Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Things are spiralling downward. I'm falling fast. I'm losing control.

I couldn't even bring myself to have a yoghurt drink yesterday. I broke down in tears. Things like this always escalate quickly. Yesterday I had 1,350ml supplements and a 250ml juice. I keep crying. Mum keeps crying. I can't bring myself to put food in my mouth. I had a 250ml supplement this morning, and mum went to buy Sustagen. Both the Vanilla and Neutral make me gag (I tried making them both with water, and then skim milk). I made 15 different combinations with different flavourings. They all got spit straight back out. I made one with a lot of Milo and only two scoops of Neutral Sustagen, and that was drinkable. But it took me nearly an hour to get down the 304 cal glass. Too filling, too rich, toomuchtoomuchtoomuch. I'm a little over 500 cals so far today, and it's nearly 5PM. I can't do it. I don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

Mum's gone back down to the chemist, trying to find something more palatable. Potentially Ensure. Don't know. There's not a hell of a lot available that's a complete supplement. Oh - she just called then. They can order in tetra packs or cans, but they don't know what the difference is. FFS. They have a tin of powder, so mum's gonna bring me some yummy Ensure for dinner. I keep telling her not to worry, it's not worth it, it's too much, I'm not worth it, I don't want it. I just want to fade off into the distance.

I feel like I've given up. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. My dietician will start talking to my mum about psychs, the ED outpatient service, treatment, weight gain, recovery... and I just tune out. I stare at the bathroom scales on the other side of her office, and just tune out. Its like I'm not even there. I don't want any of it. I can't do it anymore. I'm just waiting to die.


  1. Dearest Bella, I worry so much reading this but yet I can identify so much.
    I wish I could do something to help instead of just typing some words.
    Please try to hold on, I know we are both holding on by our fingernails but please try.

    Sending you hope, faith, courage and s hug

    Love you x

  2. I understand the zoning out, and I understand the waiting to die, I don't know what to say that won't sound hypocritical, so I will tell you this: I love you and I wish you could find some strength to keep on going but i understand how difficult it is, maybe think of the threat of inpatient and use it to keep going? maybe try and have some juice or something smoothie, anything, i know its hard, and i know it feels impossible, but you can do it, i know you can xx

  3. I tried making smoothies, but it seems too food-like :( I'm gonna try some more juice today though because 5 ensures doesn't sound so great (though they're a million times better than sustagen). I'm just really finding it hard to put anything in my mouth :( Under 800 yesterday. I'm trying to use my mum as motivation to keep going, but I'm just so tired of everything. I hate seeing her this upset. The first thing she said to me this morning, just now, was "I'm really glad to see you" and then she cried :( my mum very rarely cried before recently, but it's getting more common. Especially not this early in the morning. I'm gonna try for 1,200 today, but I really just don't wanna eat.

  4. youre gonna do just fine girly. youre strong and youre smart. maybe try slim fast shakes? they have about as many cals in them as an ensure, and all of the vitamins and good stuff too. the cappuccino ones are the most delicious i think. a little less thick, and a little less...medicinal tasting. ensure has a funny vitamin taste, and the cappuccino slim fast shakes hide that taste a little better. your smoothie was delicious btw, i made one this morning and im thinking it could be a daily breakfast.

    keep posting,
    stay strong, its always worth fighting for.
    daisy <3

    1. Hi, thanks for stopping by :) I looked at other shakes like that to start with (I was drinking Up & Go which is similar to SlimFast), and while they have some vitamins and other micronutrients, they definetely don't have everything you need - they're meant to be used as a supplement to healthy food. Sustagen Hospital Formula and Ensure are nutritionally complete. SlimFast and similar shakes have a very different breakdown of carbohydrates/proteins/fats, which aren't long-term sustainable as sole source nutrition. For supplementing a healthy diet, yes, but not for the only source of nutrition. And they don't have all the essential micronutrients (vitamins, minerals, electrolytes etc. that your body can't produce). Sustagen Hospital Formula and Ensure you can use for sole-source nutrition (usually under medical supervision) because they are formulated to give you absolutely everything you need, where as SlimFast and other shakes are meant to be used in conjunction with actual food. I'm gonna try the latte and strawberry flavour Ensures, though :)

      Glad you liked the smoothie :) Thanks for following.

  5. Please don't give up hope. You've come so far and achieved so much. You can do it. Please please keep fighting.
    Love you, take care.