My friends, I'm lonely. It hit me the other day. I've been single for three months now, and while I have no regrets about kicking his ass out, I'm a little lonely. I never leave the house, except for the doctor/dietician and the supermarket, really. I've seen two friends in the past three months. One's not talking to me anymore since she got a new girlfriend. Sigh. I've talked to maybe four or five friends. I'm too anxious to do anything most of the time. But I'd like to maybe catch up with a friend for drinks at their house, or something quiet like that. I'm going to see a friend (the second one I've seen) tonight and pick up some lemons to make him lemon cakes. Yeah. I don't know either. But he's been talking about lemon cakes for months. He has all these lemons, and he loves lemon cakes, and he knows I love baking, so yeah. And he's kinda supplying my bud at the moment, too, so yeah. A favor for a favor.
So that's my social life. A guy friend I used to drink and dance and *cough* with asked me to a party the other week. But on top of the anxiety that comes with groups of unknown people, I'm too fucking tired after dinner time to do anything, let alone all that jazz. But who knows, next time I get an invite to drink (maybe not a party), I might go have some fun. I miss old me. Pre-ED-and-boyfriend me. But I can't go back to drinking and partying and eating junk and booty-calling my friends. So yeah. Boo. I'm just lonely. I just need a friend, some drinks, and a fun night.
Also, when it comes to things like booty-calls, it scares the shit out of me. Most people haven't seen me not just since my normal weight, but 10kg higher. I'm 30kg lighter now than I am last time the guy who invited me out saw me (and I wasn't overweight then). I don't know how people are gonna react to me being so much smaller. On the other hand, I feel 'too fat' to be seen by anyone, let alone naked. That's ED logic for you, I guess.
I just want a cuddle :<
xxBella
Oh, sweetie! Most people don't like addiction, and an eating disorder will always become an addiction, just like drugs. Some find it hard to even keep up with it for a day, till your ED is confirmed. Then, as your ED is getting some light on itself, they start to accept it, at least they're trying. If they aren't trying, they're not great friends. A good friend is helping, and caring when you need help, and that's the case even you're drug addict, addicted to alcohol or have an eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteAs my life has flashed before my eyes, I see that good friends also seem to be annoying through times when the ED is worse. Then it's easy to walk away, and shut them out of your life. Don't ever do so, try to have fun even though the socializing won't be frequent. It might be too late for you, but it's important to include them again. Convince them that you are capable of having friends (most friends who leave, don't think you're capable of being social, since you've probably changed quickly and shut them out).
Did this sound crappy or is it just me...?!
I wish you much love in the future:)
I wish we didn't live in completely different continents, I wish I could come and visit you even on the days you don't feel up for leaving your house.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get to see more of your friends soon, your friend shouldn't ditch you just because she's got a girlfriend, maybe you should tell her how you're feeling so she starts making an effort.
I really hope you're okay and things work out for you soon. I don't want this eating disorder to ruin your life, you CAN fight this and achieve everything you want.