The last week's been pretty quiet for me. A lot of resting, a lot of sleeping. I've been eating my 1,000 calories a day and hoping for the best, and not running a particular lot. I'm eating a lot of fruit, veggies, whole grains, dairy - that whole crowd - plus I'm getting in bits of protein, too, so bonus. I'm really focusing on getting in lots of whole foods and a good range & amount of vitamins and other nutrients. I'm really tired all the time, sleeping 10-12 hours a night and feeling dead on my feet all day. So, yeah, resting up a bit lately. Still sorta failing at getting out of the house, but I went to Safeway after my dietician this morning.
On that, I did gain a little weight this week, but it was expected. I didn't eat breakfast before my appointment last week, but this week was later, so I did. I'm sure 99% of it is breakfast food-weight, so I'm not too fussed. Pre-brekkie appointments have been made for the next month, so hopefully I'll see some stability in the next few weeks.
Sorry I'm being so lame with posting/commenting/everything still. I'm getting there.
xxBella
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
Upswing
The dietician appointment went amazingly well. I was expecting to gain, especially given I'd nibbled on lollies and chocolate that pushed me well above my 950 average, and I only ran for two hours total last week (boo). But, I, by some miraculous turn of events, weighed in exactly the same as I did last week. Boo yah. So, the plan is to go for 1,000 this week (and, trust me, all nibbling will be accounted for), only run if I feel like it, and go from there.
I am stoked. Every week that my weight doesn't shoot up, I feel like I have another chance. So this week is averaging 1,000 calories a day, and only running when I feel like it. I always get on an upswing when I 'get another chance'. Let's just hope this continues into tomorrow and pulls me out of my horrible, unproductive funk. I also went to the grocery store this morning, which I haven't done in nearly a week. Yes...! I love grocery shopping. It was hard to get out of the house, especially considering I'd just been out to the clinic, but I did it. Hoping I can get out again tomorrow at least once. I need to get motivated for life and be productive and all that jazz again.
xxBella
I am stoked. Every week that my weight doesn't shoot up, I feel like I have another chance. So this week is averaging 1,000 calories a day, and only running when I feel like it. I always get on an upswing when I 'get another chance'. Let's just hope this continues into tomorrow and pulls me out of my horrible, unproductive funk. I also went to the grocery store this morning, which I haven't done in nearly a week. Yes...! I love grocery shopping. It was hard to get out of the house, especially considering I'd just been out to the clinic, but I did it. Hoping I can get out again tomorrow at least once. I need to get motivated for life and be productive and all that jazz again.
xxBella
Sunday, 22 July 2012
In a Funk
Lately, I've lost all motivation for, well, everything. When I wake up in the morning, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of anxiety and fear. I just want to spend all day curled up on the couch. I want to restrict so badly. Maybe I will soon. I wish my sugar levels would hold up for more than a couple of short days restricting.
I'm trying to decide if I really want to lose more weight right now, or wait a little longer. I don't feel like my body's strong enough at the moment to hold up to more restricting and weight loss. It will happen, even just a few kilos, but I don't know whether it'll be in a week or a month or whenever. I guess it'll just happen when I get too frustrated with seeing my dietician and figuring out maintenance etc.. I'm hoping I can put my intake down just a little this week, even just to 900. Everything sorta revolves around how my dietician appointment/weigh in goes on Tuesday.
Sorry for the rambling. And sorry I've been so crappy at commenting lately (again) - I'm reading everyone's posts, but just haven't been feeling up to commenting when I'm spending most days curled up in a ball. Trying to get back to that <3
xxBella
I'm trying to decide if I really want to lose more weight right now, or wait a little longer. I don't feel like my body's strong enough at the moment to hold up to more restricting and weight loss. It will happen, even just a few kilos, but I don't know whether it'll be in a week or a month or whenever. I guess it'll just happen when I get too frustrated with seeing my dietician and figuring out maintenance etc.. I'm hoping I can put my intake down just a little this week, even just to 900. Everything sorta revolves around how my dietician appointment/weigh in goes on Tuesday.
Sorry for the rambling. And sorry I've been so crappy at commenting lately (again) - I'm reading everyone's posts, but just haven't been feeling up to commenting when I'm spending most days curled up in a ball. Trying to get back to that <3
xxBella
Saturday, 21 July 2012
What would you do if you met a Healthier you?
These ads are on in Australia at the moment. They show people meeting healthier versions of themselves. They always make me think, and make me a little sad. I don't know what I'd do if I met a healthier me, and to be honest I don't think I even know what a healthier me looks like. I don't even know where to start thinking about what a healthier me really entails. Maybe a little weight gain, maybe a little muscle, but I don't know. Will I ever find a healthier me? What if I just keep 'managing' my eating disorder, and never find what a healthier me would be like? Do I even want to find a healthier me?
What do you guys think? What would you do if you met a healthier version of yourself?
xxBella
(P.S, I'm not advertising, I swear! lol)
Thursday, 19 July 2012
Keeping it Even
What a busy few weeks. I'm trying to get some order back in my life right now. The dietician went pretty well. I gained a little bit, but that could even just be the difference between having breakfast this week, and not having it last week before I was weighed. So. Here's the plan for the next week. I'm aiming for 900 a day until Saturday, then 700-800 on Sunday-Monday. I ate a little extra on Tuesday to boost my average, so yeah, still gonna be averaging 950. I want to start training harder & longer, which is great. Started off yesterday with a nice, slow early run for an hour!
I really don't want my weight to go up more. So, if I gain this week, I'll be cutting back. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, I don't particularly want to eat as much as I am now - definitely not more. All I want is to eat just enough to survive, just enough to drop a little weight... But for now, I really need to work on having a more stable intake before I go changing the amount. I'm sure my body will react differently to having a stable intake, than it does to be zig-zagging, ya know? No idea what the change will be, but something has to be different. So that's my goal this week - to stay in an 800-900 range.
Do you guys eat the same amount everyday? Or switch it up a little? I'm just so used to eating like this to keep my sugar levels up, so it's pretty new to me to have the same intake every day. I used to all the time last year, but that was on 50 cals, not 900. I really want to eat the same amount each day, but I feel like I'm so used to panicking and overeating because my blood sugars are falling.
xxBella
I really don't want my weight to go up more. So, if I gain this week, I'll be cutting back. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, I don't particularly want to eat as much as I am now - definitely not more. All I want is to eat just enough to survive, just enough to drop a little weight... But for now, I really need to work on having a more stable intake before I go changing the amount. I'm sure my body will react differently to having a stable intake, than it does to be zig-zagging, ya know? No idea what the change will be, but something has to be different. So that's my goal this week - to stay in an 800-900 range.
Do you guys eat the same amount everyday? Or switch it up a little? I'm just so used to eating like this to keep my sugar levels up, so it's pretty new to me to have the same intake every day. I used to all the time last year, but that was on 50 cals, not 900. I really want to eat the same amount each day, but I feel like I'm so used to panicking and overeating because my blood sugars are falling.
xxBella
Sunday, 15 July 2012
I'm so glad it's Sunday. I had my last higher-cal day for the week yesterday, so today and tomorrow are only <700 :) I feel like a pig whenever I eat 1,000+, but it means I run like a beast the next morning, and I don't have to stress about getting my calories up. I'm sure I'll gain this week, but then it's just time to go back to 850-900ish for a while. I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere - still having higher days so I can have my lower days, except the amounts are higher, but I've lost a little weight. So no complaining here. I want to keep losing, though. Just slowly... I want to get back to 45kg soon, then we'll start talking GWs.
So far this week (my weeks now start/end with my dietician's appointment on Tuesdays), I've run three times. 90 minutes on Wednesday, 90 minutes on Friday, and another hour this morning. All up, I've run more than I have been each week since I started with my dietician (normally 3 hours, sometimes 4). I much prefer running like a boss every second day, instead of puttering along with 30 minutes a day. I've just been loving my runs lately, and not wanting them to stop. I only stopped earlier this morning because my friend was coming over, and I wanted to make myself look pretty and tidy the house a little (I also forced breakfast in, so I don't throw up in front of her again :x). She was texting me while I was running, and my heart just felt like "Okay, play it cool... BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!" So much anxiety D:
We smoked a bit together, which obviously helped with the anxiety. So that was a challenge for the day. We talked briefly about my ED, and she told me her weight loss is mostly from smoking too much bud, but she went through a phase a couple of years ago that lasted a few months where she just stopped eating, that she was hungry but couldn't eat. So yeah. Enlightening conversations.
I then slept most of the afternoon :) I nibbled a bit when I got up, and made my Caesar potato for dinner, which was awesome. My smoking's picked up pace a little the past week, though I'm not too worried. I've been smoking more at nights and none through the day, so it makes for relaxing evenings. But two days this week, I smoked for most of the day, plus smoking during the morning with my friend today. I don't have the money to start smoking all day every day again, so yeah.
So that's about it. I'm running a lot, and hung out with a friend today. Huzzah.
So far this week (my weeks now start/end with my dietician's appointment on Tuesdays), I've run three times. 90 minutes on Wednesday, 90 minutes on Friday, and another hour this morning. All up, I've run more than I have been each week since I started with my dietician (normally 3 hours, sometimes 4). I much prefer running like a boss every second day, instead of puttering along with 30 minutes a day. I've just been loving my runs lately, and not wanting them to stop. I only stopped earlier this morning because my friend was coming over, and I wanted to make myself look pretty and tidy the house a little (I also forced breakfast in, so I don't throw up in front of her again :x). She was texting me while I was running, and my heart just felt like "Okay, play it cool... BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!" So much anxiety D:
We smoked a bit together, which obviously helped with the anxiety. So that was a challenge for the day. We talked briefly about my ED, and she told me her weight loss is mostly from smoking too much bud, but she went through a phase a couple of years ago that lasted a few months where she just stopped eating, that she was hungry but couldn't eat. So yeah. Enlightening conversations.
I then slept most of the afternoon :) I nibbled a bit when I got up, and made my Caesar potato for dinner, which was awesome. My smoking's picked up pace a little the past week, though I'm not too worried. I've been smoking more at nights and none through the day, so it makes for relaxing evenings. But two days this week, I smoked for most of the day, plus smoking during the morning with my friend today. I don't have the money to start smoking all day every day again, so yeah.
So that's about it. I'm running a lot, and hung out with a friend today. Huzzah.
Saturday, 14 July 2012
Home Alone
I'm home alone this weekend. Mum went up to the Vic/NSW border to see friends, and Brother's off at his girlfriend's. Scary. I haven't been home alone for this long in ages (normally my ex would still be here). I ate a tonne of crap today, so now I don't have to worry about eating too much in the next couple of days (because my average intake is up), which is a relief.
I invited a friend around tomorrow. So nervous and anxious about having someone in the house, and just seeing people at all. Last time she came over (the first time I'd had a visitor in years), I got so anxious I threw up. Yeah. Lovely.
I've also been smoking a bit too much these last few days, so yeah...
Still stuck in a bit of a rut. Roll on Tuesday, when I can hopefully lower my intake just a tad.
xxBella
I invited a friend around tomorrow. So nervous and anxious about having someone in the house, and just seeing people at all. Last time she came over (the first time I'd had a visitor in years), I got so anxious I threw up. Yeah. Lovely.
I've also been smoking a bit too much these last few days, so yeah...
Still stuck in a bit of a rut. Roll on Tuesday, when I can hopefully lower my intake just a tad.
xxBella
Friday, 13 July 2012
A Fine Line / The Phone Call
I was thinking the other day after I saw this pic (from eatingdisordermemes.tumblr). So many girls feel challenged to lose weight to get to the 17.5 diagnostic BMI so they can get help. I'm on the other end of the spectrum - I can't get psychiatric help I gain enough to reach a BMI of 16 (I'm around 13-13.5 at the moment).
At my height, that's a 5 kilo range between "you're too fat to be anorexic" and "you're too thin to get help - go drink a gallon of Ensure, then we'll talk". I mean, if I'd just been diagnosed (with a 17.5 BMI), and had to wait a month to get in to see a psych, I'd easily have lost 5kg in that month, and be forced into weight gain. Just some food for thought...
Every day, I hate the mental health system more and more.
By the way... I got the long-awaited phone call on Tuesday. But it wasn't from Eva, my psych at the EDS. Nope. My GP didn't put in a referral to my psych at all. My mum got a call from Mental Health Triage. They had received a referral for me, and they would refer me on to the 'most appropriate service'. Fucking seriously? Maybe the Eating Disorder Service, with my psych? Nope. Seriously, my GP is getting a screaming at in August. Mum & I both know how pointless it is to try to explain ED-related stuff to these people, so it was mostly just "Thanks, but no thanks - we were told Eva would call.". Mum's going to call back at some point just to 'fill them in'.. But yeah... So much for getting help.
Sorry I haven't been online much lately. I've either been flat-chat busy, or too depressed to get off the couch. My love to you all, as always <3
xxBella
At my height, that's a 5 kilo range between "you're too fat to be anorexic" and "you're too thin to get help - go drink a gallon of Ensure, then we'll talk". I mean, if I'd just been diagnosed (with a 17.5 BMI), and had to wait a month to get in to see a psych, I'd easily have lost 5kg in that month, and be forced into weight gain. Just some food for thought...
Every day, I hate the mental health system more and more.
By the way... I got the long-awaited phone call on Tuesday. But it wasn't from Eva, my psych at the EDS. Nope. My GP didn't put in a referral to my psych at all. My mum got a call from Mental Health Triage. They had received a referral for me, and they would refer me on to the 'most appropriate service'. Fucking seriously? Maybe the Eating Disorder Service, with my psych? Nope. Seriously, my GP is getting a screaming at in August. Mum & I both know how pointless it is to try to explain ED-related stuff to these people, so it was mostly just "Thanks, but no thanks - we were told Eva would call.". Mum's going to call back at some point just to 'fill them in'.. But yeah... So much for getting help.
Sorry I haven't been online much lately. I've either been flat-chat busy, or too depressed to get off the couch. My love to you all, as always <3
xxBella
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Maintanence
So, my weight stayed the same this week. Averaged 950 calories, which was the goal, and ran for over 3 hours total. And I maintained. This is just a tad depressing.
When I first saw my dietician, she assured me that if I maintained or gained on low amounts, it would be looked in to why. Today, she just spouted that crap about "Well, your metabolism is slow, so if you eat more it will catch up". No, it fucking doesn't. It didn't catch up in four months of forced re-feeding last year. It didn't catch up in February when I tried eating 'healthy' amounts. My metabolism is completely fucked.
She wanted to up my intake, but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to up it when my weight's stayed the same. If my weight goes down, I'll up my intake - and vice versa. So, yeah, same intake again for the next week, and we'll see what happens. I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time when I will not gain weight, and I don't really want to up my intake further. Eating more isn't fun when you don't have a choice.
I wish I could just eat my soup & jelly, 50 cals a day, like I used to before all this hypoglycemia bullshit started. No one understands that I just want to eat that little. I couldn't give two shits if I didn't lose weight doing that - I just want to so badly. It's what I'm comfortable with. It just feels right. No matter how much I eat for however long, my blood sugars still plummet when I restrict again. I'm nearly at the point where I want a permanent fucking glucose drip, because I just don't want to have to eat to keep them up. I'm eating more than I need to today, so I can 'earn' a lower day tomorrow. Still, never as low as I want. If I ate like I used to, I'd be in hospital within days. No one understands how depressing it is to just want to starve so badly, but not being able to because of blood sugar issues. I've been miserable and eating way too much all year, because I can't end up back in hospital. It's not even like I don't have the willpower to restrict or anything, my body just won't hold up.
I'm gonna go back to being depressed, anxious, nauseous and feeling like complete crap on the couch. That's all I've been doing all week.
xxBella
When I first saw my dietician, she assured me that if I maintained or gained on low amounts, it would be looked in to why. Today, she just spouted that crap about "Well, your metabolism is slow, so if you eat more it will catch up". No, it fucking doesn't. It didn't catch up in four months of forced re-feeding last year. It didn't catch up in February when I tried eating 'healthy' amounts. My metabolism is completely fucked.
She wanted to up my intake, but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to up it when my weight's stayed the same. If my weight goes down, I'll up my intake - and vice versa. So, yeah, same intake again for the next week, and we'll see what happens. I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time when I will not gain weight, and I don't really want to up my intake further. Eating more isn't fun when you don't have a choice.
I wish I could just eat my soup & jelly, 50 cals a day, like I used to before all this hypoglycemia bullshit started. No one understands that I just want to eat that little. I couldn't give two shits if I didn't lose weight doing that - I just want to so badly. It's what I'm comfortable with. It just feels right. No matter how much I eat for however long, my blood sugars still plummet when I restrict again. I'm nearly at the point where I want a permanent fucking glucose drip, because I just don't want to have to eat to keep them up. I'm eating more than I need to today, so I can 'earn' a lower day tomorrow. Still, never as low as I want. If I ate like I used to, I'd be in hospital within days. No one understands how depressing it is to just want to starve so badly, but not being able to because of blood sugar issues. I've been miserable and eating way too much all year, because I can't end up back in hospital. It's not even like I don't have the willpower to restrict or anything, my body just won't hold up.
I'm gonna go back to being depressed, anxious, nauseous and feeling like complete crap on the couch. That's all I've been doing all week.
xxBella
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Integrity
"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."
I don't think I have much of that. When it boils down to it, I eat to avoid going to hospital. Y'all have heard me bitch about the psych who I have to see if I go to A&E. He did some much damage the last two admissions, I honestly don't think I'd be able to put up with it again. He scares me like nothing else. And there's no way I can see a different psych if I end up in hospital. I walk in, red flags pop up, and he comes running down. He's the Head Honcho psych. He and his little Minion registrar.
He told me that I don't deserve IV fluids, because I can't keep myself stable through eating. So I refused them AMA and left. I was told by my med team I wouldn't make it a week. I was back in 5 days. He told me I didn't deserve a bed in the medical ward.
He told my mother & I that everyone I love would leave me because of my ED. My mum stood up for herself & my family here, and told him 'You don't know me - and I will not leave my daughter'. He said that he's seen it all before, and yes, she too will leave me.
Whenever I got the slightest bit upset, shed a tear, had a panic attack, whatever, usually because of him, he would tell me I was throwing a 'tantrum', and belonged in the psych ward. I was in a medical ward because I was in a critical condition, and had at one point four IV lines in at once. No IVs were allowed in the psych ward, and my med team had to fight him hard to keep me in medical.
He told me that me eating more to stay out of the EDU (in a different hospital in Melbourne) was playing Brinkmanship, and went on to compare me to fucking dictators in wars. Fucking seriously. His Minion told me I wasn't trying hard enough (I was eating 1,000+ cal a day, up from under 20). I gained 1kg in four days before his ITO lapsed (that's a whole different story).
He told me I was manipulative and controlling. He told me that my mother was 'trapped' by me, that I should 'release' her from her Carer's role. That I should basically run off and die so I wouldn't keep hurting others.
He rubbed in all these thoughts that had never entered my mind before. That I was a manipulative, controlling walking disease, who hurts everyone around me with my mere presence. That I don't deserve medical treatment. That I should run away and die, and leave my family in peace and stop hurting everyone all the time. That I am the worst person in existence, and I should just die.
I eat because if I don't, I'll be in his grip within days. My blood sugars will fall, my family will take me to hospital if I don't keep them up, and I'll be caught in a room with him. I wish I had the strength to run off and leave my family alone, and stop hurting them. Then I could starve. Then I could be dead within a week. I just wish I could starve & die with no fear of him. I just want to die. I would rather die than go to A&E and see him.
I have no integrity. I can't do the right things for the right reasons. And I'm too chicken-shit to just kill myself. I just want to be alone, starve, fall into a hypoglycemic coma, and die.
At least then it'll be over.
Sorry for a depressing ramble. I hope you've all had a better weekend than I have.
I don't think I have much of that. When it boils down to it, I eat to avoid going to hospital. Y'all have heard me bitch about the psych who I have to see if I go to A&E. He did some much damage the last two admissions, I honestly don't think I'd be able to put up with it again. He scares me like nothing else. And there's no way I can see a different psych if I end up in hospital. I walk in, red flags pop up, and he comes running down. He's the Head Honcho psych. He and his little Minion registrar.
He told me that I don't deserve IV fluids, because I can't keep myself stable through eating. So I refused them AMA and left. I was told by my med team I wouldn't make it a week. I was back in 5 days. He told me I didn't deserve a bed in the medical ward.
He told my mother & I that everyone I love would leave me because of my ED. My mum stood up for herself & my family here, and told him 'You don't know me - and I will not leave my daughter'. He said that he's seen it all before, and yes, she too will leave me.
Whenever I got the slightest bit upset, shed a tear, had a panic attack, whatever, usually because of him, he would tell me I was throwing a 'tantrum', and belonged in the psych ward. I was in a medical ward because I was in a critical condition, and had at one point four IV lines in at once. No IVs were allowed in the psych ward, and my med team had to fight him hard to keep me in medical.
He told me that me eating more to stay out of the EDU (in a different hospital in Melbourne) was playing Brinkmanship, and went on to compare me to fucking dictators in wars. Fucking seriously. His Minion told me I wasn't trying hard enough (I was eating 1,000+ cal a day, up from under 20). I gained 1kg in four days before his ITO lapsed (that's a whole different story).
He told me I was manipulative and controlling. He told me that my mother was 'trapped' by me, that I should 'release' her from her Carer's role. That I should basically run off and die so I wouldn't keep hurting others.
He rubbed in all these thoughts that had never entered my mind before. That I was a manipulative, controlling walking disease, who hurts everyone around me with my mere presence. That I don't deserve medical treatment. That I should run away and die, and leave my family in peace and stop hurting everyone all the time. That I am the worst person in existence, and I should just die.
I eat because if I don't, I'll be in his grip within days. My blood sugars will fall, my family will take me to hospital if I don't keep them up, and I'll be caught in a room with him. I wish I had the strength to run off and leave my family alone, and stop hurting them. Then I could starve. Then I could be dead within a week. I just wish I could starve & die with no fear of him. I just want to die. I would rather die than go to A&E and see him.
I have no integrity. I can't do the right things for the right reasons. And I'm too chicken-shit to just kill myself. I just want to be alone, starve, fall into a hypoglycemic coma, and die.
At least then it'll be over.
Sorry for a depressing ramble. I hope you've all had a better weekend than I have.
Anxious Sunday (& intake)
Pulled in another big burn today, with an okay intake. Ran for a full hour this morning, again. And spent most of the day feeling nauseous from anxiety... again. So I didn't really get a relaxing Sunday (I never do). I have massive anxiety about everything, and I just shut down :-/ Or throw up. Last time I hung out with someone I liked, I sorta threw up uncontrollably... How embarrassing =_= Random fact there...
Kept control semi-well today. I was craving cookies like a mofo this afternoon, but I know I lose control too easily. So I broke up a couple of vegan cookies and had them with sugar-free ice cream and caramel topping. It did the job, and I would've eaten a lot more calories if I'd just had cookies. Huzzah! Again I had problems with dinner. My brother is starting back at Uni tomorrow after his 'break' (note: his break has entailed taking on a lot of SES duties - he was on jobs all last night, running training today, more stuff tonight, and wanting to do more jobs in the morning before Uni. Madness!), so I made chicken parmigiana (one of his favorites). Also gave my mum the night off cooking, which is nice. I like to try and do nice things for my family. I put them through so much shit. Seriously. Anyway, cheese & tomato is my ultimate weakness. But I had my potato & salad like a good girl, with a small side of weighed-and-measured nachos. Craving busted. Still ate too much. I always eat too much. I hope I gain weight on 950 so I can lower my intake. This is hard :-/
Mostly uneventful day, as usual. I should really get out of the house more...
On second thoughts, maybe not.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (157)
Afternoon tea: Rice cake, WW brownie (half), Yoghurt, Coffee (99)
Dinner: Baked potato with salsa & cheese, Side salad (iceberg & salsa), Nachos with salsa & cheese, Coke Zero (204)
Supper: Sugar-free ice cream with Milo x2, Coffee (136)
Snacks: Coffee x5 (12), SF ice cream with cookies & caramel (76)
Total intake: 840 calories
Burnt running: 853 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 267 calories
Total burn: 1,120 calories
Kept control semi-well today. I was craving cookies like a mofo this afternoon, but I know I lose control too easily. So I broke up a couple of vegan cookies and had them with sugar-free ice cream and caramel topping. It did the job, and I would've eaten a lot more calories if I'd just had cookies. Huzzah! Again I had problems with dinner. My brother is starting back at Uni tomorrow after his 'break' (note: his break has entailed taking on a lot of SES duties - he was on jobs all last night, running training today, more stuff tonight, and wanting to do more jobs in the morning before Uni. Madness!), so I made chicken parmigiana (one of his favorites). Also gave my mum the night off cooking, which is nice. I like to try and do nice things for my family. I put them through so much shit. Seriously. Anyway, cheese & tomato is my ultimate weakness. But I had my potato & salad like a good girl, with a small side of weighed-and-measured nachos. Craving busted. Still ate too much. I always eat too much. I hope I gain weight on 950 so I can lower my intake. This is hard :-/
Mostly uneventful day, as usual. I should really get out of the house more...
On second thoughts, maybe not.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (157)
Afternoon tea: Rice cake, WW brownie (half), Yoghurt, Coffee (99)
Dinner: Baked potato with salsa & cheese, Side salad (iceberg & salsa), Nachos with salsa & cheese, Coke Zero (204)
Supper: Sugar-free ice cream with Milo x2, Coffee (136)
Snacks: Coffee x5 (12), SF ice cream with cookies & caramel (76)
Total intake: 840 calories
Burnt running: 853 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 267 calories
Total burn: 1,120 calories
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Busy day (& intake)
I ended up going to visit my Great Aunt & Uncle this afternoon, which was lovely. My Aunt is 80, but you'd never guess it! I spent all morning in the kitchen baking Wholemeal scones, sugar-free meringues, and cake balls for afternoon tea. I also drank unmeasured black coffee! Whoa! Thank god she uses the same sweetener I do, though :) I haven't seen them since January, so it was nice. When we got there, I had a mini panic attack because they'd had unexpected visitors drop in. So mum & I drove around for a little because I just couldn't deal with it, but my Aunt totally gets it, so it wasn't too bad.
Froze my sweet patootie off this morning. It got down to -0.2 degrees Celcius! But then I ran for a whole hour, promptly warmed up, and didn't really sit down until after dinner. Busy, busy! I might have something else to eat later, because I'm really falling behind on intake and don't wanna have to eat a tonne tomorrow before I see the dietician on Tuesday. But at the moment I just wanna go to sleep.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Wholemeal English muffin (half) with cheese, egg white & bacon, Coffee, Yoghurt (161)
Afternoon Tea: Wholemeal scone, Sugar-free meringues, Cake ball, Coffee (213)
Dinner: Homemade soup, SF ice cream w/ Milo, Coffee (150)
Snacks: Coffee x4 (10)
Total intake: 690 calories
Burnt running: 853 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 331 calories
Total burn: 1,184 calories
Froze my sweet patootie off this morning. It got down to -0.2 degrees Celcius! But then I ran for a whole hour, promptly warmed up, and didn't really sit down until after dinner. Busy, busy! I might have something else to eat later, because I'm really falling behind on intake and don't wanna have to eat a tonne tomorrow before I see the dietician on Tuesday. But at the moment I just wanna go to sleep.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Wholemeal English muffin (half) with cheese, egg white & bacon, Coffee, Yoghurt (161)
Afternoon Tea: Wholemeal scone, Sugar-free meringues, Cake ball, Coffee (213)
Dinner: Homemade soup, SF ice cream w/ Milo, Coffee (150)
Snacks: Coffee x4 (10)
Total intake: 690 calories
Burnt running: 853 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 331 calories
Total burn: 1,184 calories
Random Pictures from today
Got all dressed up to visit family today, and also some random thigh-gap pics from the porch swing, and my Domestic Goddess apron ;)
Friday, 6 July 2012
Sick and Tired (& intake)
Still feeling horribly sick today. I woke up in the middle of the night with a really painful stomach, and was throwing up before I knew it. Yay... So I had another day off running today. I feel so sick and tired all the time these past two weeks. My stomach settles for a little after I eat, usually, but 10-60 minutes later and it's upset again. I'm so tired and weak all the time, it's unbelievable. Who ever thought eating more would make me feel so run down?
I've been shoveling food in today, trying to get to my 950 average. I'd be at a 920 average right now, so I might have another snack before bed. Dunno. I want a lower day tomorrow, but I don't wanna have to stuff myself on Sunday & Monday. It's 'only' 100 calories more than last week, but it's so much. I can't do 950 every day, so I've been doing higher and lower days, and trying to get them to even out. If I'm still sick tomorrow (probably), I'm looking forward to resting on the couch most of the day. I just have no energy. I know that calories are energy, but it just doesn't seem to be working like that!
Breakfast: Vegemite seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (157)
Lunch: Seed toast with chicken, Coffee x2 (111)
Afternoon tea: Mini muffin, Coffee (192)
Dinner: Homemade beef & vegetable stew, Seed toast, Coke Zero (272)
Supper: FF choc-chip mini cookies, coffee (108)
Snacks: Nutella (146), Coffee x7 (16)
Total intake: 992 calories
Burnt doing housework: 322 calories
I've been shoveling food in today, trying to get to my 950 average. I'd be at a 920 average right now, so I might have another snack before bed. Dunno. I want a lower day tomorrow, but I don't wanna have to stuff myself on Sunday & Monday. It's 'only' 100 calories more than last week, but it's so much. I can't do 950 every day, so I've been doing higher and lower days, and trying to get them to even out. If I'm still sick tomorrow (probably), I'm looking forward to resting on the couch most of the day. I just have no energy. I know that calories are energy, but it just doesn't seem to be working like that!
Breakfast: Vegemite seed toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (157)
Lunch: Seed toast with chicken, Coffee x2 (111)
Afternoon tea: Mini muffin, Coffee (192)
Dinner: Homemade beef & vegetable stew, Seed toast, Coke Zero (272)
Supper: FF choc-chip mini cookies, coffee (108)
Snacks: Nutella (146), Coffee x7 (16)
Total intake: 992 calories
Burnt doing housework: 322 calories
Fat-Free Cooking Tip: Sauce Flour
This stuff is amazing, guys. I bought it a few months back after hearing about it online. It's called Gravy Flour or Sauce Flour. Basically, it's finely milled wheat flour. But it's amazing. You boil up your stock, milk, whatever, and give a decent shake of this on top and stir it through. It thickens sauces & gravies without making a roux. You know what that means, right? It's fat-free. I've tried so many 'fat free white sauce' recipes, but they never work (they normally involve cornstarch). This stuff is fail-proof, though. I used it making a stew for my family & I tonight, and it's brilliant. I use it every time I need to make sauces now.
If you guys need to make gravies or sauces, and want to cut out the butter, buy this. You will not be disappointed!
If you guys need to make gravies or sauces, and want to cut out the butter, buy this. You will not be disappointed!
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Coffee (& intake)
I love coffee. Seriously. I drank 16 cups/128oz of coffee today. Buzzzzz! Well, not really. My family are immune to caffeine - Mum & I especially. It's not uncommon for us to drink 3-5 cups of coffee after dinner, and still be asleep within hours. I used to take a 500ml (16oz) Thermos cup of coffee to bed, drink it, have the last sip, hand the cup to J, roll over and fall asleep straight away. Mum drinks even more coffee than I do, by the way, and always has a cuppa with her whether it's hot or gone cold (I don't have her taste for cold, or even warm, coffee - I take mine scalding). I also get 700-800mg a day in my diet pills, plus whatever I get in tea & Diet Coke. Yes, I consume exorbitant amounts of caffeine.
Coffee is actually a fear food for me - unmeasured coffee, anyway. I weighed my coffee for quite a while, and then found an average weight, but still use measuring spoons. The thought of dumping a heaped spoon of granules into a mug scares the shit out of me, even to have black. Massive fucking fear.
Do you girls drink coffee? A lot of it? How do you take it? Obviously, I drink copious amounts of black, Stevia-sweetened coffee, really damn hot. I like lattes on occasion, too, but milky drinks/liquid calories are a major fear food. I'd rather have a measured skim latte sachet than an unmeasured black coffee, though.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Wholemeal muffin with FF cheese, egg white & bacon, Coffee, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (163)
Snack: Nutella, Ice cream with Milo (130)
Afternoon tea: Rice cakes, Weight Watchers brownie, Coffee (135)
Dinner: Baked potato with Caesar dressing, cheese & bacon, Side salad (cos & Caesar), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (161)
Snack: SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (61)
Coffee: (apart from that drunk with meals & snacks) Three large (12), Five small (10)
Total intake: 826 calories
Burnt running: 426 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 231 calories
Total burn: 657 calories
Coffee is actually a fear food for me - unmeasured coffee, anyway. I weighed my coffee for quite a while, and then found an average weight, but still use measuring spoons. The thought of dumping a heaped spoon of granules into a mug scares the shit out of me, even to have black. Massive fucking fear.
Do you girls drink coffee? A lot of it? How do you take it? Obviously, I drink copious amounts of black, Stevia-sweetened coffee, really damn hot. I like lattes on occasion, too, but milky drinks/liquid calories are a major fear food. I'd rather have a measured skim latte sachet than an unmeasured black coffee, though.
xxBella
Breakfast: Vegemite toast, Cinnamon oats, Coffee (156)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Wholemeal muffin with FF cheese, egg white & bacon, Coffee, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (163)
Snack: Nutella, Ice cream with Milo (130)
Afternoon tea: Rice cakes, Weight Watchers brownie, Coffee (135)
Dinner: Baked potato with Caesar dressing, cheese & bacon, Side salad (cos & Caesar), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (161)
Snack: SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (61)
Coffee: (apart from that drunk with meals & snacks) Three large (12), Five small (10)
Total intake: 826 calories
Burnt running: 426 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 231 calories
Total burn: 657 calories
God, I hate my GP
She is just... Intolerable. She's damn lucky to have escaped a brick to the face today (I left my brick at home). She kept asking me about my interests, and if I leave the house much and shit like that. No, I don't, and it's none of your business. I cannot stand that woman. She told my mum on the phone after the last horrible appointment, my dietician, my psych, and their goddamn mothers that she was going to do my blood pressure. She asked, at the very end of the appointment, if she could do my blood pressure. Okay, this isn't so bad. Until she used a huge fucking cuff that wrapped around my arm six times. It read 89/60, which is worryingly low for me. That's okay, though, because she admitted it was wrong because of the cuff size... But she made a fucking note on my file of it anyway, without even bothering to get it right. I told her I normally read about 130/80, and she just gave me this funny look and said that it'd be a bit high for me. Oh well.
I took it again when I got home. In ten minutes, my blood pressure had magically risen in ten minutes from 89/60 to 135/80. SO DANGEROUSLY HIGH! Not. It's the same brand machine as my GP's, except my mum bothered to buy me a pediatric cuff that actually fits my arm. Pretty sure my blood pressure is un-notably normal.
Jesus Christ. I hate GPs more every time I see them.
Rant over.
xxBella
I took it again when I got home. In ten minutes, my blood pressure had magically risen in ten minutes from 89/60 to 135/80. SO DANGEROUSLY HIGH! Not. It's the same brand machine as my GP's, except my mum bothered to buy me a pediatric cuff that actually fits my arm. Pretty sure my blood pressure is un-notably normal.
Jesus Christ. I hate GPs more every time I see them.
Rant over.
xxBella
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
Intake July 4th
Pulled a sickie from life today. I spent most of the day on the couch with my stomach walking a fine line between hunger and nausea. Seeing the GP tomorrow for blood tests and such, and I hope I'm feeling better. The psych hasn't called yet, which is good. I really want to avoid talking to my GP about 'so how did it go when she called?'.
I think I'm addicted to Nutella. Seriously. I'm two weeks chocolate-free today though, so it's worth it. I'm eating a bazillion calories less with Nutella instead of blocks of Cadbury. Girls, if you don't eat nut butters, don't start! They're seriously amazing and hard to not just dig in to the jar with a giant spoon (I'm being good and measuring it). Don't start :|
Happy Fourth of July to all my U.S.A friends ^_^
xxBella
Snack: coffee (4)
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Oats with stevia & cinnamon, Coffee (156)
Snack: coffee (2)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup (still lamb broth, no meat, lentils, barley, split peas, carrot, onion & potato. I've been making it once or twice a week for months now!), Diced apple, Oolong tea, Coffee, Yoghurt (136)
Snack: Nutella, coffee (148)
Snack: Rice cakes, coffee (50)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Dinner: Baked potato with dressing, cheese & bacon, Side salad (cos & Caesar), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (178)
Snack: Nutella, Coffee (75)
Total intake: 753 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 181 calories
I think I'm addicted to Nutella. Seriously. I'm two weeks chocolate-free today though, so it's worth it. I'm eating a bazillion calories less with Nutella instead of blocks of Cadbury. Girls, if you don't eat nut butters, don't start! They're seriously amazing and hard to not just dig in to the jar with a giant spoon (I'm being good and measuring it). Don't start :|
Happy Fourth of July to all my U.S.A friends ^_^
xxBella
Snack: coffee (4)
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Oats with stevia & cinnamon, Coffee (156)
Snack: coffee (2)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup (still lamb broth, no meat, lentils, barley, split peas, carrot, onion & potato. I've been making it once or twice a week for months now!), Diced apple, Oolong tea, Coffee, Yoghurt (136)
Snack: Nutella, coffee (148)
Snack: Rice cakes, coffee (50)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Dinner: Baked potato with dressing, cheese & bacon, Side salad (cos & Caesar), Coke Zero, SF ice cream with Milo, Coffee (178)
Snack: Nutella, Coffee (75)
Total intake: 753 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 181 calories
Thigh Measurements
I measured my thighs last night, because I'm paranoid that my thigh gap's shrinking. The measurements have gone done in the last month though ^_^
June 9th
Top of thigh: 16.25"
Bottom of thigh: 11.75"
July 3rd
Top: 15.5"
Bottom: 11.5"
Not much difference on the bottom, but they're already lean as hell. That would be a 0.75" loss at the top of my thighs though, folks :) The very top of my inner thigh is the only part that has any 'soft spots' on my thigh, so I'm glad that's disappearing.
I'm gonna go back to groaning on the couch now. Gastro fail :(
xxBella
June 9th
Top of thigh: 16.25"
Bottom of thigh: 11.75"
July 3rd
Top: 15.5"
Bottom: 11.5"
Not much difference on the bottom, but they're already lean as hell. That would be a 0.75" loss at the top of my thighs though, folks :) The very top of my inner thigh is the only part that has any 'soft spots' on my thigh, so I'm glad that's disappearing.
I'm gonna go back to groaning on the couch now. Gastro fail :(
xxBella
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
Safeway's Next Top Model/Dietician/Sickie
Saw the dietician first thing this morning. My weight's gone down again. She wants me to average 950-1,000 a day. Urgh. We'll see how that goes. Had a panic attack at the end of the appointment, which is always lovely and embarrassing. Seeing her again next week. Pretty sure I wanna keep my weight going down, though, so we differ there. Fuckhead GP on Thursday, and still waiting on my psych to get in touch.
After that, I went to Safeway with Mum, as we do every day. A woman came up to me in the produce section, squealed, and said "Oh my God, have you ever thought of going on Australia's Next Top Model?!" and proceeded to string off compliments. I kinda awkwardly laughed and said "Uh, no... But thank you?". The last person who asked me if I've ever thought of modeling was a nurse in hospital. It was on a medical ward, but the nurse had previously worked in an ED clinic for years. Appropriateness, plus. So yeah, that made me feel kinda okay. Mum said I looked cute, like a doll, this morning. Safeway and my doctor's clinic are seriously lucky - I get all dressed up every day just to go there.
In other news, I am le sick. Mum thinks I've picked up a gastro. Not much of my food stayed down tonight. So yeah. That's why I'm up so late (10:15pm... Way past my bedtime ;)). I'm chucking a sickie (for some reason I think this is an Australian term?) from Life tomorrow, so no running, no cooking, no grocery shopping, no housework, zip. Gonna spend all day on the couch. I've been feeling sick for the past week, but it climaxed today. Intending to catch up on commenting tomorrow - I've been reading everyone's blogs, but not had the time/brain power to comment lately.
Love to you all <3
After that, I went to Safeway with Mum, as we do every day. A woman came up to me in the produce section, squealed, and said "Oh my God, have you ever thought of going on Australia's Next Top Model?!" and proceeded to string off compliments. I kinda awkwardly laughed and said "Uh, no... But thank you?". The last person who asked me if I've ever thought of modeling was a nurse in hospital. It was on a medical ward, but the nurse had previously worked in an ED clinic for years. Appropriateness, plus. So yeah, that made me feel kinda okay. Mum said I looked cute, like a doll, this morning. Safeway and my doctor's clinic are seriously lucky - I get all dressed up every day just to go there.
In other news, I am le sick. Mum thinks I've picked up a gastro. Not much of my food stayed down tonight. So yeah. That's why I'm up so late (10:15pm... Way past my bedtime ;)). I'm chucking a sickie (for some reason I think this is an Australian term?) from Life tomorrow, so no running, no cooking, no grocery shopping, no housework, zip. Gonna spend all day on the couch. I've been feeling sick for the past week, but it climaxed today. Intending to catch up on commenting tomorrow - I've been reading everyone's blogs, but not had the time/brain power to comment lately.
Love to you all <3
Monday, 2 July 2012
Monday Restriction (& intake July 2)
Back on track eating less today. I've only had two days over 800 this week - both in miserable attempts to get my average intake above 900 (I should be on 1,000). I got to an 836 average this week. Close enough... Anxious about weigh-in tomorrow, obviously. If I've gained, I don't know what I'll do. If I've lost, I don't know what I'll do. I'm barely comfortable with 700-800, and I don't want to put it up. I want to starve some days, I want to eat some days. One day at a time.
Made a nice dinner for my Mum tonight. Baked potato w/ margarine & parsley and oven-baked fish fillets on a bed of salad. She really enjoyed it, so bonus :) I also made her low-carb bread pies for lunch (one lamb, one beef curry). Her sugar levels are really good tonight (she's diabetic), so I'm happy :)
Also downed 4.5L of water today (normally I drink 3-4L). Score.
Snack: Coffee (4)
Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Oats with cinnamon & stevia, Coffee (110)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Yoghurt, Coffee (111)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Snack: Rice cake, Diced apple, Oolong tea (48)
Dinner: Baked potato with LF Caesar dressing, bacon & cheese, Side salad (cos & Caeaar dressing), Coke Zero, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (147)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)
Total intake: 462 calories
Burnt running: 639 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 196 calories
Total burn: 835 calories
Made a nice dinner for my Mum tonight. Baked potato w/ margarine & parsley and oven-baked fish fillets on a bed of salad. She really enjoyed it, so bonus :) I also made her low-carb bread pies for lunch (one lamb, one beef curry). Her sugar levels are really good tonight (she's diabetic), so I'm happy :)
Also downed 4.5L of water today (normally I drink 3-4L). Score.
Snack: Coffee (4)
Snack: Coffee (4)
Breakfast: Vegemite 4 Seed toast, Oats with cinnamon & stevia, Coffee (110)
Snack: coffee (2)
Lunch: Homemade soup, Yoghurt, Coffee (111)
Snack: Coffee (2)
Snack: Rice cake, Diced apple, Oolong tea (48)
Dinner: Baked potato with LF Caesar dressing, bacon & cheese, Side salad (cos & Caeaar dressing), Coke Zero, Frozen strawberry yoghurt, Coffee (147)
Snack: Hot chocolate (34)
Total intake: 462 calories
Burnt running: 639 calories
Burnt housekeeping: 196 calories
Total burn: 835 calories
Sunday, 1 July 2012
Sunday
It's Sunday, so I had a quiet day (more so than normal!). I made breakfast for mum (Open multigrain English muffins, topped with cheese, bacon & poached eggs with a cappuccino!), and something a little smaller for me. I'm in love with my low-cal egg/bacon/cheese muffins. Seriously. Also had my oats, a few FF mini pikelets (homemade, hiding in my freezer) & a frozen strawberry yoghurt. It was a big brekkie compared to what I've been eating, but I'd like to have 300 cal brekkies (it's my favorite meal of the day).
After breakfast, I made a big stack of homemade pancakes for my Brother and put them in the oven to keep warm until he gets up. He is le busy man these days. He's studying a double major full time at university, he's an officer in the State Emergency Service (and we have a million flood warnings at the moment) which takes up a hell of a lot of time between official stuff, running training nights, going to call-outs and all that, he's got a part-time job starting in a month, he's taking short courses, and he also has a girlfriend, and I know I'm forgetting the million other things he does. How the hell can one person do so much?! He's pretty amazing. So, yeah, I like to make him pancakes and fried rice and stuff for him to eat on the run :)
I made some amazing things in the kitchen today. Nutella-stuffed French toast for my mum, and some beautiful scones for afternoon tea. I ate 1,300 cal & burnt around 300. I'm so full - I've been constantly planning/cooking/eating. So exhausted. And I'm not even where I need to be for the week. Yuck. Won't be averaging 900 this week - that's for sure.
xxBella
After breakfast, I made a big stack of homemade pancakes for my Brother and put them in the oven to keep warm until he gets up. He is le busy man these days. He's studying a double major full time at university, he's an officer in the State Emergency Service (and we have a million flood warnings at the moment) which takes up a hell of a lot of time between official stuff, running training nights, going to call-outs and all that, he's got a part-time job starting in a month, he's taking short courses, and he also has a girlfriend, and I know I'm forgetting the million other things he does. How the hell can one person do so much?! He's pretty amazing. So, yeah, I like to make him pancakes and fried rice and stuff for him to eat on the run :)
I made some amazing things in the kitchen today. Nutella-stuffed French toast for my mum, and some beautiful scones for afternoon tea. I ate 1,300 cal & burnt around 300. I'm so full - I've been constantly planning/cooking/eating. So exhausted. And I'm not even where I need to be for the week. Yuck. Won't be averaging 900 this week - that's for sure.
xxBella
Get Drunk, Not Fat! (low-cal alcohols - website link)
I see a lot of girls asking about low-calorie alcohols, and I wondered how many of you know of this site? It gives a calories-to-alcohol ratio and everything. So yeah, it's pretty cool :) Just a handy bookmark for you girls next time you have a night out. I rarely drink, though. My ex had a habit of saying stupid weight/food-related things, and I'd go completely psycho. Calling your drunk, Anorexic girlfriend fat doesn't go down wellI. I've been eying a bottle of Shiraz that's been on my shelf for a few months now, but I have no one to drink with (in case I, you know, go completely batshit like I did on my birthday). It will be a happy day when I find a new drinking buddy!
http://www.getdrunknotfat.com/
Enjoy!
xxBella
http://www.getdrunknotfat.com/
Enjoy!
xxBella
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