Things are spiralling downward. I'm falling fast. I'm losing control.
I couldn't even bring myself to have a yoghurt drink yesterday. I broke down in tears. Things like this always escalate quickly. Yesterday I had 1,350ml supplements and a 250ml juice. I keep crying. Mum keeps crying. I can't bring myself to put food in my mouth. I had a 250ml supplement this morning, and mum went to buy Sustagen. Both the Vanilla and Neutral make me gag (I tried making them both with water, and then skim milk). I made 15 different combinations with different flavourings. They all got spit straight back out. I made one with a lot of Milo and only two scoops of Neutral Sustagen, and that was drinkable. But it took me nearly an hour to get down the 304 cal glass. Too filling, too rich, toomuchtoomuchtoomuch. I'm a little over 500 cals so far today, and it's nearly 5PM. I can't do it. I don't have the energy to fight this anymore.
Mum's gone back down to the chemist, trying to find something more palatable. Potentially Ensure. Don't know. There's not a hell of a lot available that's a complete supplement. Oh - she just called then. They can order in tetra packs or cans, but they don't know what the difference is. FFS. They have a tin of powder, so mum's gonna bring me some yummy Ensure for dinner. I keep telling her not to worry, it's not worth it, it's too much, I'm not worth it, I don't want it. I just want to fade off into the distance.
I feel like I've given up. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. My dietician will start talking to my mum about psychs, the ED outpatient service, treatment, weight gain, recovery... and I just tune out. I stare at the bathroom scales on the other side of her office, and just tune out. Its like I'm not even there. I don't want any of it. I can't do it anymore. I'm just waiting to die.