Thursday, 11 October 2012

"I'm so glad to see you"
That was the first thing my mum said to me this morning, shortly before she started crying. She keeps crying. I keep crying. I've given up hope. I'm too tired to fight this any more. I struggled my way through three shakes yesterday, but couldn't even get to 800 cals. I have just lost the will to live. I don't know why I'm still here. Mum keeps saying that I've gotta stick around, that I have to keep fighting. I don't see why. I feel like I'm not going to be here much longer, that surely my body has to give up soon.

I don't get out of bed much at the moment. Maybe two or three hours out of the whole day. I try to get at least one nap a day, more if I can help it. I'm tired all the time at the moment. I spend a few minutes on my feet, and I'm puffed and my heart's pounding out of my chest. I don't even know how I got to this point. Mum wants me to go back to see the GP, get my blood test done, something, anything. I just cry, saying that there's no point. I just don't have the energy to fight it any more.

It's 5 days since I last ate actual food. 3-4 days (?) since my last yoghurt. Since then I've been surviving on nutritional shakes. Surprisingly enough, Ensure is the most pleasant tasting. I made 12 different batches of Sustagen (sold as Boost overseas) yesterday, with different combinations of vanilla and neutral powder, milk or water, and different flavourings, and they all got spit straight into the sink. Even the smell of that stuff makes me gag. It's tolerable with milk and lots of Milo to cover the taste, but far too rich to drink comfortably. So now I'm settled on Ensure. Meaning that mum has been running around frantic for days, trying to find something suitable. Meaning that I now have 1.3kg of Vanilla Ensure powder sitting in my kitchen (approx. 5,589 cals worth). Not to mention 900g of Vanilla Sustagen and 900g of Neutral Sustagen. Thank god my Great Uncle drinks the stuff, it's not just money down the drain. Last time I visited, my Great Aunt asked him "Tea, or Sustagen?" when she was making coffee. I thought it was cute.

So here I am. In bed. Freezing. I'm colder lately than I've ever been before. No amount of layers of clothing or blankets or electric blankets keep me warm. I'm drinking a lot of coffee to keep me warm. Currently I'm looking at 5 serves of Ensure - 230ml/230cal each - for a total of 1,150ml/cal. It's midday and I've had one so far. Four to go, in the next six or so hours before I call the day 'done'. Mum wants to get me Ensure Plus instead, so it's only three serves. Five days ago, I didn't want to put solid food in my mouth any more. Currently I'm losing motivation to put anything in. I just don't have the will to keep going. I'm dreading seeing my dietician again in two weeks. When I saw her on Tuesday, I'd been on liquids since Saturday night. I didn't tell her. I just kept it to the good points - that I'd been having 1,200 calories every day. What the hell am I going to say now? I don't even think I should go. I don't want any of this any more. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm just waiting to die.


  1. I am so sorry to hear that. Your mom must love you so so much. It seams she is tryibg to do everythign she can to help you in any way. I don't want you to die. You are too good a person to leave thsi world. There are too many awful people here and without you we would all miss you so much. No mother should have to watch her child die.

    I'm sending all my love and energy your way sweetie. Stay strong beautiful, you can beat this. <3

    1. I know she loves me, and I feel horrible for doing this to her :( I feel so selfish, I just want to disappear. She's gone to visit my great aunt (her mother's sister - my mum lost both her parents when she was a teenager), tissues in hand. She sounded upset when she was on the phone, and normally she tries to avoid calling my great aunt when she's upset because she doesn't want her to worry. I just feel like such a horrible person, so selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone but it's all i seem to do, but I just want everything to be over.

      Thanks for the support hun <3 I've been trying so hard, but I'm just running out of energy to fight anymore :( xx

  2. Sweetheart, little sweetheart.
    You're not selfish, you're hurting a hell of a lot.
    You know how you told me not to cancel on Clare, right back at you with the dietician.
    I know it must feel impossible, I know you want to die, one think that Jacki said to me, while crying, was:
    "I wouldn't want to make you suffer this hell if I didn't think for one tiny moment that you could live happily, calmely, after all this".

    If you can make it through, you are going to come out shining and strong.

    You might not feel it at all, you probably feel the opposite right now, but you are sweety, you're stronger than you know because you're still here despite the amount you might with otherwise.

    I really dont know what we should do. I know our situations are different but the feelings quite similar.

    Do you think your mum would force you to impatient/ get a section if things got really really really dangerous? does that frighten you?

    love you little gem

    1. My mum can take me to the emergency room or call an ambulance, and the psychiatrist there would section me. So far I've only been taken to emergency if my blood sugars are in the 2s or my blood pressure is dangerously low, so I'm trying to keep things like that stable with the ensures. I just want to 'stop'. Surely at some point my body just has to give up. Everyone says that my body will just stop one day, and I've never believed them, but now I feel like it will. The first time I was sectioned, the psych told a horror story of how one of his patients just 'stopped', mid-sentence during an appointment, and she was gone. If I just suddenly stop, no one will have the chance to save me. I feel so horrible and I can't stop crying. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to run off like a dog and die, so no one has to watch. I just can't deal with this anymore :(

      Love you sweetie. Sorry I've been such a downer lately :( xx

    2. I'm hardley the joy of all joys either so you don't have to worry little bella - I love you no matter if you are happy or sad (obviously i'd prefer if you were happy but you know what i mean). I'll love you if you comment or don't comment, if you hurt yourself or recover. It's unconditional. So please don't feel like you need to apologise, I just wish I could make you want to carry on, but I'm struggling with that myself. all i can say is im here when and if you want to write. and im sending you all the stars i have left xxx

  3. Dearest Bella, It's so very hard to read this.
    You are so fragile right now so I'm choosing my words carefully. I know you might not feel it but you are stronger than you know, you have been through so much, too much in your short life and that is testament to how strong you are. I used to think that surrendering to this illness was the easy option but it's not it's the harder option I think now.
    Remember that post you did about all you r hobbies, I loved that post and I'm sure you miss all those and all your friends.
    Most days I want to die too but sweetie please try to hold on. Find something, anything and hold on too that, I am holding on to my dogs, as silly as that sounds I can't leave them, they would be heartbroken if I died.

    Love you always,

    Sending you love and and a hug from half a world away x

  4. I love you and care about you so much.
    Please don't give up hope, take care of yourself please.