Friday, 19 October 2012

Every bite is a battle

I had breakfast yesterday, after 12 days on liquids. Unfortunately I didn't get much further than that. I had a slice of grain & seed toast with Vegemite, and a bowl of sliced peaches (pictured). Grand total of 97 calories. The rest of the day didn't go as planned, and I only had two Ensures apart from breakfast. But I'm trying again today.

I had the same for breakfast this morning, and am planning on oatmeal with peaches for lunch, and a bowl of soup and peaches w/ custard for dinner tonight. Toast is very tiring to eat at the moment. 20-25 minutes and 4 cups of coffee later, I'm through my toast and dreading the peaches. My jaw feels tired from chewing so much. My meals come to around 500 calories total, with three Ensures at snack-times, for 1,200 total. I really need to get to 1,200 a day before I see my dietician on Tuesday. In the last two weeks, I've gotten to 1,200 on maybe four days, usually dipping below 800 and yesterday was about 550. My metabolism is going to get fucked again, and I'm going to gain weight. It's usually the weeks that I restrict that I gain, and when I go back to 1,200 it goes back down.

I'm still so tired all the time, and it takes me so long to do anything. Mum's helping out with food prep, but I really have a hard time dealing with the guilt of other people preparing my food. No, I don't think she's going to pour half a cup of oil into my oats or anything like that, I just don't feel comfortable asking for help. If I'm too lazy to make food, I shouldn't be eating it, obviously. So a lot of yesterday was panic attacks related to this, crying and smoking and sleeping. It was probably also one of my worst days for self-harm in the past few weeks, at least. I hit my head so much that it hurt to lie down last night, and I scratched my arm to shreds, tearing open years old scars. I haven't actually cut in at least a year - I'm too scared of tendons, mostly. But lately I've really been craving to cut, not hit or scratch or burn or bash. This is probably the closest I can get, and less damaging than hitting my head, so I've been scratching a lot. I really only change how I self harm when what I'm doing becomes too dangerous, and I'm kinda concerned about brain damage from bashing my head so much in the past year.

I hope everyone's had a good week, and looking forward to the weekend. Sorry I've been so absent lately - I'm usually too tired to bother trying to write a post, or just don't have a single positive thing to write about. 



  1. Honey, I'm glad you finally ate something :) I'm sure your mum doesn't mind making you food, probably quite the opposite if it's going to help you eat. You're not too lazy to make it, you're too tired because you're sick. Please don't think you're lazy and shouldn't be having it. xx

  2. I'm so glad you managed to eat something dear Bella, try to keep your strength up. Although I know it's futile to say that in the face of this illness.

    Thinking of you today,

    Sending you hope, faith, courage and a hug x

  3. I'm so so glad you managed to eat something solid. I actually got tears in my eyes when I read that, I'm so proud of you.

    I wish I could help you with the self harm and anxieties. I love you and care about you so much, it's not fair that you're suffering.