I can't do this. I can't fucking do this.
Food is wrong. Food is too much. Everything is too much. I can't eat. I just can't. Eating is not okay, and it never will be. Food is not okay. I still want to die. My body is getting everything (and more) it needs in Ensure, and I shouldn't want or need more. No more than what is essential. Is it even essential to have Ensure? Black coffee is okay. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee. It doesn't matter what it is or how many calories it has, everything makes me feel guilty. Juice. Juice has less calories. But it's not essential. Even adding fucking flavours to my Ensure makes me feel guilty. Black coffee is okay, and vanilla Ensure is okay, but heaven help me if I want to combine the two and make an iced coffee. It's too much. I don't want to want anything. Anything apart from vanilla Ensure and black coffee is absolutely piggish.
It's not the calories - I have the same amount every day regardless. It's the food. The taste. The guilt. The food. I can't even explain why I feel this way, or how it feels. Everything seems excessive. Adding coffee granules to my Ensure to make an iced coffee is downright piggish. Juice is downright piggish. Anything is too much. I don't need to have anything. I don't fucking need it. If it has less calories than Ensure, in some ways that's worse, because then I need to have more and I must want more. I don't want anything. So why would I want to eat anything, even safe foods?
How long until I'm only drinking one Ensure a day, made strong enough to get all my daily calories into a neat little 8oz serve? How long until I drop the Ensure, and have nothing and hypo and die? I can't justify eating or drinking anything any more. Nothing is okay. Black coffee is my one 'indulgence'. The only way to justify my calorie intake, is to not actually eat. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee - that's all that's okay, and even that's a struggle.
The walls are closing in.
I still want to die.
I haven't bothered taking any supplement pills (multivitamins and iron supplements and such) in two days.
Why bother keeping my body 'healthy'?
How long until the calories are no longer okay?
How long until I die?
I can't eat. I can't stop this, and I'm scared.