Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Hypoglycemic yesterday. Woke up with 3.7 blood sugars, and they came back up above 4 sometime in the afternoon. Monday wasn't so great, and I only had three Ensures and my coffees. So I pushed it. I thought 100g carb would be okay (120g of carbohydrate is the minimum to keep my sugars in a normal range). Obviously not. Ridiculous. Four Ensures yesterday (130g carb) so hopefully this morning will be okay.

I'm trying to add flavours back to my Ensure. So far I've figured out I can have normal Vanilla, or add coffee granules, or add sugar-free drinking Chocolate powder, or add sugar-free Strawberry powder. I love those sugar-free mixes. Vitarium make them. They're like Nesquik, but they're sugar-free so they have next-to-no calories. Strawberry's like 4 calories a tablespoon, and Chocolate's like 8 calories a tablespoon. I also have their Mocha mix, but I haven't tried it yet, and they also make Banana. I'm not sure if their available overseas, but they're definetely worth checking out for anyone reading down here in Aus. They also make a reduced-sugar chocolate muffin mix (the only reduced-sugar cake mix I've ever found) which is very handy to keep around, and some other stuff. Best of all? It's all made with Natvia and natural goodness. I sound like I'm advertising, but really I'm just in love with this stuff. I use the Chocolate drinking powder to flavour my 90 calorie Chocolate Muffins... You'd never know. Just a handy hint.

But yes, that's what I'm adding. I found the Chocolate powder way too sweet in Ensure though, but I'm gonna try Strawberry later today. Maybe I just don't like chocolate milk. I honestly don't know. I like hot chocolate with just a little milk, but I don't know if I've ever had just chocolate milk or milkshakes even. I'm going to try the Chocolate Ensure powder though and see if that's any better - I need to get more today anyway. I'm resisting the urge to switch from Ensure to juice. I know I don't need to drop more calories, but it's just this niggling thought. I'm staying on Ensure for now though, which I guess is better than nothing. I just need to actually drink all five to get to 1,200.

I'm not too sure where I'm going right now. I've worked so hard this year, avoiding hospital and psychiatrists. I can't go to the hospital to get help, because I wouldn't need to be on a medical ward (mum begs to differ) and I will not go to their psych ward. Then there's the unavoidable psychiatrists. Either the hospital psych (...'nuff said), or be admitted through a private psych, and face forced weight gain and treatment and no, just no. Just not an option. Not walking in to that one again. So hospital still isn't an option right now. So for now I'm stuck. Six days until I see the dietician. Over half way there. I need to get to a GP still, but it's just so much effort right now. Ugh. I've become so lazy since I stopped running.

There's still an hour or so before the sun comes up. I've been waking up at 5am again. I'm sleeping through most of the day, on top of 6-8 hrs solid at night. Stupid sleepy stoner. I just don't want to deal with anything at the moment. If my ED went away then I'd have to deal with the real issues.
I cry to mum that I've wanted to die since I was 10, that it's not fair I'm still here.
She says that it's not fair what's happened to me, that I've never gotten the help I need.
Everything's flooding in and I just don't want to deal with it.
I just want to forget.
Everything's so daunting.
I just don't want to get up today.

11 days since I stopped eating.


  1. this breaks my heart :( I hope you feel better soon bella.

  2. i'm praying for you bella. please get better

  3. I love you little bella, ma petite belle bella. sorry about the hypo, i hate that so much. i wish i could help you somehow, if only magic were real and we could cast spells to make things bearable, okay, manageable. i know you are struggling a lot, and there isn't much i can do to help, but know that i'm here, i'm reading, and you can message me whenever you want xxx

  4. Every time I read one of your posts, I am never sure how to comment- yet I feel awful not leaving one. I always feel your sadness and like Cleona, it breaks my heart too. I want you to- and hope- you get better. My thoughts are always with you lovely xx