I saw my dietician yesterday, after another two-week break. I'd been dreading the appointment the whole time, and the day before my appointment had been my first day without Ensure for nearly three weeks. There was a lot to fill her in on.

When we got there, I just stared at the floor. I don't think I made eye contact the whole time. My dietician came to collect us from the waiting room, and she took me straight to the scales. When I first started seeing her, she would always weigh me, then we'd go back to her office and she'd check the computer to see how my weight had changed. Now, she actually checks my weight before she weighs me, and the second I step on she tells me whether I've gained or lost. "You're exactly the same". At least I didn't gain. When I'm inconsistent with my intake, I usually gain.

Walking back to her office, she said that I must be relieved, and I just blurted out "...except that I hardly ate for two weeks...". Stare at the floor, sit down, stare at my lap, and the conversation turns to a frenzy between my dietician and my mum. My thighs look so much wider, I swear they do. Mum filled her in on that I'd been drinking Ensure and told her how the past few weeks had been. I barely said two words the whole time. "...but everything was going so well last time I saw you.", she'll say, "she'd been on Ensure for four days by then", says mum. She asked me what triggered it, why I'd gone to liquids when it'd not been a problem before, why I hadn't been eating. All I could say is "I just had a hard few weeks, I just didn't want to eat"

She said that she was worried about me, and asked me to call her later in the day if I had anything to ask or talk about, that she'd be there until 6pm. I didn't. She also offered for me to come in and see her on Thursday, but again I don't think I will.  She asked about the GP, if I'd seen her, and mum told her about the anxiety attack. I feel like I'm a failure at anything, just a disappointment. I just sat there holding my head in my hands, crying, staring at the floor, silent. Though I think I did well to stay for the whole appointment, even if I didn't say much, because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't even know what to say any more.

I realised the other day, that I've maintained between 41-48kg for over 12 months now. That's a long time I have a BMI of 12-14. Obviously I wish I was closer to 41kg (I'm about 46kg now), but it's still a huge achievement to get that low and maintain under 50kg for over a year. I'm actually kinda glad I 'threw in the towel' with losing more weight, because this is a lot more sustainable I guess. I do want to lose more at some stage, down to at least 40kg, but I know it's not the right time to do that now. I feel like if I'm eating food, then I should be running. The only problem is that I barely have the energy to move. I feel so weak, so exhausted all the time. I can barely breathe and my heart still pounds at 140+ bpm. I just want to starve and run, but at the moment I don't feel I can do either. How much longer will I play this little game, until I crack and throw it all away?

I've spent a little time in the kitchen the past couple of days, just doing little chores, but I am so exhausted. I walk so slowly and unsteadily at the moment, and I'm exhausted and my heart's racing after only a few minutes on my feet. Today I'm back in bed. I'm working on a nicely formatted meal plan to print out, so mum doesn't need to keep checking how many grams of ____ I want and things like that. I feel so, so lazy. Surely I shouldn't be feeling this bad on 1,200 calories, and it's just sheer laziness keeping me bedridden. I just have such a hard time dealing with it right now. Dealing with anything, really. I haven't self harmed in two days though, which is good. For now, I'm going to get working on my meal plan to try and keep myself distracted this morning.

I hope everyone's having a good week - thank you to all who've commented, and sorry I'm so slack with replying and commenting. You guys mean the world to me <3


xxBella