Saturday, 13 October 2012

Everything is Too Much

I can't do this. I can't fucking do this.

Food is wrong. Food is too much. Everything is too much. I can't eat. I just can't. Eating is not okay, and it never will be. Food is not okay. I still want to die. My body is getting everything (and more) it needs in Ensure, and I shouldn't want or need more. No more than what is essential. Is it even essential to have Ensure? Black coffee is okay. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee. It doesn't matter what it is or how many calories it has, everything makes me feel guilty. Juice. Juice has less calories. But it's not essential. Even adding fucking flavours to my Ensure makes me feel guilty. Black coffee is okay, and vanilla Ensure is okay, but heaven help me if I want to combine the two and make an iced coffee. It's too much. I don't want to want anything. Anything apart from vanilla Ensure and black coffee is absolutely piggish.

It's not the calories - I have the same amount every day regardless. It's the food. The taste. The guilt. The food. I can't even explain why I feel this way, or how it feels. Everything seems excessive. Adding coffee granules to my Ensure to make an iced coffee is downright piggish. Juice is downright piggish. Anything is too much. I don't need to have anything. I don't fucking need it. If it has less calories than Ensure, in some ways that's worse, because then I need to have more and I must want more. I don't want anything. So why would I want to eat anything, even safe foods?

How long until I'm only drinking one Ensure a day, made strong enough to get all my daily calories into a neat little 8oz serve? How long until I drop the Ensure, and have nothing and hypo and die? I can't justify eating or drinking anything any more. Nothing is okay. Black coffee is my one 'indulgence'. The only way to justify my calorie intake, is to not actually eat. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee - that's all that's okay, and even that's a struggle.

The walls are closing in.
I still want to die.
I haven't bothered taking any supplement pills (multivitamins and iron supplements and such) in two days.
Why bother keeping my body 'healthy'?
How long until the calories are no longer okay?
How long until I die?

I can't eat. I can't stop this, and I'm scared.


  1. Dear Bella, please, I urge you, don't cut down anymore, I am so very worried.
    I know you say that you want to die and I do too sometimes but I can't stand by and watch you do this to yourself.
    I want more than anything for you to get help, to get well. Don't let this bitch of an illness take your precious life and you are precious Bella.
    This illness is like a poison that seeps in to our bodies and our minds.
    I know you are weak but please fight, take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, even a minute at a time.

    Please don't go x

  2. Don't die please Bella. I haven't known you for long but I feel like I have known you forever just by reading your blogs and your comments on mine. Your are so beautiful and brave to even last this long.
    Dieing isn't the answer, I know I think about it all the time that I just want to go, but think about all the people who love you. Your family loves you every very much and all of us who comment love you too. Your are strong to have gone on this long. Just hang on a little longer and get some help. Even if it's not help with eating, just stick with coffee and the ensure, but talk to someone about the dark feelings and thoughts of waiting to die. It will help you I'm sure. I want to help you so bad. Hnag in there beautiful. <3