It was Tuesday today. We all know what that means. I went to see my dietician this morning and got weighed. I was optimistic because my intake had been below 800 most days, and 500 one day, but I'd gone back up to 1,000 since Sunday and wasn't sure if I'd 'ruined' my efforts. To my dismay, I'd gained weight. Similar to what I gained when I ate a perfect 1,200 the week prior. This is why I've been freaking out, and this is why I need to keep trying - because my metabolism won't let me fucking lose weight unless I restrict to hypoglycemia levels (I was in the high 3s waking up after my 500 day - FML). Three months ago, my weight was maintaining, but I was eating 800-1,000 twice a week and 100-200 every other day. I'm not 'there' yet, but I've come a long way. I can eat at least 1,000 to maintain, and if I give it a few weeks, I'll be able to make it 1,2.00. Regardless, I nearly immediately broke down in tears. I've been crying a lot lately. It was a fairly emotional appointment, but most of it was spent re-assuring me that I wasn't 'gaining gaining', because it was only a kilo over three months, all in the last two weeks since I've been restricting again. She said that she wouldn't let me keep gaining. If this is still happening in a couple of weeks, it'll get looked in to, but I need to stick to the plan to make that work. I told her that the other day, I reached 600 days in a row on MyFitnessPal. The look on her face said it all. Somehow, I don't think that people normally do that. There was a bit of a misunderstanding, I guess, at the end of the appointment, and I had a full-on panic attack and left crying, and it was a  good two hours before I calmed down and we talked to her on the phone. I'm just mad at myself for wasting the last two weeks restricting 'just a little', but enough to fuck up my metabolism. I was a complete wreck when I was trying to make myself breakfast after the appointment, and ended up standing in the kitchen, toast burnt, crying my eyes out, saying to my mum "I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up" over and over. She came over and hugged me and I just cried harder. I don't normally let people touch me at all.

So, yeah, it was a pretty full-on morning. I'm still blown away by how much my dietician honestly cares about me. It's hard to actually be connecting with a medical professional again, because it makes me more 'vulnerable' and likely to break down. My ED psych used to always have this look on legitimate concern on her face, and my dietician has that look too sometimes. I've had a panic attack in front of her before, but it's still just embarrassing. Everyone at the clinic knows that I'm that crazy girl, crying and screaming and scratching her face to shreds in the car after rushing out in tears. It's just embarrassing to have to go back the next week. Ugh. Give me a lobotomy and lock me in the tower, already.

I did talk to my dietician about the protein issue, though. She mentioned the '0.8g protein per kg of weight', except if anything she aims for '...per kg of ideal weight', which is obviously more, and if anything I go for '...per kg of lean muscle mass', which is a little less. So... yeah. My ideal weight is staying where it frikkin' is (if not, going down), so that leaves me exactly where I was. I'm just not ready to leap that hurdle yet. So, in the meantime, I need to focus on getting more fruits and vege in. I'm gonna need ~250g carbs a day to get to my 1,200 calories (allowing for my protein limit and average fat intake), and I don't wanna have to eat that many grains. So I'm really focussing on getting more fruit in this week! What really got me motivated, was grapes! GRAPES! Green, seedless, Thompson grapes. Ohhh, yes! I haven't had them in months! Everytime I go to Safeway, I check if there's grapes, but they're always seeded or 'may have come into contact with sulfur dioxide', so I pass. But today mum came home with a big ol' bag of USA imported Thompsons! Yummm! So I've got a decent 200-300g of grapes in my meal plan tomorrow, along with apple, peach, and I'm gonna sit down with a whole half cantaloupe with breakfast and see where I go (normally it takes me 4 cups of coffee to get down a slice of toast and a small bowl oats, so I'm not about to add more grains). Dinner, I'm going to pick up some red peppers and stuff them with mexican rice! I've never had stuffed peppers before, but I like them, and Safeway had cute baby red bell peppers about a month ago that struck a bone of inspiration.

On that note, does anyone have any meal suggestions that mostly involve grains and vegetables? No meat, dairy, or protein substitutes are in my sights (I'm working under a 40g limit, and it adds up surprisingly quickly just from grains and such)... I'm gonna pick up some tomato & onion vegan sausages that I like, but they still have a little protein in them. Veggies in our house growing up were generally fresh carrots and beans, and the protein was always the 'main attraction', so I'm not really used to 'making a dish' from vegetables (and grains)!

xxBella