So, my weight stayed the same this week. Averaged 950 calories, which was the goal, and ran for over 3 hours total. And I maintained. This is just a tad depressing.
When I first saw my dietician, she assured me that if I maintained or gained on low amounts, it would be looked in to why. Today, she just spouted that crap about "Well, your metabolism is slow, so if you eat more it will catch up". No, it fucking doesn't. It didn't catch up in four months of forced re-feeding last year. It didn't catch up in February when I tried eating 'healthy' amounts. My metabolism is completely fucked.
She wanted to up my intake, but I made it pretty clear that I wasn't going to up it when my weight's stayed the same. If my weight goes down, I'll up my intake - and vice versa. So, yeah, same intake again for the next week, and we'll see what happens. I feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time when I will not gain weight, and I don't really want to up my intake further. Eating more isn't fun when you don't have a choice.
I wish I could just eat my soup & jelly, 50 cals a day, like I used to before all this hypoglycemia bullshit started. No one understands that I just want to eat that little. I couldn't give two shits if I didn't lose weight doing that - I just want to so badly. It's what I'm comfortable with. It just feels right. No matter how much I eat for however long, my blood sugars still plummet when I restrict again. I'm nearly at the point where I want a permanent fucking glucose drip, because I just don't want to have to eat to keep them up. I'm eating more than I need to today, so I can 'earn' a lower day tomorrow. Still, never as low as I want. If I ate like I used to, I'd be in hospital within days. No one understands how depressing it is to just want to starve so badly, but not being able to because of blood sugar issues. I've been miserable and eating way too much all year, because I can't end up back in hospital. It's not even like I don't have the willpower to restrict or anything, my body just won't hold up.
I'm gonna go back to being depressed, anxious, nauseous and feeling like complete crap on the couch. That's all I've been doing all week.