It really hit me today how much my tastebuds have changed since pre-ED. I never liked oatmeal that much before - I had only tried it a few times - and now I've eaten it for breakfast every morning for four months! I added peaches yesterday. Yum. It's just little things like that, things that I would never have eaten before. And some things I used to love, I can't stand now. For instance, I hate mashed potatoes. Homemade ones, anyway. I blame this on eating so much instant mash in hospital, and so little at home, in the last few years. I love potato in nearly every other form, but I hate homemade mashed potatoes, when I used to love them. Sadly, a lot of dishes my mum used to cook don't interest me anymore. It's not even because of fear of the foods, I just don't like them anymore. I don't know, it's just weird. The only 'favourite food' that's really stuck is Caesar salad, and still I only like that occasionally. Of course I still love all my safe foods that I'd eat when restricting, just more of it. There's no way I can call 45ml of soup a meal at the moment, or my miniscule and precisely weighed serves of fruit. In fact, I'm eating fruit by hand at the moment, though I still weigh it before-and-after so I know exactly how much I've had.
Also, I think my calves are starting to shrink. It's been over a week since I've run, down from 3-6hrs a week, and I haven't had this long of a break in at least a year now. I checked them out this morning and gave them a flex (and they cramped and locked up and hurt like mad), and they're looking a little leaner. My right calf barely has that 'jut' anymore, though my left one's got a lot more muscle to lose. Mum agreed that they look smaller, which is nice. It's good to know I'm not being lazy for nothing. After a month I'm going to take progress pics, and see if I want to take more time off and keep shrinking them, or if they've gone down enough. After that, I'm going to workout exclusively on my elliptical and maybe look into some flat walking tracks, but absolutely no more stepping or calf raises while waiting for breakfast to cook or any of that. Once they're gone, they're not coming back. I'm already chanting at the bit to run again, and I feel like my lungs and cough aren't benefiting from not running either. Oh well. Anything to lose this muscle. And starvation & running didn't do it, so it looks like I'm to not run regardless, but I'm still battling away at my 1,200 calories. Yesterday I ate over half my calories in fresh fruit and veggies - boo yah. And the rest came from oatmeal, yoghurt, fish, and my SF ice cream. I'm a tad stoked about that.
Hope you're all having a good week. I'm still feeling pretty shitty this week, hence mostly eating produce because so many things are just too much. But my weight went down this week, so I guess I'll see if it happens again next week and go from there. I'm just feeling all this pressure from inside to lose moremoremore weight. At least down to 40. Ugh. I can't even find the words to describe how I feel lately. I've been breaking down at least once a day for weeks now, and I hate it. I just want everything to stop.