesitate to email me, I always have time for you

    Try to stay strong
    Be kind to you and know that I'm thinking of you today x

  2. Stay strong, don't drop the calories. You've made so much progress until now. You should be proud of yourself, like I am proud of you.

    No goals ? I thought you wanted to learn nutrition and work to help people with eating disorders. It is an amazing dream that you should not give up.

    Love <3

  3. I hate how sad you are recently and how hard a time you're having. It's just not fair, you're so nice and kind and wonderful, you don't deserve this pain.
    Please stay strong and take care of yourself. You can get through this, you're so strong and talented, you can do this.