Monday, 3 September 2012

I'm having a relaxed Monday today. Mondays are always stressful because I know I'm getting weighed in less than 24 hours, and I feel really urged to restrict. I also had an unusually busy Sunday yesterday, so mum and I are calling today Sunday (we tend to have 'Sundays' through the week sometimes). I had a brilliant run in the morning, then went to Safeway, baked an awesome-looking lemon cake, and dropped it off to a friend. I was out of the house at 8:30PM! Needless to say, I went to bed within half an hour of getting home. I'm really not a night owl anymore.

I've been feeling very somber lately, but today I'm actually not feeling too bad (let's ignore the fact I've smoked a little this morning...). I wonder why I bother, what's the point of it all... Every now and then, more often than I'd like to admit, I think about how I'm going to die, when I'm going to die. I've always thought I'd die before 30. Maybe I will. I don't know what I'm holding on for. Everyone always says that things will be 'okay' again one day, but I don't remember a time when my life was okay. My mum tells me that it used to be, but I don't remember it. Between my overdose just before I turned 13 and the most trauma-causing abuse in my life at 14-15, my memory before that age is very vague. Sometimes I remember little bits and pieces, but for the most part I don't remember what life was like. Yes, I would love to get back into costuming and historical reproductions, maybe apply to NIDA, maybe start writing again... But I don't think I'll ever want to let go of my ED, for so many reasons.

Yes, I'm eating a 'healthy' amount of food, but there has been no change in the severity of my eating disorder. The obsessiveness, the niggling desire to lose 'just 5 more kilos', the fear of gaining, the 24/7 thoughts, the maths, the running, the measuring and weighing of everything I consume down to the 0.1 gram, the safe and fear foods, the crying, the wanting to die, the struggle to put each bite in my mouth... Everything's still the same. But my blood sugars are stable (most of the time) and so is my weight (at BMI 13-14). I'm still tired all the time, and I'm still completely freezing all the time. I'm still avoiding psychiatrists like the plague, but I'm managing to see my dietician every week, and I'm still looking for a new GP. I can't fuck this up by restricting. I always regret ending up in hospital and being force-fed, wishing I could've done it myself beforehand, exactly what I'm doing now. It's hard, but I know I have to. It's the best way I can try to avoid a hospital bed and forced weight gain.

I'm a little stressed about the upcoming weekend. I'm gonna be home alone, or at least with my mum away, from Saturday morning until Monday afternoon. My brother might be around, he might be staying at his girlfriend's place, but regardless he doesn't really watch what I eat. He's around for dinner, but I have no fucking clue what/when he eats during the day apart from when he makes toast/crumpets when I'm in the kitchen. He's usually out-and-about doing work and study and volunteer and relationship type stuff, and when he's home during the day he tends spend a lot of time in his room. After dinner most nights we all sit on the back porch and have a chat and a laugh by the fire, but he only eats dinner with us - not breakfast or lunch (he also has unusual and ever-changing sleep patterns). So apart from dinner there's not going to be anyone to notice if I'm eating less than I should be. I've posted up before the quote of "Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching", and that I don't think I have any. It's so, so tempting to restrict hardcore, or even fast. And I know I'd just fuck my blood sugars up royally and end up in a hypo for most of the weekend, which isn't something I wanna do. It's going to be a tough weekend though.

I've been dipping my toes into another bit of a fear food, actually - milk coffee/drinks. Now, I still don't have any interest in drinking it day-in-day-out like I used to, but I do like to have one for a special treat sometimes. I've had a couple of skim lattes (I use the Nescafe sachets) in the last few weeks, and yesterday I had a skim mocha after lunch, and a proper hot chocolate before bed (by proper I mean a full serve of low-fat hot chocolate powder made with water, instead of a half-serve plus some sugar-free choc powder which is 17 calories less). If I look at them as snacks/treats instead of how I drink black coffee all day, it makes them much less scary considering there ~50 cal each. So they're kinda nice to have as an option now. I still won't tackle adding milk to drinks, but the coffee sachets and hot chocolate powder have milk powder in them anyway, so I don't have to stress about how much to add. I also bought a box of Milo oatmeal yesterday! Who knew Milo made porridge?! Anyway, they were on special so I figured they might be good to have for a before-bed snack if I get hungry, since they have like 115 calories for a whole sachet, and I used to  love hot Milos before bed but again I won't tackle the milk.

I'm gonna curl up in bed and put on some Family Guy for today, I think. I'm mega anxious about getting weighed tomorrow after upping my intake by a fair bit, but I think I'm still glad I did. If I gain a little this week, at least I still won't be heavier than I started, and hopefully I'll maintain on week 2 of 1,200. One day at a time. Sending my love to all of you wonderful girls who are struggling at the moment. Keep fighting <3


1 comment:

  1. I completely understand your freaking out before weighting and your urge to restrict. I know how it feels and I know that my words won't change a thing, but it's always nice to know that someone cares about you.
    You've been doing so great lately, it would be such a shame to give up now. You were able to increase your amount without putting on weight, which is amazing. And by doing that you managed to keep your sugar levels stables, which is even more amazing.
    I hope you realise that it's by keeping on this healthy life style that you won't end up in hospital anymore. You can gradually let go of that fear of ending up in hospital.
    You can't cheat yourself, you can't cheat for your own life. Restricting from this healthy diet would be cheating yourself. I'm sure you know that, and that's why I am encouraging you to keep going.
    Don't restrict.
    I know it's not easy, especially if you are only 'watched' at dinner. But please, keep doing great at breakfast and lunch too.
    It is not for your family, it is not for the doctors, it is not for your friends, it is not for your readers, it is for yourself.

    I love you, and will always be here for you.