Tuesday, 18 September 2012

The dreaded numbers

I'm starting to lose track of how many times I've had an anxiety attack in front of my dietician, or left a crying wreck and broken down in the car park. I feel so awful every time it happens, and it's happening more often. Obviously, today's appointment didn't go so well. I went in with my mum, and instead of weighing me straight away we sat down for a chat first, since the scales can throw me so much. It was very short. I told her I was really anxious since my weight had gone up two weeks in a row, and I don't know what I'd do if it went up again this week (yeah, as if I don't know...). She then said my BMI is 'still' around 15.5. I broke down crying and walked out. That's 6kg higher than I started. I don't know why she felt she should tell me my weight when I'm fully dressed in shoes and jacket and with coffee in my tummy and all. Especially when I'm supposed to be blind weighed because numbers are triggering as fuck. Mum stayed in to talk with her and then came out. They'd talked about the fact that we both had very different starting weights, though I'm ~1.5kg higher than I started. The first time I was weighed, it was midday with a tummy full of food, wearing a ski jacket and runners. I weighed myself that morning accurately, and go by that. Obviously there's going to be a difference because I don't weigh myself like this normally - it's not an accurate reading, so why would I?

Regardless, I spent nearly half an hour in the car by myself crying, and then another half hour crying and talking with mum. Still in the car park. She went in to ask if my dietician could squish me in between appointments, and she'd had a cancellation, so we went straight in. Got weighed, lost weight. She hugged me, which I don't normally let anyone do. We sat down and had a chat and I told her how BMIs automatically convert to kilograms in my head, and when I last weighed myself at home on the day I first saw her, I was BMI 13.8 (47.2kg - 6kg lighter than 15.5 BMI), and I know that I'm gonna weigh more on her scales because of clothes and coffee and such, but it was still really triggering to basically hear "You've gained 6kg.". She confirmed that it's only gone up 1.5kg as of last week - less now since I lost weight. She's surprisingly understanding of my anxiety, and I can see that she actually cares. It's weird, but really nice.

But I lost weight. On 1,200 every day, plus a 1,350 day. I've drunk supplements nearly every night - totalling to roughly 2,000 calories - to reach my 1,200 calories. I don't have an excuse. I've also been in bed most of the week - I only ran half an hour on Wednesday, and bed rest since then. And I lost weight. The week prior I ate more like 800, ran 6 hours, and gained, so I can't really explain that one. But it was a relief in some form, I guess. Part of me was hoping I would gain weight, so I'd have no choice but to restrict again. I just want an excuse to only eat fruits and vegetables, to be honest. I can't reach 1,200 calories eating just produce, and I don't want to have so many supplements this week, so it looks like that's waiting for a little while longer. I still feel like I'll be restricting again within the next few months, and running will definitely come back on the cards (once I've given my body a decent break so I can actually, you know, burn calories when I run). I don't know. I just don't want to eat this much most days. But I'm gonna try to work some protein in again this week, and I've bought some lovely, plain, frozen hoki fillets to have with potato & salad... probably some teriyaki chicken with rice. I might even be brave and make healthy Taco Rice, since it looks awesome. It's Japanese, if you'd believe it! But basically taco seasoned mince (I'd do more vege, less meat) on a bed of lettuce and rice, topped with salsa. I figure if I do lots of diced vege and only a little mince, it'll be fairly healthy (as far as Mexican goes anyway!). Or stuffed bell peppers... Anything that I can bulk up with more veggies!

Hope you're all chugging along okay. I'm feeling awfully lazy on bed rest, but when running doesn't help me lose weight (if anything it makes me gain from muscle), and stresses me because I don't want to bulk up my leg any more, there's really no enjoyment to it at the moment. Ah well. Que sera sera.


  1. I think I cry after every appointment with someone at the moment too, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much and feeling so much anxiety, I can understand although I know that doesn't make it any easier.

    today after my appointment with my care coordinator's replacement for the week I was crying so much I had to walk the long way to work just to avoid people staring at me and my hyserical tears. She kept going on about the future in the appointment, how i should plan for it, how i must want it if only a part of me. i couldnt help crying. i dont. you know, i know you understand how that feels too. im just not sure why i'm still going to appointments, im sure you feel that way too, but i hope we both find a way to keep going, somehow, for some reason. love you xxx

  2. Oh dear Bella, I know only too well how anxiety provoking weighs can be. I had to stop weighing myself as any little gain was ruining my life.
    Even when Mary weighs me I usually have a meltdown if I gain.
    I hate how much power those numbers have over us.

    Those little numbers don't tell you how beautiful you are.
    They don't tell you what a loving, giving person you are.
    They don't measure your worth.

    I'm trying so very hard not to let numbers rule my life but I feel like I'm losing that battle at the moment.

    Keep fighting,

    Love ya x

  3. I hate breaking down in front of people, too. After I stop crying, or when I'm finally alone, I feel so bad. But sometimes I just cant control it..

    I do sometimes weigh myself in the evening, I don't know why I do that to myself..with my clothes on and food and liquids in my tummy, of course the number will be up a lot, since I weigh myself in underwear in the morning. Yes its a huge trigger, but I think everything that is just part of this ED.

    Hope you feel at least a little better...*hugs*