It's 32 degrees outside, and I'm sweating away in my dressing gown because I feel too fat to show myself right now. All my clothes make me look fat - I must've changed 10 times before resorting back to track pants. Everything is too much - I'm too much. My legs and hips seem to have doubled in size, I don't want anyone to see my stomach, and my arms are covered in flab. Everything is too much. I'm scaling my meal plan further and further back. Not on calories, just options. I have about four different dinner choices (fish, chicken, baked potato, caesar salad), and that's my most choice. I need less. Less choice, less guilt, less thought. I want to stop thinking about food so much - and the less choice I have, the less I need to think about it. Everything is too much.

Went to see my dietician yesterday, and got weighed. Maintained exactly - hooray. Another week on 1,200. She asked about a slow weight increase, but it was mostly just "you know what I'm going to say, and I know what you're going to say, so let's just leave it at that". Not happening. At the moment it's a fucking battle enough as it is to maintain. I feel like I'm eating way too much. At every meal, I'm convinced that I'm eating more than my mum or my brother, even though I know it's not true. I feel like I've gained a lot, even though I haven't gained at all. Everything is so overwhelming. I've been the same weight for so long, it's too 'normal' now, I think.

I'm still spending all of my time in bed, basically. I feel so damn lazy. I was generally pretty sedentary at home pre-ED, and never enjoyed physical activity or sports. But this year especially, my passion for fitness and running really came through. And I genuinely enjoy endurance running now, no matter what others may say. So I'm finding it hard to be so sedentary again. I still haven't gotten to a GP and my heart rate is still tachycardic. I just can't be bothered. I want to start running again in the new year, though, and I hope my heart rate's settled by then.

Speaking of the new year, I'm giving myself an 'exit' in two months time. If I still feel fat and unhappy after 6 months of eating 800-1,200 cals (potentially more by then), I'll throw in the towel and let myself go back to restricting and losing weight. It feels fucking pathetic, but I need to have something planned. At the moment I'm just floating in an awkward zone, and I hate it. At least this way, I know where I'm headed.

I can't believe it's Sunday already. The week's flown. Time flies when you're not doing much. My great achievement for this week, is having created an elaborate 8-page meal plan, with every option for things I can eat, and all the calories, and all the weights and details of what I eat. The big reason I made this, is because mum is still helping out, preparing most of my food, so this is a handy reference.

 I have a few options - but not too many - for each meal and snack, and the second half is all the details and serving sizes and weights for the food. It brings me out between 1,058-1,255 depending on what I choose, and it's all food I'm comfortable with. Huzzah. I've been off Ensure for nearly a week now, but I really haven't been that motivated to eat still. But now I've got my meal plan done, I can at least avoid all 'outside' options for a while yet and not have to worry about choices. Obviously, being 8 pages, I won't post it all here. But I've mostly been eating oatmeal with fruit, salad sandwiches and small serves of salad/lean protein/starch for meals, and snacks have been fruit, yoghurt, lots of peaches & custard, rice cakes and the occasional muesli bar. And I think I'm okay with most of it.

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to stick with this, before it all comes crashing down. The voice is banging in my head louder and louder, to stop eating, to lose more weight, to throw it all away. I feel so guilty for everything I eat. I'm still in bed most of the day. I did some light cleaning the other day, and I'm still aching from it. I feel like such a fat, lazy slob. I'm too fat to be sick. I just want to run and run and run until my heart goes *ping*.

Still having anxiety attacks a couple of times a day. I think I had nearly two days without one at some point, but yeah, not lately *sigh* I really can't believe it's Sunday already. Time is just disappearing. And I'm just sitting here being a lardass. I need to run, I need to eat less, I need to get this fucking weight off. I feel so weak. No self control. I just want to cry. Why the hell did I start eating again when I was going so well? Ugh. I need to get my shit together. My head is just a constant battleground.

I saw my dietician yesterday, after another two-week break. I'd been dreading the appointment the whole time, and the day before my appointment had been my first day without Ensure for nearly three weeks. There was a lot to fill her in on.

When we got there, I just stared at the floor. I don't think I made eye contact the whole time. My dietician came to collect us from the waiting room, and she took me straight to the scales. When I first started seeing her, she would always weigh me, then we'd go back to her office and she'd check the computer to see how my weight had changed. Now, she actually checks my weight before she weighs me, and the second I step on she tells me whether I've gained or lost. "You're exactly the same". At least I didn't gain. When I'm inconsistent with my intake, I usually gain.

Walking back to her office, she said that I must be relieved, and I just blurted out "...except that I hardly ate for two weeks...". Stare at the floor, sit down, stare at my lap, and the conversation turns to a frenzy between my dietician and my mum. My thighs look so much wider, I swear they do. Mum filled her in on that I'd been drinking Ensure and told her how the past few weeks had been. I barely said two words the whole time. "...but everything was going so well last time I saw you.", she'll say, "she'd been on Ensure for four days by then", says mum. She asked me what triggered it, why I'd gone to liquids when it'd not been a problem before, why I hadn't been eating. All I could say is "I just had a hard few weeks, I just didn't want to eat"

She said that she was worried about me, and asked me to call her later in the day if I had anything to ask or talk about, that she'd be there until 6pm. I didn't. She also offered for me to come in and see her on Thursday, but again I don't think I will.  She asked about the GP, if I'd seen her, and mum told her about the anxiety attack. I feel like I'm a failure at anything, just a disappointment. I just sat there holding my head in my hands, crying, staring at the floor, silent. Though I think I did well to stay for the whole appointment, even if I didn't say much, because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't even know what to say any more.

I realised the other day, that I've maintained between 41-48kg for over 12 months now. That's a long time I have a BMI of 12-14. Obviously I wish I was closer to 41kg (I'm about 46kg now), but it's still a huge achievement to get that low and maintain under 50kg for over a year. I'm actually kinda glad I 'threw in the towel' with losing more weight, because this is a lot more sustainable I guess. I do want to lose more at some stage, down to at least 40kg, but I know it's not the right time to do that now. I feel like if I'm eating food, then I should be running. The only problem is that I barely have the energy to move. I feel so weak, so exhausted all the time. I can barely breathe and my heart still pounds at 140+ bpm. I just want to starve and run, but at the moment I don't feel I can do either. How much longer will I play this little game, until I crack and throw it all away?

I've spent a little time in the kitchen the past couple of days, just doing little chores, but I am so exhausted. I walk so slowly and unsteadily at the moment, and I'm exhausted and my heart's racing after only a few minutes on my feet. Today I'm back in bed. I'm working on a nicely formatted meal plan to print out, so mum doesn't need to keep checking how many grams of ____ I want and things like that. I feel so, so lazy. Surely I shouldn't be feeling this bad on 1,200 calories, and it's just sheer laziness keeping me bedridden. I just have such a hard time dealing with it right now. Dealing with anything, really. I haven't self harmed in two days though, which is good. For now, I'm going to get working on my meal plan to try and keep myself distracted this morning.

I hope everyone's having a good week - thank you to all who've commented, and sorry I'm so slack with replying and commenting. You guys mean the world to me <3


xxBella

Things are feeling a little better this morning. There's only two more days until I see my dietician, and have regular weekly appointments again, so I'm hoping that'll help. I'm still having one or two Ensures a day, but managing 7-800 cal of soft and solid foods. Chewing is getting easier, and I am very much looking forward to chowing into some apples and salad today. I still feel horribly guilty for eating this much, for so many reasons, but I'm pushing through it when I can. I know I need to get my control back. And so I've devised a meal plan to work towards, basically the same as I was eating before I went on liquids, and I'm adding in different parts slowly.

For the last couple of days I've been eating a slice of toast with some peaches on the side for breakfast, oatmeal with peaches for lunch, and soup for dinner (with peaches and custard for dessert), which came to about 500 calories total, plus three Ensures (total of 1,200). Yes, I've been eating a lot of peaches. Weight Watcher's have a line of canned fruit, packed in artificially sweetened water, so there's no added sugar/calories. And with being reluctant to eat 'hard' foods or chew too much in the last few days, but wanting to keep my fruit intake up, I've gone through about 5 cans of peaches.

Today, I'm trying to work in some snacks this afternoon, and apple and a yoghurt or maybe a muesli bar, and also bigger meals. I had my oatmeal for breakfast, and mum's grating carrots as we speak to make me a salad sandwich for lunch. I've also got a hoki fillet defrosting in the fridge, and I'm gonna try some hot dinners. I've also made a resolution to try to have at least five different dinners a week, instead of two or three (usually healthy fish & chips or teriyaki chicken breast & rice, both with salad). Baked potatoes are making a glorious return to my meal plan, as are full Caesar salads, both of which I've always loved. I'm actually kinda looking forward to eating again at the moment, which is nice.

Still throwing shit fits a couple of times a day. Usually not until 3-4 in the afternoon though, at least, which is better than 7am. I'm just really hanging for Tuesday to get here. Then I'll know what my weight's doing, get some outside support, hopefully be off Ensures completely, and get back on track. However, I'm dreading the fact that my intake will probably go up. I've been on 1,200 for maybe a month and a half now, and eaten it consistently for a month (apart from the last week or two being a little low). I've lost weight every week for that month. Two weeks ago at my last appointment, we were going to put my intake up but decided to postpone it until I was back to regular weekly appointments. I'm just dreading eating more than 1,200 every day. 1,300 calories, 1,400 calories... seven days a week... how fucking scary does that sound? I guess it's just another barrier, like eating over 1,000 calories was (I was stuck on 999 for ages). But obviously 1,200 isn't enough to maintain, so I need to up it a little more. I'll see how it goes, and try to go with the flow. Two more days.

xxBella

Recipe: Low-Fat Vegan Latkes

Another recipe! Again with the potatoes. Latkes, normally, are grated potato mixed with a beaten egg and fried in butter. This is my healthier version. This recipe's feature is Orgran's NoEgg - a powdered vegan egg replacer. I'm not vegan, or even vegetarian, though I know a lot of you guys are. However, NoEgg is a staple in my pantry for it's convenience and low calories. One heaped teaspoon (equivalent to one egg) is 9 calories, all carbohydrate (no fat or protein). I use it in all of my baking, and it's amazing in this recipe, too. This recipe (200g potato) gets me about four decent-sized latkes, and I can definetely make a meal out of it. Any vegetables can be used, though potato is always a good base.

Vegan Latkes - 186 calories (calories for whole recipe)

Ingredients

Vegetables

• Potato, grated (raw 200g)
• Carrot (or other vegetable), grated (approx. 25g)
• Onion, chopped or grated, 2 tbsp

Latke base

• 1 heaped tsp NoEgg, mixed with 2 tbsp water
• Salt and pepper
• Chives, parsley, rosemary, or other desired herbs
• 1 tsp (5g) low-fat spread, for frying (I use Weight Watcher's Canola Spread)

Method

• Begin by washing and drying the vegetables. I always leave the skin on, though you can peel it off now if desired.
• Using a hand grater, grate/shred the vegetables into a bowl. It is always a good idea to dry the grated potato to remove excess moisture - squeezing it between paper towel works well for me. 
• Mix the grated vegetables with NoEgg and seasonings. Stir well to combine.
• In a non-stick frying pan, heat low-fat spread over medium heat. Once melted, add large spoonfuls of the grated vegetable mixture, pressing them to form into pancake shapes.
• Cook for 5-10 minutes, or until browned. Use an egg slide to flip them over, and cook for approx. another 5 minutes. When the top of the latkes is soft to touch and the edges are browned, they are done.

I weigh all of my produce raw, and in this recipe I weigh them after grating and drying them. I use frozen chopped onion for convenience's sake. Again, you can scale it up or down as needed, using 1 heaped tsp NoEgg per 200g of raw potato. You can skip other vegetables all together if you wish, and just have potato latkes. 

Using Weight Watcher's Canola Spread and Orgran NoEgg, the latke base comes to about 30 calories. Apart from that, it's only the vegetables.

I promise I'll get on to posting some recipes for my 90 Calorie Cupcakes and low-fat Scones and such soon, but for now it's just potato recipes - sorry!

Happy Cooking!

xxBella

Recipe: 99% Fat Free Oven-Fried Potato Chips!

Hey guys. I know I don't post many recipes, though I have a massive list of ones to type up and share. This is one that I absolutely love and can't not share. 99% Fat Free Potato Chips/Fries. I know, I know - food cooked in oil is always scary. But trust me on this one, you won't regret it! It uses minimal oil - less than 2 grams of fat in the recipe - and using olive oil means that there's barely any saturated fats. They're very simple and healthy - lovely with a plain fillet of white fish and a big ol' pile of salad.

99% Fat Free Oven-Fried Potato Chips - 160 calories

Ingredients

• 200g raw, white potato (medium-sized, with skin)
• 1/2 tsp extra virgin olive oil (I use Bertolli)
• Salt and pepper, or other herbs & spices as desired

Method

• Preheat the oven to 200 degrees Celcius (390 Farenheit). Begin by washing and drying the potato, removing any blemishes or black spots.
• Slice the potato lengthways to desired thickness (I like roughly 10-15mm). Cut the slices into chip shapes.
• In a bowl, toss the potato chips in 1/2 teaspoon of olive oil with S&P, or whichever herbs & spices you desire. I find this easiest to do with a small pair of tongs.
• Place the chips in a single layer on a baking tray, lined with baking paper to prevent sticking, and pop it in the oven.
• Bake at 200 C (390 F) for 30-45 minutes. Then, turn chips once, reduce the oven to 180 C (350 F), and bake for another 30 minutes.

And there you have it - low fat oven fries! It's barely any fat, but it's enough to give them a lovely colour and flavour.

You can also most definitely roast potatoes (or other vegetables) using this method. They are really just roasted potatoes in chip-shape, the only thing special about my recipe is the minimalistic amount of oil. I weigh the potato after I've cut it into chips, and you can definitely peel the skin off before cooking if you want. The key to remember is: 1/4 tsp oil per 100g potato, and it can be scaled up or down as needed. Raw white potato, with the skin on, comes in at 70 calories per 100g, and each 1/4 tsp of oil is 10 calories and 1g fat.

Healthy Fish & Chips

I like to serve these with a 3-4oz plain hoki fillet and a big pile of salad. You can pop the fish in the oven with the chips for approx. 20-30 minutes at the end, and there's dinner! The whole meal comes in under 250 calories. 

Happy Cooking!

xxBella

Every bite is a battle

I had breakfast yesterday, after 12 days on liquids. Unfortunately I didn't get much further than that. I had a slice of grain & seed toast with Vegemite, and a bowl of sliced peaches (pictured). Grand total of 97 calories. The rest of the day didn't go as planned, and I only had two Ensures apart from breakfast. But I'm trying again today.

I had the same for breakfast this morning, and am planning on oatmeal with peaches for lunch, and a bowl of soup and peaches w/ custard for dinner tonight. Toast is very tiring to eat at the moment. 20-25 minutes and 4 cups of coffee later, I'm through my toast and dreading the peaches. My jaw feels tired from chewing so much. My meals come to around 500 calories total, with three Ensures at snack-times, for 1,200 total. I really need to get to 1,200 a day before I see my dietician on Tuesday. In the last two weeks, I've gotten to 1,200 on maybe four days, usually dipping below 800 and yesterday was about 550. My metabolism is going to get fucked again, and I'm going to gain weight. It's usually the weeks that I restrict that I gain, and when I go back to 1,200 it goes back down.

I'm still so tired all the time, and it takes me so long to do anything. Mum's helping out with food prep, but I really have a hard time dealing with the guilt of other people preparing my food. No, I don't think she's going to pour half a cup of oil into my oats or anything like that, I just don't feel comfortable asking for help. If I'm too lazy to make food, I shouldn't be eating it, obviously. So a lot of yesterday was panic attacks related to this, crying and smoking and sleeping. It was probably also one of my worst days for self-harm in the past few weeks, at least. I hit my head so much that it hurt to lie down last night, and I scratched my arm to shreds, tearing open years old scars. I haven't actually cut in at least a year - I'm too scared of tendons, mostly. But lately I've really been craving to cut, not hit or scratch or burn or bash. This is probably the closest I can get, and less damaging than hitting my head, so I've been scratching a lot. I really only change how I self harm when what I'm doing becomes too dangerous, and I'm kinda concerned about brain damage from bashing my head so much in the past year.

I hope everyone's had a good week, and looking forward to the weekend. Sorry I've been so absent lately - I'm usually too tired to bother trying to write a post, or just don't have a single positive thing to write about. 

xxBella

Hypoglycemic yesterday. Woke up with 3.7 blood sugars, and they came back up above 4 sometime in the afternoon. Monday wasn't so great, and I only had three Ensures and my coffees. So I pushed it. I thought 100g carb would be okay (120g of carbohydrate is the minimum to keep my sugars in a normal range). Obviously not. Ridiculous. Four Ensures yesterday (130g carb) so hopefully this morning will be okay.

I'm trying to add flavours back to my Ensure. So far I've figured out I can have normal Vanilla, or add coffee granules, or add sugar-free drinking Chocolate powder, or add sugar-free Strawberry powder. I love those sugar-free mixes. Vitarium make them. They're like Nesquik, but they're sugar-free so they have next-to-no calories. Strawberry's like 4 calories a tablespoon, and Chocolate's like 8 calories a tablespoon. I also have their Mocha mix, but I haven't tried it yet, and they also make Banana. I'm not sure if their available overseas, but they're definetely worth checking out for anyone reading down here in Aus. They also make a reduced-sugar chocolate muffin mix (the only reduced-sugar cake mix I've ever found) which is very handy to keep around, and some other stuff. Best of all? It's all made with Natvia and natural goodness. I sound like I'm advertising, but really I'm just in love with this stuff. I use the Chocolate drinking powder to flavour my 90 calorie Chocolate Muffins... You'd never know. Just a handy hint.

But yes, that's what I'm adding. I found the Chocolate powder way too sweet in Ensure though, but I'm gonna try Strawberry later today. Maybe I just don't like chocolate milk. I honestly don't know. I like hot chocolate with just a little milk, but I don't know if I've ever had just chocolate milk or milkshakes even. I'm going to try the Chocolate Ensure powder though and see if that's any better - I need to get more today anyway. I'm resisting the urge to switch from Ensure to juice. I know I don't need to drop more calories, but it's just this niggling thought. I'm staying on Ensure for now though, which I guess is better than nothing. I just need to actually drink all five to get to 1,200.

I'm not too sure where I'm going right now. I've worked so hard this year, avoiding hospital and psychiatrists. I can't go to the hospital to get help, because I wouldn't need to be on a medical ward (mum begs to differ) and I will not go to their psych ward. Then there's the unavoidable psychiatrists. Either the hospital psych (...'nuff said), or be admitted through a private psych, and face forced weight gain and treatment and no, just no. Just not an option. Not walking in to that one again. So hospital still isn't an option right now. So for now I'm stuck. Six days until I see the dietician. Over half way there. I need to get to a GP still, but it's just so much effort right now. Ugh. I've become so lazy since I stopped running.

There's still an hour or so before the sun comes up. I've been waking up at 5am again. I'm sleeping through most of the day, on top of 6-8 hrs solid at night. Stupid sleepy stoner. I just don't want to deal with anything at the moment. If my ED went away then I'd have to deal with the real issues.
I cry to mum that I've wanted to die since I was 10, that it's not fair I'm still here.
She says that it's not fair what's happened to me, that I've never gotten the help I need.
Everything's flooding in and I just don't want to deal with it.
I just want to forget.
Everything's so daunting.
I just don't want to get up today.

11 days since I stopped eating.

Goodbye, calf muscle

My calves have definitely atrophied after a month of bed rest.

My left calf does still bulge when I flex it, but it's minimal, and it's like the bulge is moving further up towards my knee. You can't tell unless I flex, which is what I wanted. Unfortunately, it's not like I'm about to start running again tomorrow, which isn't what I wanted. I miss running so much. But at the moment my heart rate is still sitting at 140+ resting (it was in the 80s resting when I last ran), and I'm not feeling too strong right now. Either way, I think a lot of the reason I've lost weight this past month is due to muscle wastage in my legs/bed rest. My thighs have gone down a little too, but they weren't muscular to begin with.

It was also a nice sunny day the other day, so I put on shoes and took photos. 

Probably the most energetic I've been all month.

Spent yesterday and the night before debating myself over whether Vanilla Ensure or Coffee Ensure is 'safer'. It never ends. Nothing is safe. Settled on Vanilla because I don't have to ask myself "Do I want to add coffee, or do I want vanilla?" I don't want anything. So I breakdown and cry instead.

So, yes, more Ensure. Still not quite getting my calories in. Yesterday I ran out of powder, so there's one excuse. Trying to get them all in tomorrow. My time is either spent crying, sleeping, smoking and promptly falling asleep, or drinking Ensure. Crying is definitely the most common. Tomorrow is ten days since this downward spiral took a nosedive. One night (Friday, I think) I had 1/2 cup of pasta with my family and some dry crackers, and the next day I had two single-serve tubs of yoghurt before I couldn't handle it any more. Apart from that... Ensure.

I don't have control any more. Anorexia is in full control and it scares me. Normally I still have some say, I still have some control over my eating... but every now and then it just washes over me. And I can't do a damn thing about it.

Last November I didn't eat for two weeks, and only drank one weak black coffee and one Coke Zero Vanilla a day because I was too scared to eat anything. I lost a lot of weight and ended up in Accident & Emergency with blood sugars of 2.2, and I didn't even have to sit down before I was shown to a bed. I still didn't eat, and was constantly on glucose drip. I tried to eat, and ended up stuck on minuscule precisely-weighed steamed cauliflower with 1/2 tsp gravy on top, under 30 calories a day, but 'it's still something' I'd say. I went home after about a week, and went back six days later in a worse condition (this time, my blood pressure was also dangerously low). I was a complete wreck. I'd been smoking synthetics all day, the last time I touched them, and was completely irrational and panicked and out-of-it. I was slapped with an ITO (Involuntary Treatment Order/Sectioning), and I had four bags of IV dripping into me at once (the only thing keeping me out of the psychiatric ward was that they don't allow IVs etc). I was headed back to the Eating Disorder Unit, 90 minutes away. I started to eat, trying to eat my way out before I got there. Then, a miracle. Basically, the psych forgot to organize a review within 24 hours, and I was in 'legal limbo' for a week while they figured out their legal responsibilities. And it lapsed. He sat opposite me, telling me that it had lapsed, I wasn't sectioned, that it had disappeared, and I asked "what do I do now?". He just shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know". So I left Against Medical Advice and came home. I started to drop weight again immediately, obviously. But somehow, I ended up here, maintaining and bring my intake back to a healthier level so I could avoid hospital.

But where am I now? I don't need any medical help, like I did last year. I will not go to a psych ward, nor the EDU. Mum keeps saying I should go to A&E, but I keep telling her that I don't need to be in a medical ward and I refuse go into a psychiatric ward. She's not so sure I don't need medical help. But I don't. I don't need IVs or anything like that. Maybe blood tests, but nothing to keep me out of psychiatric. And then there's the issue of the psychiatrist there. It's an instant "STOP" sign. You all know the story, the damaging things he said that still stick with me. It's not worth it. And I won't see a psych to get a private referral, because then I'm definitely headed to the EDU and weight gain and outpatient and... no. Just no. It's all a moot point anyway, because I don't need any medical help and I don't want any psychiatric help.

It's not fair that I'm still here. I'm so tired of it. I'm so fucking tired of it.

Everything is Too Much

I can't do this. I can't fucking do this.

Food is wrong. Food is too much. Everything is too much. I can't eat. I just can't. Eating is not okay, and it never will be. Food is not okay. I still want to die. My body is getting everything (and more) it needs in Ensure, and I shouldn't want or need more. No more than what is essential. Is it even essential to have Ensure? Black coffee is okay. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee. It doesn't matter what it is or how many calories it has, everything makes me feel guilty. Juice. Juice has less calories. But it's not essential. Even adding fucking flavours to my Ensure makes me feel guilty. Black coffee is okay, and vanilla Ensure is okay, but heaven help me if I want to combine the two and make an iced coffee. It's too much. I don't want to want anything. Anything apart from vanilla Ensure and black coffee is absolutely piggish.

It's not the calories - I have the same amount every day regardless. It's the food. The taste. The guilt. The food. I can't even explain why I feel this way, or how it feels. Everything seems excessive. Adding coffee granules to my Ensure to make an iced coffee is downright piggish. Juice is downright piggish. Anything is too much. I don't need to have anything. I don't fucking need it. If it has less calories than Ensure, in some ways that's worse, because then I need to have more and I must want more. I don't want anything. So why would I want to eat anything, even safe foods?

How long until I'm only drinking one Ensure a day, made strong enough to get all my daily calories into a neat little 8oz serve? How long until I drop the Ensure, and have nothing and hypo and die? I can't justify eating or drinking anything any more. Nothing is okay. Black coffee is my one 'indulgence'. The only way to justify my calorie intake, is to not actually eat. Vanilla Ensure and black coffee - that's all that's okay, and even that's a struggle.

The walls are closing in.
I still want to die.
I haven't bothered taking any supplement pills (multivitamins and iron supplements and such) in two days.
Why bother keeping my body 'healthy'?
How long until the calories are no longer okay?
How long until I die?

I can't eat. I can't stop this, and I'm scared.

Yoghurt for breakfast this morning, alongside my Ensure. It's progress. I tried to have some pasta with my family last night, but gave up after about 1/2 cup. It was just too much too soon after 6 days on liquids. Usually I jump straight back into 'normal' foods and have no problems doing so, but it just isn't going to work this time around. I also tried a dry cracker and about 1/4 of a fat-free pudding cup, but it was still just too much. Too dry, too rich, too thick, too heavy, too strong, toomuchtoomuchtoomuch. It was so hard to do, but it was worth it to see Mum smile.

So here I am, working yoghurt back in. The plan for today is a yoghurt and a 155ml Ensure for each breakfast, lunch and dinner, and a 230ml Ensure for morning tea and afternoon tea. I had my breakfast just before. It was half an hour to get through my 175g yoghurt. I'm going to bring in stewed fruit with custard, and maybe try the pudding cups again, in the next few days, and go from there. Slow and steady wins the race.

I've had the horrible bright pink shawl around my shoulders for weeks now. I shuffle around in my dressing gown and shawl and slippers, feeling like a little old lady. Mum and I were laughing about it yesterday, and I went and got my grandfather's walking stick, put my mum's reading glasses on the tip of my nose, hunched over, and hobbled around cackling "Boiled sweet, dear?" in the best old lady voice. It was good to laugh with my family. It's been very sombre the past week.''

A week and a half until I see my dietician (Tue 23rd), and I'm hoping I'll have a bit more of a solid intake going by then. I'm aiming to start on yoghurts for a day or two, then stewed fruit & custard (I'd only recently discovered a love for pureed apples with custard - peaches, too), then probably soft foods like oatmeal and such, then bring back more grains and protein and fresh produce. Hopefully I'll be close to my normal diet again by then. For now, one day at a time, one step at a time.

xxBella

I had Restavit last night for the first time in months. I slept 8-9 hours. It was lovely.

Mum wants me to let her call someone (I can't talk on the phone. I never have). My old psych, mental health triage, ED Services, a GP, anyone, to ask for help. I just cry, and say that there's no point. My intake's fine (mostly) and I'm not in immediate risk. I don't want to recover and I don't want to gain weight. She held me last night as I cried, and she said she could feel every bone in my back. I don't normally let people touch me, so it's a very rare occurrence. Sitting on the back porch later, she said "It's one thing to see you this underweight, but to feel your bones..." Another day filled with tears.

I was making my Ensures this morning and just sadly stared at my fruit bowl. My Golden Delicious apples look so ripe. I cried. I just can't bring myself to put food in my mouth. It's been nearly a week. I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I'm not going to cancel my appointment with my dietician, but I'm utterly, utterly dreading it. She's going to be so disappointed in me. I feel ashamed. I'm doing the best I can but I know it's not good enough. Mum really wants me to see at least a GP before then, but I just don't see the point. I'm so tired. I don't want to fight this any more. I don't want to end up in hospital, but I don't think I will. My sugar levels are still holding because I'm getting enough carbs. My blood pressure's in the normal range, and has no reason not to be. Yes, my heart rate's still ~140 resting, but I dealt with that for most of last year and it's never been a reason to take me to A&E (Accident & Emergency). So I'm fine.

I'm just not eating.

P.S, I just updated my stats on the side with conversions to pounds and BMIs. The fact that I'm naturally BMI 17.5-19.0 (100% effortlessly maintained for years, until I got sick) I still find hard to believe.

"I'm so glad to see you"

That was the first thing my mum said to me this morning, shortly before she started crying. She keeps crying. I keep crying. I've given up hope. I'm too tired to fight this any more. I struggled my way through three shakes yesterday, but couldn't even get to 800 cals. I have just lost the will to live. I don't know why I'm still here. Mum keeps saying that I've gotta stick around, that I have to keep fighting. I don't see why. I feel like I'm not going to be here much longer, that surely my body has to give up soon.

I don't get out of bed much at the moment. Maybe two or three hours out of the whole day. I try to get at least one nap a day, more if I can help it. I'm tired all the time at the moment. I spend a few minutes on my feet, and I'm puffed and my heart's pounding out of my chest. I don't even know how I got to this point. Mum wants me to go back to see the GP, get my blood test done, something, anything. I just cry, saying that there's no point. I just don't have the energy to fight it any more.

It's 5 days since I last ate actual food. 3-4 days (?) since my last yoghurt. Since then I've been surviving on nutritional shakes. Surprisingly enough, Ensure is the most pleasant tasting. I made 12 different batches of Sustagen (sold as Boost overseas) yesterday, with different combinations of vanilla and neutral powder, milk or water, and different flavourings, and they all got spit straight into the sink. Even the smell of that stuff makes me gag. It's tolerable with milk and lots of Milo to cover the taste, but far too rich to drink comfortably. So now I'm settled on Ensure. Meaning that mum has been running around frantic for days, trying to find something suitable. Meaning that I now have 1.3kg of Vanilla Ensure powder sitting in my kitchen (approx. 5,589 cals worth). Not to mention 900g of Vanilla Sustagen and 900g of Neutral Sustagen. Thank god my Great Uncle drinks the stuff, it's not just money down the drain. Last time I visited, my Great Aunt asked him "Tea, or Sustagen?" when she was making coffee. I thought it was cute.

So here I am. In bed. Freezing. I'm colder lately than I've ever been before. No amount of layers of clothing or blankets or electric blankets keep me warm. I'm drinking a lot of coffee to keep me warm. Currently I'm looking at 5 serves of Ensure - 230ml/230cal each - for a total of 1,150ml/cal. It's midday and I've had one so far. Four to go, in the next six or so hours before I call the day 'done'. Mum wants to get me Ensure Plus instead, so it's only three serves. Five days ago, I didn't want to put solid food in my mouth any more. Currently I'm losing motivation to put anything in. I just don't have the will to keep going. I'm dreading seeing my dietician again in two weeks. When I saw her on Tuesday, I'd been on liquids since Saturday night. I didn't tell her. I just kept it to the good points - that I'd been having 1,200 calories every day. What the hell am I going to say now? I don't even think I should go. I don't want any of this any more. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm just waiting to die.

Bed rest legs & measurements

Yesterday was 4 weeks since my last run. Lost most of the muscle in my legs, though my left calf still bulges when I flex. I feel like they're still a lot bigger than they used to be at the start of the year, but the numbers say different. Also did my measurements yesterday, for the first time since I've started to up my intake. My weight is roughly the same (started 47kg/BMI 13.7), maybe a pound lower, but moreorless the same.

Neck 11.5"
Bust 27.5"
Waist 21"
Hips 30.5"
Upper arm (below shoulder) 9"
Upper arm (above elbow) 7.5"
Forearm (below elbow) 8"
Wrist 5"
Thigh (top) 15.5"
Thigh (bottom) 11.5"
Calf (below knee) 11"
Ankle 7.5"

I've lost 0.5" each from my bust, hips (I've always had big hips), upper arm (below shoulder) and calf (below knee), 0.25" from the bottom of my thighs, and 0.75" from the top of my thighs. So 3" total loss in the past four months. To my knowledge, these are the smallest measurements I've ever been. I'm 'smaller' now than I was at 43kg, and I don't have measurements for 41kg. I don't fully understand it, but I'm not complaining.

Will post with more of an update later, just felt like sharing this right now. Not a good day so far at all.

Things are spiralling downward. I'm falling fast. I'm losing control.

I couldn't even bring myself to have a yoghurt drink yesterday. I broke down in tears. Things like this always escalate quickly. Yesterday I had 1,350ml supplements and a 250ml juice. I keep crying. Mum keeps crying. I can't bring myself to put food in my mouth. I had a 250ml supplement this morning, and mum went to buy Sustagen. Both the Vanilla and Neutral make me gag (I tried making them both with water, and then skim milk). I made 15 different combinations with different flavourings. They all got spit straight back out. I made one with a lot of Milo and only two scoops of Neutral Sustagen, and that was drinkable. But it took me nearly an hour to get down the 304 cal glass. Too filling, too rich, toomuchtoomuchtoomuch. I'm a little over 500 cals so far today, and it's nearly 5PM. I can't do it. I don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

Mum's gone back down to the chemist, trying to find something more palatable. Potentially Ensure. Don't know. There's not a hell of a lot available that's a complete supplement. Oh - she just called then. They can order in tetra packs or cans, but they don't know what the difference is. FFS. They have a tin of powder, so mum's gonna bring me some yummy Ensure for dinner. I keep telling her not to worry, it's not worth it, it's too much, I'm not worth it, I don't want it. I just want to fade off into the distance.

I feel like I've given up. I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. My dietician will start talking to my mum about psychs, the ED outpatient service, treatment, weight gain, recovery... and I just tune out. I stare at the bathroom scales on the other side of her office, and just tune out. Its like I'm not even there. I don't want any of it. I can't do it anymore. I'm just waiting to die.

This morning I went to see my dietician, after not seeing her last week. We had a very brief chat, before she took me down the hall to the scales. Step on sideways, breathe-in-breathe-out. "It's gone down... quite a bit." Wipe that smile off your face. We went back to her office and sat down, and I told her how my intake was. The first week was pretty shaky - a couple of 1,200 days, a couple of 800 days, but three embarrassingly-over-1,200 days, and the past week I'd had 1,200 perfectly every day. Didn't mention that I haven't eaten solid food since Saturday, thought I'd just keep it to the good points. Keeping on 1,200 for the next two weeks, as I don't have an appointment next week either, and we'll decide if we need to adjust it then.

I have been losing weight every week for the past four weeks. I've been having 1,200 calories a day, and not exercising at all. Barely getting out of bed, really. I don't need to tell y'all how mind-boggling this is.

I'd made a 16oz Thermos mug of coffee in the car. Before I get weighed, I limit myself to only one cup of coffee beforehand. Normally I'd drink 32oz /1 litre in my first two hours of waking, so that's a challenge. I was hoping I'd get a chance to run out for a sip of coffee and maybe a puff of a smoke before I had to see the new GP, but no dice. My first appointment was 8:10, and the second one at 8:30, so I wasn't holding out hope. But man, was I thirsty. The GP appointment... didn't go so well. I remember going in with my mum, and the GP asking over and over why I was changing GPs and what was the problem with my last GP and why, why, why. It was about 10 minutes of this before I left crying, saying I'm sorry to have wasted her time. So, yeah. Mum stayed and chatted with her. I don't remember much. I went out to the car in a full-blown panic attack, crying, and started to get chest pains - which normally don't come with my panic attacks. Mum came out. She'd written me a script for my anti-depressants, and a thing-a-majig for a blood test (order for a blood test? I ain't even know).

We went home. I cried more. I told mum that I just don't have the energy to do that, to spend so long talking about why I'm changing GPs, when she couldn't see the reason why. I do what I need to do, the essentials to keep me out of the emergency room. I don't have the energy for much else. I don't go out except for my appointments, and two in one day is just too much. I told her that I feel like I'm dying. I just wanted to have my OBs taken, then talk about that stuff. I need to know what's going on before I talk about why. Talking to me is like walking on a land mines. I get upset so easily, at so much. My dietician knows this, so she weighs me before we talk, because the one time we tried to talk first, I had a panic attack before I could be weighed.

I don't know if I'll go back. Mum said that she wants to see me again in a week or two, for blood results and to do my OBs. The biggest barrier now, is that I have a very hard time looking people in the eye after they see me panic and cry. The girls in the office are used to it. I walk out crying, and this lovely blonde lady always asks my mum if I'm okay. My dietician's used to it. My psychs all got used to it (I don't know if I ever stayed for a full appointment with my ED psych last year). I know I really need a GP, and I know I need to have a check-up, but I just can't seem to do it. Why can't I just have my fucking OBs done? I don't want to talk. I can't deal with talking. I just really want to have my OBs done, then we can talk until I panic. Appointments always end in crying and panic attacks. Thankfully they've become less-common with my dietician recently.

And to the matter of eating... yesterday, I had four fat-free yoghurts (270 cal total), four supplements (792 total), one juice (105) and my black coffees (29 total). The juice is actually wonderful. It's V8 Orange Mango Passion. I used to drink it a lot, watered down, in the first 6 months or so of my ED. No artificial whatevers, and a serve of fruit and a serve of vege in each glass. I buy the little tetra pack sippy-cartons. I'm enjoying not having to measure, not having to think. I also bought this little squeezie-sippy-pack of Up & Go 'Breakfast Yoghurt', which I'm hoping may be a little less rich than the drinks, but more of a meal than my current yoghurt. Also, it takes away another element of 'eating', because they're in little drinkable pouches. So I may try one of them later.

Today, I'm all liquids I think. I had a supplement a little before 10AM once I'd calmed down, and another one at midday. For the rest of the day, I have planned a supplement in the afternoon, a supplement (or a yoghurt drink) with a juice for dinner, and a supplement before bed. Add my coffee, and I'll be at 1,180-1,190 calories. Suck my lanugo-covered balls, food.

I'm finding it scarily easily to rationalize not having to eat. I feel good about it, I really do. It escalated quickly, but I'm really happy about it right now. It feels right, to not eat. I'm relaxed and I feel free. It's nice to not have to worry about having to eat. I'm going to get a better supplement tomorrow or Thursday. Up & Go is a good supplement, and it fits my carbs/protein needs perfectly, but I'm falling behind in the micro department. So I've got Sustagen: Hospital Formula Plus Fibre on my shopping list. Sustagen is the Australian equivalent to Boost, I believe. So I'm gonna take a whack at it. It has more calories and protein than I'd normally like, but does it really matter? I'm still gonna take in 1,200 calories, and it's not like I'm gonna be building a lot of muscle lying in bed all day. Just means I won't have to drink as much, which is nice - especially if my calories go up in two weeks.

I know my emotions are all over the shop at the moment. Sorry. I just feel good about not having to eat. Not just "not eating", but "not having to eat". No one can bitch at me, because I'm still getting in my calories, and I'm not actively starving myself. Best of all worlds. I don't need to eat, or gain weight, and at the moment no one's yelling at me to get to a hospital. In fact my weight's dropping. But I'll have to make the most of that before my calories go up. Ugh. Sorry. So conflicted. I'm just feeling strangely good, about my sad life. I feel very lonely lately, but I guess that's part of the parcel. I don't leave the house except for my dietician. I don't even go to the supermarket. I spend most of my day in bed, too tired and cold and completely exhausted to move. But I don't even talk to people, you know? Not on the computer and certainly not on the phone (heaven forbid). I guess I'm just starting to feel it.
xx

She Simply Stopped Putting Food In Her Mouth...

Excuse my good mood, but I didn't eat any solid food yesterday. Oops? Still getting my 1,200 calories in, but I'm just over eating food. Yesterday, I had four tubs of fat-free yoghurt, some pureed apples with custard, and four supplement drinks. So easy. Today, I'm having five tubs of yoghurt (66 & 69 cal each) and four supplements (total of 800). I feel great. Amazing. Happy and relaxed. I don't have to think about eating. Much less stress and little-to-no decision making required. A tub of fat-free yoghurt and a tetra pack supplement is just so easy - strawberry, or vanilla? I 'ate' easily under 400 yesterday, and the rest was supplements. I've never been happier with my intake, while at 1,200 calories.

It's just time to stop eating. I just don't want to eat. I feel like my anorexia's moving to yet another 'stage'. I'd be lying if I said "It's not about weight or calories", but it's true that they aren't priorities right now. I just don't want to have to put food in my mouth anymore. I kind of want to go to just supplements soon, because I really just don't want to have to eat, but I know that my body needs intake to keep myself out of hospital and all that jazz. So here I am, barely eating, having most of my calories in supplements, and I love it. I want to try a day with just six supplements, just to see what happens, with nothing else. I just don't want to eat anymore. I'm sure the calories will drop again one day, because I do still want to lose more weight, but it's not a pressing issue right now. It doesn't work. If I eat little enough to lose weight, I'm hospitalized within the week. And if I eat just enough to keep my body stable I maintain or gain anyway. Metabolism repair and all that. Slow going, as I've been upping my intake by about 100 calories a month, if that. But for now, I just want to stop eating food. I don't care so much about low calories or weight loss right now, as they aren't priorities. I just ant to stop eating food. It just feels like it's time to stop eating, you know? It's what feels right. Just like when I stopped running (four weeks tomorrow!), it was the right time. And now it's the right time for me to stop eating. I just don't want to eat anymore. I'd be quite happy on supplements until the day I die, if it means I don't have to eat. I feel free and wonderful without eating, regardless of the calories.

I feel really good about it. Love it. I don't have to eat real food, and with the small spoonfuls and long time it takes me to eat yoghurt, it barely feels like I'm really eating. I have all of the good feeling that come with not eating, but none of the risks. The only downside is that I find the supplements very rich - they're 1.5% fat and I've only had skim dairy for years (except on re-feeding last year - it make me awfully sick). We were raised on low-fat fairy, diet sodas, no butter on toast and not to eat the fat on meat. I'm grateful for it and have no problems with it, because we were also taught balance and treats and normality (she isn't a health freak or anything). Obviously that's irrelevant now, but I'm grateful for my mum teaching my brother & I realistic and balanced eating. But they do take a while to get through. Still, it's better than having to eat.

I just want to stop eating food.

Dietician and GP tomorrow morning, 8:10 and 8:30. Hopefully I'll have time to pop out for a smoke in between, and potentially throw a shit-fit if my weigh-in didn't go well, before I meet the new GP. I haven't left the house in over a month except for the clinic (mum does all my shopping now). I've been resting for four weeks now, and my legs feel like jelly. I'm very weak on my feet, very tired. My temperature's still reading about 34 degrees. Heart rate still reads ~150 resting, and the machine pops up with a little 'irregular heartrate' symbol every time, though my BP is stable. Glucose is still doing well. My wheeze is really bad and loud, and my cough isn't so crash hot. Priorites for tomorrow: Blood test, heart, lungs, temperature, anti-depressant script. It's not a double appointment so I can't get everything taken care of, but it'll be a simple enough way to gauge how she deals with EDs. Everything else can wait a little longer.

Speaking of which, my Implanon (contraceptive) still hasn't been replaced. Confirmed no period. I got it in Aug '09, developed ED around Jun '10, and got my Implanon removed at the beginning of August this year. I hadn't had a period since '09, so I've never really known if my ED would prevent it, but now I do. Slightly chuffed to be honest.

A few pictures to share with y'all :) Hope you've all had a relaxing weekend! xx

Hand around Ankle

Sitting on the porch swing in my Old Lady shawl
(I generally prefer the more Gothic, clad-in-black
look to bright pink, in case you hadn't guessed)

Breakfast :)

Meal plan babbling

I'm trying a new tactic with my meal plan. It's based on my old re-feeding menu - but still 1,200 calories or less. When I was inpatient (and continued the meal plan exactly as an outpatient), I ate the same foods every day for months. I didn't want to eat anything else. I didn't bake, I didn't obsess about food, I didn't read recipes for hours a day trying to find the perfect recipe for dinner. I didn't care. Same thing, every day. Just until I could get away from my hawk of a psychiatrist. But I was happier eating this way. I want it back - to not crave or obsess or think about what I want for my next meal, just to eat the same thing. I've changed some of the dairy for muesli bars and fruit, but that may change. Here's a comparison of the meal plans. (IP) was the meal plan when inpatient (that I continued at home), and (C) is my current. Everything on the old plan was full fat and full sugar - no diet drinks or skim milk or anything. And some things were ridiculous, like two slices of cheese in a sandwich, or using margarine and Vegemite/spreads, and way too much Vegemite at that (it's not something you have a lot of). Obviously, none of that bullshit here - and it makes a difference. Pretty much everything I eat is the lowest calorie version available, as far as I know.

Breakfast
(IP) Two slices of toast with margarine and Vegemite, Strawberry Yoghurt, Coffee-flavoured protein shake.
(C) Two slices of toast with Vegemite OR 3/4 sachet of WeightWise oats (with cinnamon & peaches), Cantaloupe half, Black Coffee.

Morning Tea
(IP) Vanilla Yoghurt
(C) Fruit (apple, kiwi or mandarin)


Lunch
(IP) Egg, carrot & lettuce sandwich OR Toasted cheese & Vegemite sandwich, Lemonade*, Chocolate Forticreme (or chocolate custard at home)
(C) Cheese, carrot & lettuce sandwich OR Toasted cheese & Vegemite sandwich, Diet Lemonade, Vanilla yoghurt


Afternoon Tea
(IP) Chocolate Forticreme (or chocolate custard at home)
(C) Muesli bar (crunchy nut or chewy apple-fiber), 80-calorie Chocolate Snack Pack.


Dinner
(IP) Larger portions with steamed vegetables (instead of salad), Lemonade
(C) 3-4oz chicken breast or hoki fillets, rice or potato (both ~160 cal portions), cos side salad, Coke Zero.


Supper
(IP) Vanilla Custard
(C) Special K bar, Vanilla custard with fruit (strawberries or peaches), Black coffee

*NOTE: From what I hear, 'lemonade' in Australia is nothing like overseas. Here, it's a clear bubbly soda that doesn't really taste like lemon, when you think about it (lemon-flavoured soda is 'squash'). No one makes real lemonade, from lemons, and we don't have powdered mixes for it either. Basically, here, lemonade = soda, and yes it comes in a 2-calorie version.

My current meal plan, obviously, averages 1,200 calories... I'm embarassed to say that my re-feeding plan was 3,000. All the dairy (full-fat custard, yoghurt, Forticreme & shakes) were 300 cals each (yoghurt was 200), soda was 150 for a small can... 60 calories of margarine for two slices of toast... I'm quite disgusted just thinking about it to be honest. 3,000 creeps up quickly with full-fat and full-sugar everything!

But when I ate it, food was fuel and a necessary evil. It made it very easy to restrict again, actually. The first day restricting I went straight back to under 200 calories, jelly cups and vegetable soup, and I was back under 50 a day by the end of the week. I'm not saying I'm going to do that any time soon, but I want to know that I still can, you know? I just want to prove to myself that I still have control and willpower. I want to get back to the point where I can spend 12 hours a day baking and cooking meals for my family, but never eat a bite. Again, not saying I will, but I want to know I still can. I don't know. I just feel so weak for eating... at least this way I might feel a touch less guilty. I still have supplement shakes sometimes if I don't get to 1,200 calories, but it's not every day anymore. My goal at the moment is metabolism repair, and consistency is a very important thing in that as I've learned.

 It is much easier if you eat the same every day. When I ate 50 every day, I lost consistently for months and never platued. It's when I start having high days and low days that my weight gets messed up... Even a few weeks ago, having 500 or 800 some days and 1,200 on others, I was gaining. My last two appointments with my dietician, I'd been eating 1,200 every day and had consistently lost weight (albeit insignificant...). But it's not gaining, you know? Consistency is the key at the moment - whether it's 200 or 2,000 - I need to be consistent. No more lows and highs. It worked for two weeks, and I'm hoping and praying that it has for these past two... It's Friday afternoon, and I'm seeing her again on Tuesday. Two weeks is nearly passed. Then it's another two week break. So I'm really hoping my weight's maintained or dropped, because if I've gained the next two weeks won't be fun...

Just as a side note... I watched Thin with mum yesterday. I've seen it at least 10 times, and read the book a few times too, and mum's been wanting to see it for a while. She thought it was a good doco, but obviously it's not exactly pleasant. But she liked it. She thought it was interesting to see 'so much of me' (my habits, behaviours, etc.) in other girls and how it presents in others. She actually wants to watch it again, and read the book. I'm quite stoked, because my ex-boyfriend hated it, but he hated everything and really never dealt with the fact I have an ED (let alone the fact he worsened it). But if I start rambling on him, then I'll never stop, and this post is already too long.


Hope you've all made it through the week okay, and have something pleasant waiting for you this weekend. Sorry for making such long and boring posts lately.

xxBella

I can't sleep. I'm not too sure why. It's after nearly 1AM, though, and I never stay up this late any more. I've been up since 3AM, so excuse my sleep deprived ramble.

I'm halfway through my first two-week stint without appointments/weigh-ins... I'm struggling, but I'm still here, right?

I also have my GP appointment next week, so that'll be interesting. Hopefully she'll be better than my last two GPs. I've been keeping a closer eye on things the last few days. My temperature's still low, and my cough is still getting worse before it gets better. My blood pressure and heart rate have definetely gone up since I stopped exercising. My resting heart rate floats around 120-140 at the moment, and the blood pressure machine keeps flashing up with the little 'irregular beat' symbol. Mum asked yesterday if I wanted an appointment just to get my heart & lungs checked, before I see the GP next week, just to be sure. But, really, who the hell would I go to? This GP is the only option at the moment, and next week's her next appointment. My last GP, who didn't think my blood pressure was a big deal? She knows we have a machine at home, which is why it wasn't a big deal for her to check it. Not even going to bother.

The thoughts of wanting to restrict are so constant, and they have been for over a month now. Day in, day out, eatlesseatlesseatlesseatless. I cry a lot about it. Everything is too much right now. The least I could get away with to keep my blood glucose stable is maybe 500 calories, but even when I've tried that my sugars have been in the 3s the next morning. Too many wasted calories. On only fruit and vege I could maybe squeeze it in at 500-600, but not now. I don't understand. I never used to have problems with hypoglycemia. I ate double-digit calories every motherfucking day for months on end, over-exercised, fasted, never overate, and I was fucking fine. Then I just completely stopped eating for a few weeks. And then there were paramedics and hospital and hypoglycemia and the end of my fucking weight loss. Sorry for swearing so much. Last night I was crying in great heaving sobs to my mum, that all I want is my 50 calories a day, my jelly cup and my soup, and that I can never have it, that it isn't fair, that my body can't hold up to it anymore. She said that it sounded like I was mourning. And I guess I am a little. I just want it all back so badly. It's a year next month since my blood sugar issues first started. It's nearly a year since I was happy with what I was eating. I've had a stable intake (enough to keep my glucose levels stable day-to-day) for months. Yet my sugars still plummet the morning after a 500 day. I know my family care too much to not call an ambulance if I'm in danger. I wouldn't ask them to. But it leaves me feeling stuck in this horrible numbness. If I cry and scream and hurt myself, heaven help me. If my blood sugars go below 3, or my blood pressure falls, or raises, or my heart rate gets to high, or I'm too irrational, if I stop eating, if I feel suicidal, if I hit my head too much. All are red flags for threatening me with ambulances and the Emergency room and ITOs.

I just want to be alone where no one can call an ambulance.

Sorry that I keep rambling off into depressing topics. It's not really a concern to be honest. Ever since I first got ITO'd and went inpatient, I've always just wanted to be on my own, where no one can call ambulances or take me hospital, because they wouldn't be around to see/do it. It's more an idle fantasy than anything, I guess. Apartment inspections and talking to agents and such gives me so much anxiety, hence I've never moved out though it's been an 'idle fantasy' for so long. I just want that apartment... with no food in the cupboards, and a spin bike instead of a sofa in front of the TV. Where I can lock myself away in my tower and disappear. But let's see if I can get past my crippling anxiety and agoraphobia and actually leave the house, before trying to move out. Yeah, right.