Sunday, 28 October 2012

I can't believe it's Sunday already. The week's flown. Time flies when you're not doing much. My great achievement for this week, is having created an elaborate 8-page meal plan, with every option for things I can eat, and all the calories, and all the weights and details of what I eat. The big reason I made this, is because mum is still helping out, preparing most of my food, so this is a handy reference.

 I have a few options - but not too many - for each meal and snack, and the second half is all the details and serving sizes and weights for the food. It brings me out between 1,058-1,255 depending on what I choose, and it's all food I'm comfortable with. Huzzah. I've been off Ensure for nearly a week now, but I really haven't been that motivated to eat still. But now I've got my meal plan done, I can at least avoid all 'outside' options for a while yet and not have to worry about choices. Obviously, being 8 pages, I won't post it all here. But I've mostly been eating oatmeal with fruit, salad sandwiches and small serves of salad/lean protein/starch for meals, and snacks have been fruit, yoghurt, lots of peaches & custard, rice cakes and the occasional muesli bar. And I think I'm okay with most of it.

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to stick with this, before it all comes crashing down. The voice is banging in my head louder and louder, to stop eating, to lose more weight, to throw it all away. I feel so guilty for everything I eat. I'm still in bed most of the day. I did some light cleaning the other day, and I'm still aching from it. I feel like such a fat, lazy slob. I'm too fat to be sick. I just want to run and run and run until my heart goes *ping*.

Still having anxiety attacks a couple of times a day. I think I had nearly two days without one at some point, but yeah, not lately *sigh* I really can't believe it's Sunday already. Time is just disappearing. And I'm just sitting here being a lardass. I need to run, I need to eat less, I need to get this fucking weight off. I feel so weak. No self control. I just want to cry. Why the hell did I start eating again when I was going so well? Ugh. I need to get my shit together. My head is just a constant battleground.


  1. I can relate Bella, there's a constant tug of war going on in my head, sleep is the only peace of mind I get. I actually look forward to going to bed at night.

    Hang in there dearest,

    Love ya x

  2. Oh lovely Bella, please don't give up.
    I'm so proud of you, you've come so far.

    I'm happy you've set up a meal plan. I love making lists. It make things sound more official don't you think. And it truly helps sticking to plans.

    You stopped running, but still want to. How about you switched your running with a simple walk outside instead. I'm sure it will help you release stress.
    Try it, and tell me how you feel afterwards.

    Love xX