Friday, 5 October 2012

Meal plan babbling

I'm trying a new tactic with my meal plan. It's based on my old re-feeding menu - but still 1,200 calories or less. When I was inpatient (and continued the meal plan exactly as an outpatient), I ate the same foods every day for months. I didn't want to eat anything else. I didn't bake, I didn't obsess about food, I didn't read recipes for hours a day trying to find the perfect recipe for dinner. I didn't care. Same thing, every day. Just until I could get away from my hawk of a psychiatrist. But I was happier eating this way. I want it back - to not crave or obsess or think about what I want for my next meal, just to eat the same thing. I've changed some of the dairy for muesli bars and fruit, but that may change. Here's a comparison of the meal plans. (IP) was the meal plan when inpatient (that I continued at home), and (C) is my current. Everything on the old plan was full fat and full sugar - no diet drinks or skim milk or anything. And some things were ridiculous, like two slices of cheese in a sandwich, or using margarine and Vegemite/spreads, and way too much Vegemite at that (it's not something you have a lot of). Obviously, none of that bullshit here - and it makes a difference. Pretty much everything I eat is the lowest calorie version available, as far as I know.

(IP) Two slices of toast with margarine and Vegemite, Strawberry Yoghurt, Coffee-flavoured protein shake.
(C) Two slices of toast with Vegemite OR 3/4 sachet of WeightWise oats (with cinnamon & peaches), Cantaloupe half, Black Coffee.

Morning Tea
(IP) Vanilla Yoghurt
(C) Fruit (apple, kiwi or mandarin)

(IP) Egg, carrot & lettuce sandwich OR Toasted cheese & Vegemite sandwich, Lemonade*, Chocolate Forticreme (or chocolate custard at home)
(C) Cheese, carrot & lettuce sandwich OR Toasted cheese & Vegemite sandwich, Diet Lemonade, Vanilla yoghurt

Afternoon Tea
(IP) Chocolate Forticreme (or chocolate custard at home)
(C) Muesli bar (crunchy nut or chewy apple-fiber), 80-calorie Chocolate Snack Pack.

(IP) Larger portions with steamed vegetables (instead of salad), Lemonade
(C) 3-4oz chicken breast or hoki fillets, rice or potato (both ~160 cal portions), cos side salad, Coke Zero.

(IP) Vanilla Custard
(C) Special K bar, Vanilla custard with fruit (strawberries or peaches), Black coffee

*NOTE: From what I hear, 'lemonade' in Australia is nothing like overseas. Here, it's a clear bubbly soda that doesn't really taste like lemon, when you think about it (lemon-flavoured soda is 'squash'). No one makes real lemonade, from lemons, and we don't have powdered mixes for it either. Basically, here, lemonade = soda, and yes it comes in a 2-calorie version.

My current meal plan, obviously, averages 1,200 calories... I'm embarassed to say that my re-feeding plan was 3,000. All the dairy (full-fat custard, yoghurt, Forticreme & shakes) were 300 cals each (yoghurt was 200), soda was 150 for a small can... 60 calories of margarine for two slices of toast... I'm quite disgusted just thinking about it to be honest. 3,000 creeps up quickly with full-fat and full-sugar everything!

But when I ate it, food was fuel and a necessary evil. It made it very easy to restrict again, actually. The first day restricting I went straight back to under 200 calories, jelly cups and vegetable soup, and I was back under 50 a day by the end of the week. I'm not saying I'm going to do that any time soon, but I want to know that I still can, you know? I just want to prove to myself that I still have control and willpower. I want to get back to the point where I can spend 12 hours a day baking and cooking meals for my family, but never eat a bite. Again, not saying I will, but I want to know I still can. I don't know. I just feel so weak for eating... at least this way I might feel a touch less guilty. I still have supplement shakes sometimes if I don't get to 1,200 calories, but it's not every day anymore. My goal at the moment is metabolism repair, and consistency is a very important thing in that as I've learned.

 It is much easier if you eat the same every day. When I ate 50 every day, I lost consistently for months and never platued. It's when I start having high days and low days that my weight gets messed up... Even a few weeks ago, having 500 or 800 some days and 1,200 on others, I was gaining. My last two appointments with my dietician, I'd been eating 1,200 every day and had consistently lost weight (albeit insignificant...). But it's not gaining, you know? Consistency is the key at the moment - whether it's 200 or 2,000 - I need to be consistent. No more lows and highs. It worked for two weeks, and I'm hoping and praying that it has for these past two... It's Friday afternoon, and I'm seeing her again on Tuesday. Two weeks is nearly passed. Then it's another two week break. So I'm really hoping my weight's maintained or dropped, because if I've gained the next two weeks won't be fun...

Just as a side note... I watched Thin with mum yesterday. I've seen it at least 10 times, and read the book a few times too, and mum's been wanting to see it for a while. She thought it was a good doco, but obviously it's not exactly pleasant. But she liked it. She thought it was interesting to see 'so much of me' (my habits, behaviours, etc.) in other girls and how it presents in others. She actually wants to watch it again, and read the book. I'm quite stoked, because my ex-boyfriend hated it, but he hated everything and really never dealt with the fact I have an ED (let alone the fact he worsened it). But if I start rambling on him, then I'll never stop, and this post is already too long.

Hope you've all made it through the week okay, and have something pleasant waiting for you this weekend. Sorry for making such long and boring posts lately.



  1. Dear Bella, I've watched 'Thin' many times too. (I didn't know that there was a book, I'll have to check that out)
    I love it and I can really identify with Shelley as she also had a history of drug addiction.
    I was devastated when I hear that Polly had died, she was such a fighter and I wanted her to get better so much.
    But she was a rebel and I knew when she got kicked out that things would go badly for her.

    Best of luck with your new food plan.

    Love you x

  2. I think ive wanted every doc on youtube dozens of times. thin and dana the 8 year old anorexic are my faves. the bit in thin where the young girl is crying in group saying 'i dont want u to be mad, concerned, i just wanna die, i just wanna b thin' that gets me everytime its like im talking with her.

    Ur plan sounds good if it lessens anxiety just remember tho if it doesnt help u can always swap back yeah? And of course u still have it in u to survive on almost air alone, bt try not to if u can because ur already so tiny and i dont want to loseee youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

    rich coming from me whos trying to disappear bt i care about u and.nt about me so i hope u dont think its hypocritical of me to say. plus i keep binging and t is killing me. i used to weigh so much less and restrict. i need to get bk to some form of control. binge intakes are sending me close to the edge :-\ hope ur ok and i love each and everyone of ur comments so thank u xxx

  3. Wow, your plan sounds so great! I know what you mean. It's nice to know you can go back to less calories even if you don't actually do it. Whenever I go back to my under 100 calorie diet the first 3 days are usually the hardest for me and then after that it just get easier.

    I really want to read the book and see the movie! I've heard of it before but I'll probably just have to start with the book because my bf is super insane about making sure I dont get triggered by anything. But I still watch tv shows about weight all the time in secret.

    I hope all goes well! <3

  4. i just wanted to tell you how much ive enjoyed reading your blog and looking at all of the pics youve posted. youre a real inspiration to those of us with food and weight issues. id like to thank you for being so open and straight forward in your posting. feel free to stop by my page anytime :)