Sunday 23 September 2012

Crying to my mum. She was yelling at me. My brother burst in and told me 'maybe some time in the fucking Swanston center will calm you down you fucking loon' (that ward is always the threat). I need to get out of here, and then I will die. I knew he hated me. No one wants me aroubd. Heart rate 170. Intake 250 cal by 4pm.

Hand me a knife, please.

Mum doesn't even understand why this has hurt me so much. This is the straw that broke the cow's back. I'll be dead by new year. JB was right - my family are tired of me and want me gone. They're leaving me. mum needs space away from me a lot more than she ever has before. I don't plan on leaving my room or eating much in the foreseeable future. I just can't even.. I can't stop crying. I can't do this. I just need this to be over.

EDIT: Thanks so much for your comments guys. I had a chat with mum before and things are a little calmer. Still not sure how this weeks gonna go for intake, but I guess I'll post again after seeing my dietician and getting weighed
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6 comments:

  1. Persephone Paix23 September 2012 at 16:58

    where are you moving out too, sweetie? are you seeing the dietician on mon? im worried about you. i want to die so much too but hold on if you can, i love you okay we are here for you xxxxxx

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  2. Bella23 September 2012 at 17:10

    I don't know. Wherever I can die in peace. Probably not too far away for simplicity's sake. I'm seeing her Tuesday (it's Sunday 5pm here) but then I don't have any appointments for a month. Mum thinks I'll be able to be squeezed in after two weeks, but I don't know. I don't know if I can hold on that long when I feel so dead inside right now :( I feel so alone. I've seen one friend, two times, in four months, and now she won't talk to me. My mum needs space so much that it's better if I'm just gone, my brother hates me, and I just want to die :( I wish we could give each other a great big hug and cry to each other right now. Love you xx

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    Replies
    1. Persephone Paix23 September 2012 at 17:58

      oh sweetheart, now im crying again. for ages i just imagined this magical place where you could paint and draw and drink diet coke and water and get hugs while dying. no interventions. no nothing unles something came along and offered something better. i really understand. all ill say is i would cry and miss you if you left us. im the samewith friends - that is whyi am falling apart now i have to stop seeing my counsellor. she has been the nearest thing to a friend i have had for 3 and a half years and im losing her too. i feel like im losing everything good in this life. you mum might want or need space, but im sure she would prefer to not have it if it meant keeping you. i swear youd get the biggest hug in the world from me and i would be one friend you could never push away. love xxxx

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  3. Ruby Tuesday23 September 2012 at 17:48

    Dear Bella, my heart breaks for you
    I spent this weekend crying too
    I just couldn't stop
    I know what I need to do to get well but I just can't seem to do it
    Suicide seems like a good idea but I can't do that to my family

    Please hold Bella
    I will if you will
    Love you x

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  4. Lara23 September 2012 at 21:15

    Brothers are jerks. I have a brother who hates me, and for no reason. God I wish I live near you, so I could invite you and offer a room in my apartment. It breaks my heart that you have no one, who understands you and supports you. Try to be strong..

    sending you some virtual hugs and support

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