Sunday, 30 September 2012


Sorry I haven't posted or commented all week. It hasn't been a great week. I also have been holding off on updating Facebook, because whenever I do it seems I get an influx of shit for being too negative, or complaining while not doing anything to improve my situation, or crap like that. So I only post pointless shit occasionally, about the weather and movies. I just want to scream at everyone to leave me the hell alone if they don't want to read/hear how I'm doing. Everyone really is starting to get tired of me and my shit - just like JB said - and they are leaving. Stopping this train of thought now before it brings me down even more.

I'm feeling quite sick this week. That cold that I thought I was getting? Got it. My temperature's been in the 34s (normal is ~36) for a couple of days now, and my cough is getting more painful. The last few days I can not seem to warm up, no matter how many layers and blankets I have. It was also only 12 degrees here yesterday, so that didn't help. Mum made me breakfast this morning because I really just couldn't do it. That's the second, maybe third, thing she's prepared for me this year. It's not a paranoia of her pouring in a glass of oil or anything, I just feel bad asking others to help me prepare food. So I made it simple and just had plain cinnamon-stevia oatmeal - no weighing required and the only measuring was the cinnamon (my oats and stevia are in sachets). A few more calories than my normal breakfast, but oh well. It was nice anyway.

I've also noticed in the last week or so that my hair is starting to thin out. I've never had problems with my hair before, so I guess I've had a good run in the past few years. It's always come out in clumps when I wash and brush it, and I pull it out by the fist-full, but it's always kept it's volume and everything. Now it just feels flat and thin. My hair-ties wrap around an extra time, and it just doesn't feel the same. Mum said that the left side of my head looks very thinned out, and I've never pulled hair from my left. Like I said I've had a good run, but it just doesn't make sense since I'm eating more (note: I know it's not 'enough' yet). Que sera sera.

My anxiety is still through the roof. My hands are constantly shaking and my heart rate's still too high. I'm only leaving the house to see my dietician on Tuesdays, and to see my friend for bud every couple of weeks. To be honest it's been this way for months. I don't even go to the supermarket anymore. And the social season is approaching. Tomorrow's the first of October. Which means NaNoWriMo events will really kick into gear. I used to be a social butterfly with the Melbourne group (we have meet-ups/Drinkies year round), going up to the city literally every day of the month for write-ins and such. I even hosted my own a couple of times. Most of my friends, I met through NaNo. I love them all so much, and I miss them. I haven't gone to an event in so long. I went to one drinkies in 2010, but my boyfriend at the time made it a horrible experience and I ended up running away when we got home. 'nuff said. I started in 2007, started being social in 2008, and then it all came crashing down when I got sick. One of my NaNo friends (my Fairy God Mother - FGM) came to visit me a couple of times when I was inpatient last year - she was the only non-family I let visit me. On the writing side, I used to be a kick-ass spec fiction writer. I loved writing novels. I wrote day-in day-out for years - it was all I wanted to do, especially when I couldn't study. I used to do mad challenges, especially during NaNo. I've done 50,000 words in 24hrs of non-stop writing, a couple of times. And a few years ago I wrote 330k words during November, and got in the top ten world-wide. I stopped writing really as soon as I got sick. And I just can't get back to it. Last year, I wrote about my eating disorder, and failed to finish for the first time, due to hospitalization (I've been hospitalized during Script Frenzy and NaNo before, but still finished. Last year I just couldn't). This year, I'm not even trying. I doubt I'll even log into the site. Definitely not going to be going to events. Last year I lost 12kg+ in a month, because I still felt too fat to go out (hence the hospitalization). I'm really rambling here, I know. It's just that I used to be so passionate about my writing and my costuming/re-productions... and I haven't touched either for two years.

Now that's depressing.

I'm going to make a post, with some pictures of who I used to be and what I used to do before my ED. Sorry I'm such a rambler!


1 comment:

  1. Bella Bella Bella,
    It's okay that you haven't been commenting, you are having a tough time too and I will love you whether you comment or don't comment, okay? It's so sad that Eds manage to rob us of our identities and I'm angry at your friends for leaving, because that is what happened to me too. Apparently you can only be mentally ill for so long before you are supposed to get over it. i bet they wouldnt tell a cancer patient to get over their tumor, why the hell are they STILL having chemo, for goodnes sakes they need to get a grip and just smile and everything will go away and be fine.
    it makes me mad.
    you're so special.
    you're still special despite the ed eating away at who you are.
    and it isn't gone forever, you can get that back in time.
    you are wonderful and you deserve to be here,
    you just need more support getting back on track, and like my lovely gp said, there is nothing wrong with that, people all need extra support at some part in their lives, and when ur friends go through a loss or illness later in their lives, they'll be pissed at themselves for being so insensitive.

    im here for you.
    i love you xxx