Agh. If its not obvious, I'm having a horrible battle between whether I should keep trying to maintain my weight or give in and start restricting again. I've made so much progress. I don't want to screw it up now. Three months ago, if I ate 1,000 calories I'd have to eat <200 for a week to lose the kilo I'd gain. Now I can eat 1,000 every day and maintain my weight. I don't want to get caught in this cycle and end up in hospital again, because I'm doing damn well to avoid it as is. Eating is just getting harder - food is so unappealing.

I think I'm gonna try to eat 1,000 calories tomorrow. I need to at least try. Wish me luck.

Today's been pretty bad. I'm still feeling awfully depressed, and quickly losing will to keep trying. Maybe it's time for me to finally give up and start losing weight again. I woke up with indigestion after eating too many sugary things yesterday, but that meant I had plenty of energy stored to power through a 90 minute run. Last week, I only ran on Wednesday because I was so depressed/overwhelmed all week. This week, I'm aiming for my 90 minute Wednesday depletion run, a 30 minute run Friday or Saturday, and another short 60 minute depletion on Monday. I'm also aiming for an under 800 cal average, and given my ~1,300 'cheat' day yesterday, that leaves me with about 710 calories a day. I got this.

Today I ate 498 calories. I don't normally post intakes anymore, but today I feel like sharing, just for old time's sake.

Breakfast: One slice of 4 Seed toast with WW canola spread and Vegemite, Half sachet WeightWise oats with stevia & cinnamon, 32oz black coffee. (158)
Lunch: Whole sachet oats with stevia & cinnamon, water-canned diced peaches with fat-free yoghurt & bran, 16oz black coffee (173)
Dinner: Baked potato, steamed baby carrots, homemade fat-free beef gravy, iceberg lettuce, sugar free lemonade, sugar free ice cream with caramel topping (166)
Snacks: 32oz coffee (4)

Total intake: 498 calories
Total burn: 1,575 calories

It's still a lot of food, but I'm nearly comfortable with 500-600, and I think it should be enough to keep my sugars up. And lose weight, obviously. After all, that's all that matters. I don't know if I'll eat the same tomorrow, but who knows. I'm just confused and depressed at the moment.

I'm gonna be home alone for a couple of days, not this weekend but the next. You better believe I'm already making meal plans! Nothing too extreme, just stuff that might worry mum if she were home. Like waiting until the afternoon until I have breakfast, calling baby carrots a meal, eating ridiculous amounts of safe foods... Of course under 500. Maybe pull a little fast. I dunno.

I'm trying to get a handle on where my weight's at at the moment, and from my dietician's told me, I'm guessing around 46-46.5kg. That means I've got about a kilo to lose before I get back to 99 lb/45.3 kg, so that's doable. In fact, it's quite doable under the nose of my dietician, so I'll already have hit my first 'goal weight' before I start weighing myself again. Still don't know when that'll be, but it's safe to say I'll be back in the 90 lb range, or maybe even the high end of the 80s, by the end of the year. Slow and steady - I need to remember that. I'll be happy with 90lb (around 41kg - my LW) by new year. Maybe.

Also, I ended up getting nearly two weeks worth of views in 24 hours yesterday. There's my 5 minutes of blogging fame. Ladies and gentlemen, we now return to your regular programme.

xxBella

RIP Rachel & Clare Wallmeyer

The Wallmeyer twins are iconic in my town - simply known as 'The Anorexic Twins'. They've been in the news often over the past 15 years. Last night, a house fire claimed their lives. One of them died at the scene, and the other was flown to Melbourne and died in hospital. I never knew these girls personally, but I've followed their story for years.

RIP, Rachel and Clare. I hope you've finally found peace.

http://www.geelongadvertiser.com.au/article/2012/08/28/346885_news.html

http://www.2medusa.com/2009/01/rachel-clare-wallmeyer-wallmeyer-twins.html

Daze

I've been in a daze this week. I know my intake hasn't been 'restricting' amounts, but it's much lower than it should be. I've been having three small meals, skipping snacks most days. The thought of cooking and eating is just giving me this horrid anxiety, so it's easier to smoke my way through the day between meals. I need to cut it back to nights again in the next couple of days, but it's okay for now. I get this brilliant feeling of hunger, sickness, and dropping blood sugars, mixed with the head-spinning-feet-feeling buzz of smoking up. The best feeling? In the afternoon, after I smoke a bit and get sleepy and hungry, I dizzily walk to the couch and collapse, short of breath, and close my eyes. I get this ringing in my ears and my heart throbs and my body tingles, and suddenly I feel okay. I don't feel like me. I need to be careful, though. I don't want to smoke and restrict to the point that I literally can't stand or walk, and end up in hospital for the millionth time. 2012 is my year without hospital (since my first inpatient psych ward admission when I was 14, I've been admitted to hospital at least once every year). Things will turn around on Tuesday. I just... needed a low week. I'm not sure how much weight I'll drop, or if she'll tell me, but it's irrelevant. I just wanted to get a taste of the daze I get from restricting & smoking more than I should. I kinda miss the days of 50 calories a day and an ounce or two of bud a week, but that was really a fast track to hospital. I don't want to go to hospital anymore. Ever again.

Sorry for posting so much lately guys, I'm sure you're all tired of me spamming up your dash. Anyway, I'm gonna have an early night and maybe watch a little of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe.

My intake so far this week has been pretty poor.
Wed 22nd: 598
Thu 23rd: 547
Fri 24th: 770
Sat 25th: 795
Sun 26th: 565

I know I should be eating 1,000. But it's just been so hard this week. I was depressed, so I didn't eat much, so I got depressed, so I didn't eat much... You know the story. I don't know what I'm gonna tell my dietician on Tuesday. I guess I've just gotta hope next week's better.

My Eating Disorder protects me

I hadn't really thought of this before, but it came out when I was talking (crying, more so) to my mum earlier. I was already in a world of shit before my ED. But when my ED is so involving, how often does my C-PTSD ruin my day? Very rarely, and usually only on significant dates (I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Other things that were catalysts to my depression & severe anxiety have been swept aside by ED thoughts, too. Yes, they do still effect me often, but the real issues don't. I don't have to write my statement and go to court, because I'm sick. I can't go to therapy to deal with what he did to me, or what I've done to me, because I'm sick. I don't have to face the real, deep down issues that ruined my life long before my ED, be because my mind feels 100% ED thoughts 24/7. (Ask my mum the last time I talked to her about something non-ED related. My chit-chat is numberscaloriesweightrunningnumbersfatfoodeatingnumbers.) I don't have to think about why I've done any of the messed up things I've done in the past 7-8 years, or why I can't remember anything before that, or any of the ways people have hurt me or I've hurt myself. Because its more important to be obsessed with these ED things. No one cares why I ended up this way, they just care about dealing with the ED and sending you on your way. I've been constantly seeing psychiatrists and in-and-out of hospital since I was 12 (I'm 19 now), and depressed & suicidal long before that (though I have little memory before I was 12). But none of those issues matter now.

I don't know if I'm even saying this right. I just feel like my eating disorder protects me from having to deal with the real issues, in so many ways. Does any one understand what I'm trying to say?

...anyone?

Supplements

I'm sure I've posted about this before, so apologies in advance, but I wanted to do a post on supplements. Do you guys take any? What effect do you think it has on your health, if any?

I take

• Supermarket diet pills (usually Xenadrine or Hydroxycut) - 4-6 a day


• Centrum multivitamins - once a day
  
• Caltrate calcium - once a day


• Dietary Iron - once a day


• Fish oil - once a day


• Swisse Hair, Skin & Nails - once a day

It was really hard for me to start taking these, and it's still hard every day, but I've been on them nearly a year. My ED wants me to be sick, and supplements slow the process. But I know I need to take better care of my health these days. When I got my recent blood tests back, I was told that it's a very good thing I take all these, and I'd be in a lot worse state if I didn't. My iron levels were barely normal, even though the concern had been over-supplementing. Obviously, I'm still very sick, and supplements won't do much without eating alongside, but they have helped. It's scary but validating at the same time to hear that I'm actively doing something good for my health - it definitely makes it worth the money and time.

What do you take, if anything?

xxBella

Fun comparison

First pic is me just after breakfast this morning. Second one is a pretty good depiction of how I feel by the time lunch gets here. I'm a wreck.

I'm really struggling at the moment. Today was torture. I feel depressed for the first time in a long time. I can manage breakfast okay, but after that things just get worse. I've been picking the cantaloupe out of my fruit salad, leaving the watermelon & strawberries. It's fucking 24 calories, but I feel like I need to cut back on everything. I only ate half of my sandwich at lunch, and skipped my yoghurt completely. Lunch was harder today, though, because mum normally has rolls, but today she had a sandwich because we were out of rolls. I don't care if her sandwich has 2-3x the calories as mine, I just can't bring myself to eat more than someone else. Not even eating more, I just want to be the one who obviously eats the least. A sandwich is a sandwich, and we're eating the same sized meal. Skipped afternoon tea and just had a cuppa, and went with my safe rice & veggie dinner, and topped it off with a low cal dessert of frozen strawberry yoghurt. About 550 cal today. I haven't had one day under 600 since I started seeing my dietician 10 weeks ago. I've had two in a row. I really need to get my shit together tomorrow. I'm scared. I want to want to eat, but I'm just so fucking scared.

I slept horribly last night. I slept from about 9pm until midnight, woke up to go to the toilet, ended up making a coffee and not getting back to sleep. I normally sleep 10+ hours. My days are too long as it is, and today's been six hours longer. I was up eight hours before breakfast, which my body just isn't used to. Gonna be up at least 20 hours by the time I get to sleep, even though I'm normally never awake for more than 14.

I've also been really hurting my fingers lately. It's kind of an anxiety/stress thing as well as self harm. I have no skin left around eight of my fingernails. They're peeled deep, and they're always bleeding and sore. It hurts so fucking much all the time. I keep tweezers and band-aids next to my chair because I just keep doing it. I don't know how to stop.

Sorry I've been a Gloomy Gus the last couple of days. Tomorrow will be better. That's what we always say, isn't it?

xxBella

What I Eat (pictures)

Hey guys. I've been meaning to get on my computer and make this post for a while (I normally just use for phone for all things internet), and since I'm having a tired, slow, quiet day, I thought it'd be a good opportunity to update you guys on what I'm eating at the moment (if anyone cares).

Breakfast:

• One slice of Four Seed toast, with Weight Watchers Canola Spread and Vegemite
• 20g Weight Wise oats, cooked in water, with cinnamon and Stevia
• Diced Golden Delicious apple OR Frozen Strawberry Yoghurt (I've only started adding it this week, hence its not in the pictures)
• 2-4 cups black coffee

Morning Tea:

• Fruit salad made of;
• Cantaloupe
• Watermelon
• Strawberries
• Oolong tea

Lunch:

• Cheese & salad sandwich made with;
• Two slices of Four Seed bread
• Weight Watchers Canola Spread
• Kraft 97% Fat Free cheese single
• Shredded carrot
• Iceberg lettuce
• Kirk's Sugar-Free Lemonade
• Yoplait Forme No-Fat French Vanilla yoghurt tub

Afternoon Tea:

• 97% fat free wholemeal English Muffin, toasted, with reduced-sugar strawberry jam
• Black coffee

Dinner:

(Most nights)

• Rice cooked with onion, carrots, green beans, peas, sweetcorn and teriyaki sauce (I also like to add egg whites and/or garlic if I'm feeling comfortable to)
• Kirk's Sugar-Free Lemonade
• No Sugar Added vanilla ice cream with caramel topping (or a Skinny Cow sundae if I feel like a treat)

Obviously, I'm trying to work in family meals, but that's kinda hard. I can't eat it if I haven't cooked it, weighed everything, and know exactly what's in it, so I'm trying to come up with my own 'safer' versions. Here's two that I've done in the last week.

• Thinly sliced rump steak in brown onion gravy, with instant mashed potatoes (I ate mash so much in hospital, and rarely at home, so I actually prefer instant and hate 'real' mash), steamed green beans & carrots
• Macaroni with a tomato sauce and parmesan cheese

This usually comes out around 900-950 calories, and I only eat more than 250cal in a sitting at dinner - and that's  because I count dessert as part of dinner. I still weigh and measure absolutely everything, and that's not going anywhere fast. I do have different foods on Tuesdays, because I feel like I need to give myself permission to have unsafe foods once a week. Not even fear foods, just being able to eat the same food as my family and not measure everything (I even cook my pasta separately...)  I'm trying to get more fruit & dairy in, because I'm craving them, but I get a pretty balanced diet and a good variety/amount of nutrients for under 1,000. I've actually been making really yummy, clean family dinners on Tuesdays (last week we had roast lamb leg!), though I do like making a little batch of cakes or something for afternoon tea. There is no shortage of food porn appearing on my Facebook on Tuesdays (maybe since I posted a picture of a cake, my friends all think I'm magically better, hence all the compliments on how good/healthy I look?). Apart from Tuesdays, though, the above is pretty much a set-in-stone meal plan for Wednesday-Monday.

hai

Anyway, I just felt like sharing what I'm eating these days :) Also felt like throwing in a random picture of me, so apologies if your eyes need a good scrub. Sorry for such a long post!

xxBella

Yesterday was very long, very stressful. I'm still having a hard time not smoking during the day, since it normally 'takes the edge off' without giving me any real relaxation (hence why I'm now waiting until nights). 'The edge' is a bad one to have back. Monday sucked, and I ate about 650 calories instead of my 1,000. Yesterday was worse - in the 500s. I flipped when I couldn't stack the salad in my sandwich without it falling apart. Then, a few hours later, I was making a lemon cake as a favor for a friend. The icing messed up and wasn't opaque enough. I didn't throw it in the bin. I threw it on the floor, picked it up and threw it again, thrashed my poor body around the kitchen, getting a good running start to headbutt walls, and collapsed crying on the floor. I really hurt my hand yesterday too. My knuckles and wrist swell at the slightest tap, and it wasn't a 'slight tap' yesterday. Pulled out a few chunks of hair, too. I'm a real wreck when I fall apart like I did yesterday. Mum wanted to call an ambulance, but she knows what I'll have to face in hospital - namely the dickhead psychiatrist - and she is very hesitant of doing so. She knows that if an ambulance was called, I would just run. It's a hard spot for all involved, but my last admissions really did so much harm.

I went to bed early-ish, and woke up at midnight after 3 hours sleep. It's now 7am. I'll probably nap after breakfast, or maybe wait until after lunch, but I'm not that tired. I'm so stressed about eating my full 1,000 calories it isn't even funny. All I really want is fruit & yoghurt to be honest, but when a whole 1kg tub of yoghurt is only 393 calories, that's not really practical. But I'm going to try harder today. I just feel so much pressure to lose more weight at the moment. Just to get back to my LW. I guess I'll just keep biding my time for now.

Thank you so much to Persephone Paix & The Lovely Bones. Your comments last night really helped <3 I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't started this blog and met the people I have.

I made my mum cry today. For the second time in a week. Because I keep hurting myself and crying and screaming about how much I want to die, and what a horrible/wasteful/manipulative/disgusting/fat/malicious/hurtful/destructive person I am, that I should just die, that I need it all to be over.

Feels bad, man :'( I need to run away and lock myself in seclusion and stop hurting everyone around me with everything I do. My mum never cries. But she's cried twice in the past week because I can't shut my fucking mouth and go to my room and hurt myself quietly.

I'm so fucking selfish

On top of the World

I ended up losing a little weight this week. Well, it 'went way down', but my dietitian didn't seen to want to tell me how much. More than the half kilo I gained last week. So I'm lower than I started, boo yah! There's a little pressure coming on to 'raise my BMI', but I'm not ready. If pressure comes on too much, I'm gonna bolt like a horse. I'm still eating 1,000 calories a day. I'm thinking I might do a meal plan post in the next week so you guys can see some of the stuff I'm eating (still 99% clean & healthy). She came up with a few GP reccomendations, so hopefully I'll find someone new soon. I don't want to gain. I'm quitting while I'm ahead - why would I want to get fat now? I feel invincible, achieving the impossible by eating more normal amounts while keeping my unnatural body. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

In other news, today is my fourth day of waiting until nighttime before I 'smoke'. I'm over the hardest part, and I got a little 'buzz' last night after smoking half what I normally do. With any luck, my tolerance will keep lowering from here. Yesterday, I didn't cry, scream, hurt myself, break anything, etc.! Definitely over the hard part. Now I just need to keep it to after dinner only, which I've never managed to do for more than a few days in the two years I've been smoking bud. As I said to my mum last week, "As long as I'm not eating 50 calories a day and smoking a half bag a day, I'm doing okay."

Thank you to all you lovely ladies who commented on my last post. Love you all so, so much <3

xxBella

Hate

I truly hate myself. I don't just hate the way I look, or what I do with my life, or any of that. I hate me. I have since I could remember. Whenever I've felt suicidal, it's never 'I want to commit suicide', it's 'I want to kill me'. My self injury is okay at the moment, though I've hit my head a couple of times in the past week. Four months ago, I stabbed myself in the side of the head with a pair of scissors. Two months ago, my chest with a pen. Those lovely incisions & bruises on my thigh? A fork. I don't just hurt myself like I used to - I hurt myself because I deserve it. It's fucking horrible, to hate someone with all the fire in your heart, but that person is you. I hate everything about me, the person I am. I want to make myself suffer in the worst ways possible. Because I deserve it. I don't think anyone could hate me more than I do.

I started a tolerance break from smoking yesterday. Getting it back to nights-only, anyway. I'm having a pretty rough time during the day, and not much bonus at night, but maybe tonight I'll get a little something more.

Thank you all for your lovely words in comments <3 I know I should reply, but everything is so overwhelming at the moment, I just can't bring myself to do much.
Love you all <3

xxBella

Don't judge a book by its cover

I've been thinking lately about deception, and how looks can be deceiving. I've realized in the last few months, that getting all dressed up in a nice conservative outfit, putting on some makeup and flashing a smile, really hides what's going on. Whether its doctors, people on the street, or friends, I'm just getting positive feedback about my appearance, even though my BMI is still 13-14, and my measurements are as tiny as ever. I'm the same weight, but with better nutrition. My dietician clarified that it wasn't a weight comment when she said I was looking like I was doing much better, just that my skin/face/posture/whatever is better. My friend last night was lucky to avoid being slapped after he said I was looking 'healthy', but he doesn't know any better. I feel that if I pull on my mask & costume, I can make people believe that I'm doing well, when to be honest I'm holding onto my ED as much as ever, and I'm still slowly dying. But no one can see past my make up and clothes and smile, to see all that. I broke down to my mum the other day, and she said that she thought I was doing a lot better than I actually am, and linked it back to the fact I 'look' like I'm doing better (again, clarification that this wasn't a weight comment).

What do you guys think? Do you think that people can really be deceived so easily? I know that I spend all day in my dressing gown, freezing and feeling sick all the time, and barely have the energy to move, and that every day I wonder if it'll be the day I just 'stop'. But no one else knows that.

xxBella

Lonely

My friends, I'm lonely. It hit me the other day. I've been single for three months now, and while I have no regrets about kicking his ass out, I'm a little lonely. I never leave the house, except for the doctor/dietician and the supermarket, really. I've seen two friends in the past three months. One's not talking to me anymore since she got a new girlfriend. Sigh. I've talked to maybe four or five friends. I'm too anxious to do anything most of the time. But I'd like to maybe catch up with a friend for drinks at their house, or something quiet like that. I'm going to see a friend (the second one I've seen) tonight and pick up some lemons to make him lemon cakes. Yeah. I don't know either. But he's been talking about lemon cakes for months. He has all these lemons, and he loves lemon cakes, and he knows I love baking, so yeah. And he's kinda supplying my bud at the moment, too, so yeah. A favor for a favor.

So that's my social life. A guy friend I used to drink and dance and *cough* with asked me to a party the other week. But on top of the anxiety that comes with groups of unknown people, I'm too fucking tired after dinner time to do anything, let alone all that jazz. But who knows, next time I get an invite to drink (maybe not a party), I might go have some fun. I miss old me. Pre-ED-and-boyfriend me. But I can't go back to drinking and partying and eating junk and booty-calling my friends. So yeah. Boo. I'm just lonely. I just need a friend, some drinks, and a fun night.

Also, when it comes to things like booty-calls, it scares the shit out of me. Most people haven't seen me not just since my normal weight, but 10kg higher. I'm 30kg lighter now than I am last time the guy who invited me out saw me (and I wasn't overweight then). I don't know how people are gonna react to me being so much smaller. On the other hand, I feel 'too fat' to be seen by anyone, let alone naked. That's ED logic for you, I guess.

I just want a cuddle :<

xxBella

Doctors, again.

My GP yesterday was utterly horrid. It's the last time I'm seeing her. I walked in and she just said 'So, what've you got to tell me?' Brilliant. She blathered about anxiety for a bit, then turned to my blood test results. Surprisingly, most of my levels are okay. My blood sugars came back well, Vitamic C and B-12 and Calcium and all that are good. My iron levels were a little low, actually. My dietician expressed concern a few weeks back because iron stores easily, and it's dangerous to self-supplement (I take Iron 100% RDI, plus bits in other supps). I also have a family history of hemochromatosis, which gets back to storing iron. Oops. I kept taking them, though, and it's all good. The range is really wide for iron, though, say 8-250, and I was like 12, so just barely normal. My bicarb levels were in big red letters but my GP didn't seem to mind. She forgot I was there to get my Implanon changed, and she even said to me "I'm not even going to do your blood pressure". Sure, I have a BP machine at home, but isn't that kinda important?! Ugh. I walked out, never to see her again. Also, she realized (while my mum & I were there) that my ED psych is actually a doctor. No fucking way, really?! She only wrote all my scripts and was my only physician for over 6 months... 'Wait, they have doctors for eating disorders now?!' She seriously doesn't think my 'eating issues' are a problem. Wut? BMI 13-14, and no problem. Bitch. Anyway, I asked my dietician about who would be a good doctor to see, and she said no one at my clinic *sad face* I've been there my whole life, with the same GP until last year. It's literally a block down the road from my house. Boo. So she's gonna look into GPs who aren't idiots about EDs and get back to me.

The dietician appointment was a tad stressful this week, mostly due to concern being expressed by my mum (and backed by my dietician) that I might just 'stop' at any moment. I hate it when appointments turn to the subject of my mortality. It makes me feel icky. But, yeah, there's a little concern for my medical stability. I think I'm doing okay. I certainly don't think I'm about to just 'stop' and suddenly die. Ya never know, though. Only time will tell. But, for now, at least I'm doing 'better' than I was a few months ago.

I'm still itching to lose weight. I want to do some metabolism 'repair', but I'm running out of time. November (and December, obviously) is the social season for me, and I feel pressure to lose weight before I go out with my friends (not to mention most gatherings are food-focal). Last year, I swore I would be 55kg by the start of November, for the first social event of the season. I ended up at the end of the month more like 43kg and in hospital. Yes, it's lose-12kg-in-a-month kinda pressure. Sucks. But I don't know if I'm even gonna bother getting out and being social this year. Still, I'd kinda like to lose 5kg if I do. Hmmph.

xxBella

Impending doom

This week has been sucking a bit. I'm mega anxious about my weight, so I've been eating <800. I dunno. I just feel so crappy lately that I haven't been eating snacks - just my three small mains plus fruit in the afternoon. I just feel really anxious & depressed. I'm not used to my weight staying the same for this long. So I overate yesterday to make up for it. I'm so tired of eating. I'm insanely hungry all the time at the moment, no matter what I eat. And I don't have enough calories on 800-1,000 to eat a proper breakfast, dinner or snacks. I have an okay lunch, but still very low calorie. Doesn't stop me getting hungry an hour later. Where's the incentive to keep eating like this when I'm extremely hungry, opposed to never feeling hunger when I restrict? Anyway, last week the dietician said that if I maintain this week, she'll be pushing for a small up in intake. I don't know if she sees small as 50 or 200, but I'll find out Tuesday I guess. I didn't even eat that much yesterday, so I'm still looking at 1,000 today & tomorrow :-/ I just want more or nothing, to be honest. Have any of y'all who've gone through refeeding (though, note, I'm not gaining) experienced this extreme hunger? It's really different to binge-type hunger. I dunno. I just wanna eat 10x what I am. But I'm just not going to gain weight. Not happening. So yeah. Boo.

I'm seeing my GP tomorrow. Yay. I can't stand her, really. But I need my Implanon (contraceptive arm implant) changed, and at the moment I care more about protecting my ED than having a doctor who cares and wants to help me. So, tomorrow morning I'll be getting a local anasthetic and a scalpel to take out my current one and put a new one in. Fun. Not. Anyway, its a double appointment so we can 'catch up'. I swear to god, if she asks about my interests outside the house and fucks up my BP reading again, I'm gonna smack her. She doesn't understand that planning, obsessing, preparing and eating 3 meals and 3 snacks (more like 2 & 1 at the moment) a day is completely involving, exhausting, and time consuming. She doesn't understand that I have anxiety attacks and want my day to be over, before I've even opened my eyes when I wake up. Fuck her 'outside interests'. Seriously. She doesn't understand EDs at all. Mum wants me to try a different doctor at the clinic, and I probably will next time, but at the moment I just don't care enough.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. I'm mostly just feeling fat & depressed again lately, so mostly spending my time on the couch. Oh well. I had one good week.

xxBella

The dietician, weight loss, future direction

I really haven't been posting enough about my actual appointment with the dietician - just what happens with my weight. So, here it is. She's really nice, and she understands my anxiety issues (more than I expected her to). Our appointments are generally fairly quick and routine. She weighs me as soon as possible (today before I even sat down!) and we make small talk about what I'm wearing or my height or my piercings. Then when we get to her office she looks at my weight and tells me what happened. I tell her my average intake for the week (1,000), she congratulates me immensely, sometimes we talk about other things (like I told her about sandwiches today!), and we talk about my intake for the next week. She is actually quite fantastic. She's the best medical professional I've ever had, to be honest (though, as you guys know, that's not hard!)

She pointed out today that my weight hasn't really changed that much, and in fact has gone down a little. And this is since Mid-June. For nearly two months, I've held weekly averages about 800 (1,000 at the moment!), I haven't had more than a few hypoglycemic episodes, and I haven't gained any weight. This is pretty farkin' amazing. She doesn't push weight gain, or skyrocketing my intake up, but only as long as it's not an intake that's hurting me, ya know? Fair enough. As long as I stay stable, all good.

That said, I probably will 'diet' again before the year is out. I'm thinking 5-7kg, to bring me out around my low weight. I'll probably do this around October/November, since that's my social-season, but I'm not 100% sure when. I'd like to be around 40-42kg for the end of the year (I'm around 46-47kg now). So yeah. But for now, my body needs a bit of a break. It was giving up hard and fast. My dietician commented me today on how much healthier and happier I look (and then clarified that it wasn't a weight comment, obviously, since I'd gone down). A little while longer of this, and I might work a few fruit & soup days into my week, try to keep my metabolism & blood sugars good by eating what I am now on other days... Slow and steady wins the race (and avoids being whisked off to the Emergency department). Besides, I don't need to loose much more than that. My BMI is still in the 13s. I'm 95% happy with my weight loss so far.

Anywho, just some thoughts. I hope you're all doing well <3

xxBella

Pay off

Day - Intake- Burn
Tue: 1,386, 259 burnt
Wed: 894, 1,500 burnt
Thu: 871, 1,700 burnt
Fri: 898, 1,131 burnt
Sat: 1,000, 1,480 burnt
Sun: 967, 236 burnt
Mon: 972, 1,010 burnt

Total intake: 6,988 calories
Total burn: 7,316 calories
Weekly Net: -330 calories

So, I did it. My weight went down by more than I gained last week, so fuck yes. I actually lost weight eating 1,000 calories a day. Holy shitballs!

I'm gonna be taking it a little easier in the next week, but it was still a great challenge. For now, I'm off for a well earned cheat day!

xxBella

Burn, baby, burn!

Hey guys! I've been having a fantabulous week. Very productive and very active. Today's Sunday, so I plan on spending it curled up in my armchair on the back porch for the most part. I've earned it! I've been attempting a bit of an insane challenge this week. I like to have a negative 'net' intake, but it's harder to achieve every day with my intake going up and my energy crashing down. This week, I wanted to really push myself and see if I could match my burn and intake over a whole week. The goal is 7,000 (1,000/day). FYI, my 'week' starts on Tuesday when I get weighed by my dietician.

Day - Intake- Burn
Tue: 1,386, 259 burnt (This is my 'cheat' day, as it's the furthest away from when I get weighed again. I average to 1,000 over the course of the week)
Wed: 894, 1,500 burnt
Thu: 871, 1,700 burnt
Fri: 898, 1,131 burnt
Sat: 1,000, 1,480 burnt

Total burn: 6,070 calories

I honestly didn't think I could do it, hence I didn't announce it. I just don't run that much anymore (usually 3-4 hrs a week), but I'm so close, I can taste it. I'm not running today, but I will be tomorrow (Monday) before my weigh-in on Tuesday. I will easily have burnt 7,000 calories over the week by the time Monday night gets here.

I've been loving running this week, hence I've run more than I did in the three weeks prior. I love the endurance (I only run once a day now, and have for a month or two, but it's a lot longer), and I love to do it every morning to get my day off to a flying start, so it has really been quite effortless. I just really love running, and I never want to quit.

The muscle I've built in my calves in the last 6 months since I've been maintaining my weight (unintentionally at first - boo) really helps me to run better, harder, and longer. Yes, my legs don't look quite as stick-like as they used to, but they are completely firm (between bone/tendon/muscle), and the only noticeably big muscles are my calves - my thighs are smaller than they were and a lot firmer, though they have a small 'soft spot' right up the top from loose skin. But my calf muscles help power me through 90 minute runs, give me more strength to stand and walk, and can kick pretty damn hard too. I still wish they were sticks again, but I guess there is a silver lining. No matter what I try (I even didn't eat any protein for 3-4 months) they are not going to disappear. As long as I'm a runner, I will have the calves of a runner (though they aren't huge/bulky/bulging - there's pics a few weeks back posted I think).

I hope you're all doing well. I'll post either Monday when I complete my challenge, or probably just on Tuesday after my weigh-in.

xxBella

Feelin' good

I've had a good week so far. Since Tuesday, anyway. I ran 90 minutes today and yesterday, had an intake around 900 cals of really good, healthy food, got out of the house a few times (nothing special though, just Safeway)... It's been good.

I've been eating lots of fruit lately - apples, watermelon, strawberries & oranges are my key offenders. I need to go to another shop to see if I can find cantaloupe, and I really want Thompson grapes but they're out of season. My snacks have mostly been things like Wholemeal English muffins with low-sugar jam, muesli bars, sometimes oats, yoghurt, fat-free puddings... Fairly good stuff. Getting lots of fiber & potassium, getting over 100% of my Vit A, Vit C & Calcium (though I really lack in iron).

I've beaten one of my fear foods - sandwiches. Eating two slices of bread at once is hard. But I'm doing it! At the moment, it's generally my Four Seed bread, WW canola spread, a FF cheese slice, grated carrot & lettuce. They come in a smidge under 200 cal, so that's lovely. I've still been eating baked potatoes with Caesar dressing/parmesan/bacon 6/7 nights a week for a month and a half now. Maybe a slight issue? Anyway, I'm trying a sweet potato (alongside my regular spud, but half the size) tonight. I've never had them before. I'm gonna try it with S&P, maybe a little cayenne or tomato sauce. Any suggestions (the Internet seems to favor marshmallows :x)?

Oh, also, J picked up the last of his shit today (after two and a half months!). I am so glad to have it all gone. I am doing so much better without him. I am managing my ED, I have gained strength, happiness, and a desire to live. No regrets about slamming the door in his face (except I would've made sure it hit him!)

Anyway, I'm rambling. But I feel really good about myself today, and I did yesterday, too. I hope you're all well.

xxBella