Integrity

"Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."

I don't think I have much of that. When it boils down to it, I eat to avoid going to hospital. Y'all have heard me bitch about the psych who I have to see if I go to A&E. He did some much damage the last two admissions, I honestly don't think I'd be able to put up with it again. He scares me like nothing else. And there's no way I can see a different psych if I end up in hospital. I walk in, red flags pop up, and he comes running down. He's the Head Honcho psych. He and his little Minion registrar.

He told me that I don't deserve IV fluids, because I can't keep myself stable through eating. So I refused them AMA and left. I was told by my med team I wouldn't make it a week. I was back in 5 days. He told me I didn't deserve a bed in the medical ward.

He told my mother & I that everyone I love would leave me because of my ED. My mum stood up for herself & my family here, and told him 'You don't know me - and I will not leave my daughter'. He said that he's seen it all before, and yes, she too will leave me.

Whenever I got the slightest bit upset, shed a tear, had a panic attack, whatever, usually because of him, he would tell me I was throwing a 'tantrum', and belonged in the psych ward. I was in a medical ward because I was in a critical condition, and had at one point four IV lines in at once. No IVs were allowed in the psych ward, and my med team had to fight him hard to keep me in medical.

He told me that me eating more to stay out of the EDU (in a different hospital in Melbourne) was playing Brinkmanship, and went on to compare me to fucking dictators in wars. Fucking seriously. His Minion told me I wasn't trying hard enough (I was eating 1,000+ cal a day, up from under 20). I gained 1kg in four days before his ITO lapsed (that's a whole different story).

He told me I was manipulative and controlling. He told me that my mother was 'trapped' by me, that I should 'release' her from her Carer's role. That I should basically run off and die so I wouldn't keep hurting others.

He rubbed in all these thoughts that had never entered my mind before. That I was a manipulative, controlling walking disease, who hurts everyone around me with my mere presence. That I don't deserve medical treatment. That I should run away and die, and leave my family in peace and stop hurting everyone all the time. That I am the worst person in existence, and I should just die.

I eat because if I don't, I'll be in his grip within days. My blood sugars will fall, my family will take me to hospital if I don't keep them up, and I'll be caught in a room with him. I wish I had the strength to run off and leave my family alone, and stop hurting them. Then I could starve. Then I could be dead within a week. I just wish I could starve & die with no fear of him. I just want to die. I would rather die than go to A&E and see him.

I have no integrity. I can't do the right things for the right reasons. And I'm too chicken-shit to just kill myself. I just want to be alone, starve, fall into a hypoglycemic coma, and die.

At least then it'll be over.

Sorry for a depressing ramble. I hope you've all had a better weekend than I have.