Wednesday, 3 October 2012

I can't sleep. I'm not too sure why. It's after nearly 1AM, though, and I never stay up this late any more. I've been up since 3AM, so excuse my sleep deprived ramble.

I'm halfway through my first two-week stint without appointments/weigh-ins... I'm struggling, but I'm still here, right?

I also have my GP appointment next week, so that'll be interesting. Hopefully she'll be better than my last two GPs. I've been keeping a closer eye on things the last few days. My temperature's still low, and my cough is still getting worse before it gets better. My blood pressure and heart rate have definetely gone up since I stopped exercising. My resting heart rate floats around 120-140 at the moment, and the blood pressure machine keeps flashing up with the little 'irregular beat' symbol. Mum asked yesterday if I wanted an appointment just to get my heart & lungs checked, before I see the GP next week, just to be sure. But, really, who the hell would I go to? This GP is the only option at the moment, and next week's her next appointment. My last GP, who didn't think my blood pressure was a big deal? She knows we have a machine at home, which is why it wasn't a big deal for her to check it. Not even going to bother.

The thoughts of wanting to restrict are so constant, and they have been for over a month now. Day in, day out, eatlesseatlesseatlesseatless. I cry a lot about it. Everything is too much right now. The least I could get away with to keep my blood glucose stable is maybe 500 calories, but even when I've tried that my sugars have been in the 3s the next morning. Too many wasted calories. On only fruit and vege I could maybe squeeze it in at 500-600, but not now. I don't understand. I never used to have problems with hypoglycemia. I ate double-digit calories every motherfucking day for months on end, over-exercised, fasted, never overate, and I was fucking fine. Then I just completely stopped eating for a few weeks. And then there were paramedics and hospital and hypoglycemia and the end of my fucking weight loss. Sorry for swearing so much. Last night I was crying in great heaving sobs to my mum, that all I want is my 50 calories a day, my jelly cup and my soup, and that I can never have it, that it isn't fair, that my body can't hold up to it anymore. She said that it sounded like I was mourning. And I guess I am a little. I just want it all back so badly. It's a year next month since my blood sugar issues first started. It's nearly a year since I was happy with what I was eating. I've had a stable intake (enough to keep my glucose levels stable day-to-day) for months. Yet my sugars still plummet the morning after a 500 day. I know my family care too much to not call an ambulance if I'm in danger. I wouldn't ask them to. But it leaves me feeling stuck in this horrible numbness. If I cry and scream and hurt myself, heaven help me. If my blood sugars go below 3, or my blood pressure falls, or raises, or my heart rate gets to high, or I'm too irrational, if I stop eating, if I feel suicidal, if I hit my head too much. All are red flags for threatening me with ambulances and the Emergency room and ITOs.

I just want to be alone where no one can call an ambulance.

Sorry that I keep rambling off into depressing topics. It's not really a concern to be honest. Ever since I first got ITO'd and went inpatient, I've always just wanted to be on my own, where no one can call ambulances or take me hospital, because they wouldn't be around to see/do it. It's more an idle fantasy than anything, I guess. Apartment inspections and talking to agents and such gives me so much anxiety, hence I've never moved out though it's been an 'idle fantasy' for so long. I just want that apartment... with no food in the cupboards, and a spin bike instead of a sofa in front of the TV. Where I can lock myself away in my tower and disappear. But let's see if I can get past my crippling anxiety and agoraphobia and actually leave the house, before trying to move out. Yeah, right.


  1. oh sweetheart I want to hold you and keep you together. i cant find the words, know im here for you too like you are for me, your comments are gold and i love them. (check your facebook, you'll understand) x

  2. 1 AM ramblings are sometimes a good thing. If you let it all out then you can keep nothing left inside. I just started blogging and I have been reading yours. You are beautiful and so are yur words.