Friday, 12 October 2012

I had Restavit last night for the first time in months. I slept 8-9 hours. It was lovely.

Mum wants me to let her call someone (I can't talk on the phone. I never have). My old psych, mental health triage, ED Services, a GP, anyone, to ask for help. I just cry, and say that there's no point. My intake's fine (mostly) and I'm not in immediate risk. I don't want to recover and I don't want to gain weight. She held me last night as I cried, and she said she could feel every bone in my back. I don't normally let people touch me, so it's a very rare occurrence. Sitting on the back porch later, she said "It's one thing to see you this underweight, but to feel your bones..." Another day filled with tears.

I was making my Ensures this morning and just sadly stared at my fruit bowl. My Golden Delicious apples look so ripe. I cried. I just can't bring myself to put food in my mouth. It's been nearly a week. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I'm not going to cancel my appointment with my dietician, but I'm utterly, utterly dreading it. She's going to be so disappointed in me. I feel ashamed. I'm doing the best I can but I know it's not good enough. Mum really wants me to see at least a GP before then, but I just don't see the point. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight this any more. I don't want to end up in hospital, but I don't think I will. My sugar levels are still holding because I'm getting enough carbs. My blood pressure's in the normal range, and has no reason not to be. Yes, my heart rate's still ~140 resting, but I dealt with that for most of last year and it's never been a reason to take me to A&E (Accident & Emergency). So I'm fine.

I'm just not eating.

P.S, I just updated my stats on the side with conversions to pounds and BMIs. The fact that I'm naturally BMI 17.5-19.0 (100% effortlessly maintained for years, until I got sick) I still find hard to believe.


  1. Dearest Bella, I am so, so worried for you.
    Please consider getting help, I don't want you to get any worse. Please, you don't want to live or die like this, not like this.

    Sending you all my love x

    1. Thank you for your comments ruby. I know I've been failing at replying, but you know your support means the world to me <3

      I'm struggling to see the point in asking for help, mostly because I don't know what help I'd need (apart from the psych stuff, that I'm avoiding like the plague). I'm going to try to go back and see a GP to get my obs done before I see my dietician again, but I'll see how the next week goes. I had a little bit of pasta before, but it was too much too soon after 6 days of liquids. I can't handle it right now. I'm going to try to start with some yoghurt tomorrow though, and try to work other foods on slowly. Kinda like a reverse of the past week I guess.

      Love you xxxx

  2. Your dietician isnt going to be disappointed, shes going to be concerned which is different but still hard to take or believe. could you juice the apples maybe? Or is that too hard as well? Oh sweetheart, when are you seeing the dietician? Xxx