Sunday, 21 October 2012

Things are feeling a little better this morning. There's only two more days until I see my dietician, and have regular weekly appointments again, so I'm hoping that'll help. I'm still having one or two Ensures a day, but managing 7-800 cal of soft and solid foods. Chewing is getting easier, and I am very much looking forward to chowing into some apples and salad today. I still feel horribly guilty for eating this much, for so many reasons, but I'm pushing through it when I can. I know I need to get my control back. And so I've devised a meal plan to work towards, basically the same as I was eating before I went on liquids, and I'm adding in different parts slowly.

For the last couple of days I've been eating a slice of toast with some peaches on the side for breakfast, oatmeal with peaches for lunch, and soup for dinner (with peaches and custard for dessert), which came to about 500 calories total, plus three Ensures (total of 1,200). Yes, I've been eating a lot of peaches. Weight Watcher's have a line of canned fruit, packed in artificially sweetened water, so there's no added sugar/calories. And with being reluctant to eat 'hard' foods or chew too much in the last few days, but wanting to keep my fruit intake up, I've gone through about 5 cans of peaches.

Today, I'm trying to work in some snacks this afternoon, and apple and a yoghurt or maybe a muesli bar, and also bigger meals. I had my oatmeal for breakfast, and mum's grating carrots as we speak to make me a salad sandwich for lunch. I've also got a hoki fillet defrosting in the fridge, and I'm gonna try some hot dinners. I've also made a resolution to try to have at least five different dinners a week, instead of two or three (usually healthy fish & chips or teriyaki chicken breast & rice, both with salad). Baked potatoes are making a glorious return to my meal plan, as are full Caesar salads, both of which I've always loved. I'm actually kinda looking forward to eating again at the moment, which is nice.

Still throwing shit fits a couple of times a day. Usually not until 3-4 in the afternoon though, at least, which is better than 7am. I'm just really hanging for Tuesday to get here. Then I'll know what my weight's doing, get some outside support, hopefully be off Ensures completely, and get back on track. However, I'm dreading the fact that my intake will probably go up. I've been on 1,200 for maybe a month and a half now, and eaten it consistently for a month (apart from the last week or two being a little low). I've lost weight every week for that month. Two weeks ago at my last appointment, we were going to put my intake up but decided to postpone it until I was back to regular weekly appointments. I'm just dreading eating more than 1,200 every day. 1,300 calories, 1,400 calories... seven days a week... how fucking scary does that sound? I guess it's just another barrier, like eating over 1,000 calories was (I was stuck on 999 for ages). But obviously 1,200 isn't enough to maintain, so I need to up it a little more. I'll see how it goes, and try to go with the flow. Two more days.



  1. I'm so very glad dear Bella that you are managing to eat a little more, I was worried for you.

    I am also trying something different and trying to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with no purging.
    Day 2 to day and I'm trying hard to get back some control in my life.

    Best of luck with your appointments

    All my love x

  2. I'm so sorry I haven't posted a comment in so long. I have just caught up with all of your posts and you are so amazing! I am so happy for you that you are doing better. I was really worried about you for a while.

    So good to be back :) Take care sweetie <3