Friday, 21 September 2012

Four weeks... and no one watching.

I'm feeling so physically exhausted and weak lately. I never notice how little energy I really have until I stop overexercising for a week or so (which is rare). I always feel tired and weak, and I get dizzy and need to sit down after a few minutes on my feet. My blood pressure's fine. Blood sugars are fine. Not sure why I'm getting dizzy. As an aside, I may be coming down with a cold/flu (trust me - as soon as Winter ends!). I've had a few short bursts of horrible headaches or throat aches or a blocked nose, but it hasn't hit me full-on yet, which is normally how it happens. My brother, who has had literally maybe three colds in his entire life, got really sick with colds and bronchitis and chest & ear infections, and was on anti-biotics for a month, so I'm surprised I escaped catching that. My cough's also been hitting my lungs more - not just my throat. Eurgh, I just really don't want to get sick right now when I'm not feeling so great to start with.

I'm going to make an appointment with a new GP soon, and hopefully get a good physical check-over. I'm sure none of you will be surprised, due to the incompetent-ness of my last couple of doctors, but I really haven't had any form of physical check since... last March, so 18 months ago. That's the majority of my ED. That was when I had my first ED-related medical admission, followed by inpatient. I got the full run -  bloods, ECGs, x-rays, scans of all sorts, bone densitometry scans, the whole shebang. Since then? I didn't see a GP until last December, with my last medical admission, and then a couple more appointments a few months ago. I haven't had a proper blood test since December, because the one my GP did there wasn't enough blood so a lot of results didn't come back. I check my blood pressure at home but only once has it 'been checked' this year. I haven't had my heart checked in any form for 18 months, though I know my heart-rate is yet again back to tachycardia ranges (currently resting 120-160 BPM, when I was in the 80s two months ago), and I'm pretty sure it's irregular. I get weird chest pains more often these days but I don't know if it's my heart or lungs. I have no clue if I've damaged my bone density, or even had stress fractures from over-exercising, in the last year and a half, which is when I've done the bulk of the damage to my body. I'm just getting paranoid about my health lately, but I just have these niggling fears... don't even get me started on the damage I may've done from hitting my head so badly this year.

After I see my dietician on Tuesday, I don't have any appointments for four weeks. Scary, I know. One week she's not working, then she's booked out, then she's not working again. So that's a four week gap. I cried talked to mum earlier about my concerns about those four weeks, the fear of weight gain from not being weighed and the fear of starving because no one's watching. We're going to try to get a cancellation or something for the week she's booked out, but that's not certain. I could see if I could get an appointment on a Thursday, but she only works afternoons and that'd mean dry fasting all morning (and I get up at 5am). I don't know what I'm going to do. I just keep thinking "But you could lose so much weight in those four weeks... you could easily get back to your low weight.". Though I know I'm more likely to end up in hospital or dead than seeing my dietician again in four weeks. And then I wonder if I want that.

Maybe I do.

1 comment:

  1. I always measure the time between my appointments with Mary by how much weight I can lose.

    I understand the temptation to starve while no one is watching but I know how much you don't want another hospital admission.

    I cried my heart out with Mary today
    Please dear Bella, don't end up like me and lose 12 years and your sanity to this illness.
    If only I could go back I would have tried to get well sooner, when these behaviours weren't so entrenched.
    Don't be a slave to food and numbers.
    I feel I have to say this to you, I hope you don't mind, it's coming from a place of love x