It's 32 degrees outside, and I'm sweating away in my dressing gown because I feel too fat to show myself right now. All my clothes make me look fat - I must've changed 10 times before resorting back to track pants. Everything is too much - I'm too much. My legs and hips seem to have doubled in size, I don't want anyone to see my stomach, and my arms are covered in flab. Everything is too much. I'm scaling my meal plan further and further back. Not on calories, just options. I have about four different dinner choices (fish, chicken, baked potato, caesar salad), and that's my most choice. I need less. Less choice, less guilt, less thought. I want to stop thinking about food so much - and the less choice I have, the less I need to think about it. Everything is too much.
Went to see my dietician yesterday, and got weighed. Maintained exactly - hooray. Another week on 1,200. She asked about a slow weight increase, but it was mostly just "you know what I'm going to say, and I know what you're going to say, so let's just leave it at that". Not happening. At the moment it's a fucking battle enough as it is to maintain. I feel like I'm eating way too much. At every meal, I'm convinced that I'm eating more than my mum or my brother, even though I know it's not true. I feel like I've gained a lot, even though I haven't gained at all. Everything is so overwhelming. I've been the same weight for so long, it's too 'normal' now, I think.
I'm still spending all of my time in bed, basically. I feel so damn lazy. I was generally pretty sedentary at home pre-ED, and never enjoyed physical activity or sports. But this year especially, my passion for fitness and running really came through. And I genuinely enjoy endurance running now, no matter what others may say. So I'm finding it hard to be so sedentary again. I still haven't gotten to a GP and my heart rate is still tachycardic. I just can't be bothered. I want to start running again in the new year, though, and I hope my heart rate's settled by then.
Speaking of the new year, I'm giving myself an 'exit' in two months time. If I still feel fat and unhappy after 6 months of eating 800-1,200 cals (potentially more by then), I'll throw in the towel and let myself go back to restricting and losing weight. It feels fucking pathetic, but I need to have something planned. At the moment I'm just floating in an awkward zone, and I hate it. At least this way, I know where I'm headed.