"I'm so glad to see you"That was the first thing my mum said to me this morning, shortly before she started crying. She keeps crying. I keep crying. I've given up hope. I'm too tired to fight this any more. I struggled my way through three shakes yesterday, but couldn't even get to 800 cals. I have just lost the will to live. I don't know why I'm still here. Mum keeps saying that I've gotta stick around, that I have to keep fighting. I don't see why. I feel like I'm not going to be here much longer, that surely my body has to give up soon.
I don't get out of bed much at the moment. Maybe two or three hours out of the whole day. I try to get at least one nap a day, more if I can help it. I'm tired all the time at the moment. I spend a few minutes on my feet, and I'm puffed and my heart's pounding out of my chest. I don't even know how I got to this point. Mum wants me to go back to see the GP, get my blood test done, something, anything. I just cry, saying that there's no point. I just don't have the energy to fight it any more.
It's 5 days since I last ate actual food. 3-4 days (?) since my last yoghurt. Since then I've been surviving on nutritional shakes. Surprisingly enough, Ensure is the most pleasant tasting. I made 12 different batches of Sustagen (sold as Boost overseas) yesterday, with different combinations of vanilla and neutral powder, milk or water, and different flavourings, and they all got spit straight into the sink. Even the smell of that stuff makes me gag. It's tolerable with milk and lots of Milo to cover the taste, but far too rich to drink comfortably. So now I'm settled on Ensure. Meaning that mum has been running around frantic for days, trying to find something suitable. Meaning that I now have 1.3kg of Vanilla Ensure powder sitting in my kitchen (approx. 5,589 cals worth). Not to mention 900g of Vanilla Sustagen and 900g of Neutral Sustagen. Thank god my Great Uncle drinks the stuff, it's not just money down the drain. Last time I visited, my Great Aunt asked him "Tea, or Sustagen?" when she was making coffee. I thought it was cute.
So here I am. In bed. Freezing. I'm colder lately than I've ever been before. No amount of layers of clothing or blankets or electric blankets keep me warm. I'm drinking a lot of coffee to keep me warm. Currently I'm looking at 5 serves of Ensure - 230ml/230cal each - for a total of 1,150ml/cal. It's midday and I've had one so far. Four to go, in the next six or so hours before I call the day 'done'. Mum wants to get me Ensure Plus instead, so it's only three serves. Five days ago, I didn't want to put solid food in my mouth any more. Currently I'm losing motivation to put anything in. I just don't have the will to keep going. I'm dreading seeing my dietician again in two weeks. When I saw her on Tuesday, I'd been on liquids since Saturday night. I didn't tell her. I just kept it to the good points - that I'd been having 1,200 calories every day. What the hell am I going to say now? I don't even think I should go. I don't want any of this any more. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm just waiting to die.