It's just time to stop eating. I just don't want to eat. I feel like my anorexia's moving to yet another 'stage'. I'd be lying if I said "It's not about weight or calories", but it's true that they aren't priorities right now. I just don't want to have to put food in my mouth anymore. I kind of want to go to just supplements soon, because I really just don't want to have to eat, but I know that my body needs intake to keep myself out of hospital and all that jazz. So here I am, barely eating, having most of my calories in supplements, and I love it. I want to try a day with just six supplements, just to see what happens, with nothing else. I just don't want to eat anymore. I'm sure the calories will drop again one day, because I do still want to lose more weight, but it's not a pressing issue right now. It doesn't work. If I eat little enough to lose weight, I'm hospitalized within the week. And if I eat just enough to keep my body stable I maintain or gain anyway. Metabolism repair and all that. Slow going, as I've been upping my intake by about 100 calories a month, if that. But for now, I just want to stop eating food. I don't care so much about low calories or weight loss right now, as they aren't priorities. I just ant to stop eating food. It just feels like it's time to stop eating, you know? It's what feels right. Just like when I stopped running (four weeks tomorrow!), it was the right time. And now it's the right time for me to stop eating. I just don't want to eat anymore. I'd be quite happy on supplements until the day I die, if it means I don't have to eat. I feel free and wonderful without eating, regardless of the calories.
I feel really good about it. Love it. I don't have to eat real food, and with the small spoonfuls and long time it takes me to eat yoghurt, it barely feels like I'm really eating. I have all of the good feeling that come with not eating, but none of the risks. The only downside is that I find the supplements very rich - they're 1.5% fat and I've only had skim dairy for years (except on re-feeding last year - it make me awfully sick). We were raised on low-fat fairy, diet sodas, no butter on toast and not to eat the fat on meat. I'm grateful for it and have no problems with it, because we were also taught balance and treats and normality (she isn't a health freak or anything). Obviously that's irrelevant now, but I'm grateful for my mum teaching my brother & I realistic and balanced eating. But they do take a while to get through. Still, it's better than having to eat.
I just want to stop eating food.
Dietician and GP tomorrow morning, 8:10 and 8:30. Hopefully I'll have time to pop out for a smoke in between, and potentially throw a shit-fit if my weigh-in didn't go well, before I meet the new GP. I haven't left the house in over a month except for the clinic (mum does all my shopping now). I've been resting for four weeks now, and my legs feel like jelly. I'm very weak on my feet, very tired. My temperature's still reading about 34 degrees. Heart rate still reads ~150 resting, and the machine pops up with a little 'irregular heartrate' symbol every time, though my BP is stable. Glucose is still doing well. My wheeze is really bad and loud, and my cough isn't so crash hot. Priorites for tomorrow: Blood test, heart, lungs, temperature, anti-depressant script. It's not a double appointment so I can't get everything taken care of, but it'll be a simple enough way to gauge how she deals with EDs. Everything else can wait a little longer.
Speaking of which, my Implanon (contraceptive) still hasn't been replaced. Confirmed no period. I got it in Aug '09, developed ED around Jun '10, and got my Implanon removed at the beginning of August this year. I hadn't had a period since '09, so I've never really known if my ED would prevent it, but now I do. Slightly chuffed to be honest.
A few pictures to share with y'all :) Hope you've all had a relaxing weekend! xx
|Hand around Ankle|
|Sitting on the porch swing in my Old Lady shawl|
(I generally prefer the more Gothic, clad-in-black
look to bright pink, in case you hadn't guessed)