Saturday, 1 September 2012

Random ramble

I'm still stuck deep in a depression... Last night I sat outside until 2am (after taking sleeping pills at 5pm) crying and hurting myself because 'I don't deserve to go to sleep, I don't deserve to go to bed'. The last few days have been hard. I talked to my dietician on Thursday, and my intakes now up to 1,200. I am eating a normal amount. I am eating a healthy amount. And there's no reason to eat a single calorie above 1,200, as far as I'm concerned. I'm eating healthy amounts, now leave me alone. It's been hard. I'm in a state on constant anxiety about my next meal. She said it'd be good if I can eat family dinners, but it's just not 100% happening. My family are having parmis? I'll have a chicken breast with salsa and low-fat cheese. Pasta? I'll cook my own sauce and boil my pre-weighed pasta separately, thanks. I want to cook a risotto for mum & I, but I won't be having exactly 1/3 of what I put in the pot. I need to know exactly. So that's still a big barrier, and I really miss my mum's cooking. On Tuesdays I have a 'cheat' day, which basically just means I allow myself to not know the exact calories, so I can have a family dinner. The other 6 days a week, it's exact. Heaven help me if mum ever cooked steamed veggies for me, and I couldn't weigh them first (hot food changes weight as it cools... How am I supposed to trust it?)

This has been a completely random ramble. I'm just trying to keep myself distracted until after dinner, 'cause I'm cutting back on smoking again. I'm spending way too much on weed at the moment, so I need to cut it back again. I suck at cutting back. The only times I've gone more than 48hrs without smoking in the last 2.5 years is when I've gone to hospital. And I usually have a cone as soon as I get back home. I don't have self-control with smoking like I do with food.

Picture of my lunch today. It's a 200 cal wrap, using a 100 cal tortilla, with a tin of shredded chicken (like tuna, but I don't eat tuna. It was surprisingly good!) mixed with low fat Caesar dressing, Parmesan and diced bacon, with a little cos. And a bowl of peaches & yoghurt. With a can of sugar free lemonade, lunch was 241 calories.

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to making no noise and pretending I don't exist. Wish me luck that I don't gain 20lb on Tuesday from eating 1,200 cal! :S



  1. Hang in there dear Bella,

    Sending you a hug from halfway across the world,

    Did you get it? x

    1. I got it, thank you Ruby :') Many hugs to you as well, I hope you're doing okay xx

  2. i love you bella. sorry im lost for words but i love u and keep going? I feel like we are slipping down into blackholes at opposite sides of the earth. maybe well meet halfway down, ill wave at you and.give u a hug and hope we get jammed and cant slip any further. i just have images of us journeying towards each other down a tunnel through earth... random. Sorry!! Xx

    1. I love you too. I'm constantly lost for words which is why I don't comment all the time, so I know what you mean. I hope we get jammed too, and stop slipping. It's a beautiful image and I hope that one day we all stop slipping. xx