Monday, 15 October 2012

Spent yesterday and the night before debating myself over whether Vanilla Ensure or Coffee Ensure is 'safer'. It never ends. Nothing is safe. Settled on Vanilla because I don't have to ask myself "Do I want to add coffee, or do I want vanilla?" I don't want anything. So I breakdown and cry instead.

So, yes, more Ensure. Still not quite getting my calories in. Yesterday I ran out of powder, so there's one excuse. Trying to get them all in tomorrow. My time is either spent crying, sleeping, smoking and promptly falling asleep, or drinking Ensure. Crying is definitely the most common. Tomorrow is ten days since this downward spiral took a nosedive. One night (Friday, I think) I had 1/2 cup of pasta with my family and some dry crackers, and the next day I had two single-serve tubs of yoghurt before I couldn't handle it any more. Apart from that... Ensure.

I don't have control any more. Anorexia is in full control and it scares me. Normally I still have some say, I still have some control over my eating... but every now and then it just washes over me. And I can't do a damn thing about it.

Last November I didn't eat for two weeks, and only drank one weak black coffee and one Coke Zero Vanilla a day because I was too scared to eat anything. I lost a lot of weight and ended up in Accident & Emergency with blood sugars of 2.2, and I didn't even have to sit down before I was shown to a bed. I still didn't eat, and was constantly on glucose drip. I tried to eat, and ended up stuck on minuscule precisely-weighed steamed cauliflower with 1/2 tsp gravy on top, under 30 calories a day, but 'it's still something' I'd say. I went home after about a week, and went back six days later in a worse condition (this time, my blood pressure was also dangerously low). I was a complete wreck. I'd been smoking synthetics all day, the last time I touched them, and was completely irrational and panicked and out-of-it. I was slapped with an ITO (Involuntary Treatment Order/Sectioning), and I had four bags of IV dripping into me at once (the only thing keeping me out of the psychiatric ward was that they don't allow IVs etc). I was headed back to the Eating Disorder Unit, 90 minutes away. I started to eat, trying to eat my way out before I got there. Then, a miracle. Basically, the psych forgot to organize a review within 24 hours, and I was in 'legal limbo' for a week while they figured out their legal responsibilities. And it lapsed. He sat opposite me, telling me that it had lapsed, I wasn't sectioned, that it had disappeared, and I asked "what do I do now?". He just shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know". So I left Against Medical Advice and came home. I started to drop weight again immediately, obviously. But somehow, I ended up here, maintaining and bring my intake back to a healthier level so I could avoid hospital.

But where am I now? I don't need any medical help, like I did last year. I will not go to a psych ward, nor the EDU. Mum keeps saying I should go to A&E, but I keep telling her that I don't need to be in a medical ward and I refuse go into a psychiatric ward. She's not so sure I don't need medical help. But I don't. I don't need IVs or anything like that. Maybe blood tests, but nothing to keep me out of psychiatric. And then there's the issue of the psychiatrist there. It's an instant "STOP" sign. You all know the story, the damaging things he said that still stick with me. It's not worth it. And I won't see a psych to get a private referral, because then I'm definitely headed to the EDU and weight gain and outpatient and... no. Just no. It's all a moot point anyway, because I don't need any medical help and I don't want any psychiatric help.

It's not fair that I'm still here. I'm so tired of it. I'm so fucking tired of it.


  1. Sweetheart, I'm not sure what to say. I love you, I'm worried for you, but there is no point pushing you to go into anywhere where you are going to feel more trapped and get nothing out of it, you know? Plus you are your own person, we can't make you do anything you dont want to do.
    Is there anyway you could convince yourself that ensure is safe because it is medicine to keep you out of psych ward? I know that is probably a huge ask, but i just wondered if you could manipulate your head into putting it on the safe list, because it is keeping you safe and free?

    love you, hold on as long as you can, we love you here xxx

  2. Dear Bella, I don't know what to say anymore, words just aren't enough. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and wrap you in a hug and never let go.
    Try your best to hold on, I am trying to
    I know that this is shit hard, I feel like I am going bat-shit crazy.

    Know that you can beat this,
    Know that I love you
    Know that I am thinking of you today x

  3. Darling, I wish there was something I could do to help you. It's really scaring me how quickly all this has escalated again, it's breaking my heart. I wish wish wish there was anything I could do to help you.
    Please stay strong and don't give up. Love you so much, please take care.