Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. I hadn't replied or posted yet because talking/writing works me into such a state at the moment. I spend hours drafting and re-reading and re-writing, rambling endlessly and usually deleting everything. I feel it's a hopeless effort to try to be succinct & structured. Whenever I talk to mum, I ramble for hours on end and can't stop. I'm trying to avoid doing that here too, so this will more replying to comments than saying anything new. I'm just a wreck. I can't explain myself right now, so I won't even try.

I can't put how I'm feeling and what's happening into words. I keep trying, but it feels like things are missing and wrong. There's too much going on, everything is so erratic. I just feel strange, not like anything I've felt before.
I don't think it's a different disorder looming. I think it's just an episode-type thing , if that makes sense. I've struggled with various mental health issues constantly since I was a child, and I have nothing to tie this episode to, so maybe it's just a way of breaking down. I don't know. I just haven't felt like this before.

And I don't think it's caused by sleep deprivation - the insomnia came after. I started feeling this way on the 19th, and I just didn't feel tired enough to sleep more than 3 hours. I still don't feel like I'm sleep deprived.
I stayed up for 45 hours straight on Saturday/Sunday, it was ridiculous. I crashed last night and got four hours.

I don't think I can ask for advice/help right now. I don't even have a GP, and I still need to do a walk-in to get my OBs done (my dietician is getting very ancy). And not to mention, I'm still avoiding psychiatrists and hospitals like the fucking plague.

Saying that though, I should note that Mum is always 100% aware of what's going on and how I'm feeling, and the past fortnight's been no exception. She's asking I seek help too, though as always it's a circular conversation because I'm very stubborn in avoiding doctors/psychiatrists/hospital.
She always knows how I'm doing though, and wouldn't hesitate to call an ambulance against my will if my life's at risk (my brother will do, and has done, the same). So I'm in good hands, and they're both aware that I think I'm having a manic episode of some sort. I'm just hoping it'll pass soon.

I've been here for two hours typing this, after spending days drafting it.
I'll try to comment on everyone's blogs later. My head is not working at all after writing this. I'm a wreck and I know I'm not making any sense, I'm sorry. I need this to episode to stop, and soon.
I'll try to keep my rambles to a minimum. I hope I can make a regular post tomorrow. I really can't explain myself right now.

I think I've figured out what's going on, if not why.
I've known it's not just anxiety or depression. I'm not going through a particularly rough time in terms of Anorexia thoughts, and it's not PTSD either. It's been something entirely new and scary.

I think I'm having a hypomania episode, which I don't think has happened before. I think it's what I've meant when I keep saying I'm losing my mind. I don't know what else it could be.
I'm not euphoric or having delusions of grandeur (I wish), and I'm not psychotic either. I'm somewhere in the middle: irritable & anxious, but it's more than just anxiety.
My thoughts are racing, in a million different directions and I can't seem to focus. I'm edgy, and I keep snapping at mum or breaking down in tears. I keep rambling on and on, it's like word vomit. I can't sleep more than 3 hours a night. I noticed the other day that I keep shaking or tapping my foot, which I've never done before. I can't explain it, but I do not feel like me at all. Something's just not right.

This is the best way to explain how I feel: I feel manic. I still don't know why. There was no trigger, it came entirely out of the blue. Its been nearly two weeks. Mum is very worried, she wants me to get help with it. I've struggled with mental illness my entire life, but I've never had a manic episode (except for drug-induced psychosis, which this is most definitely not). It's entirely new, and it's very scary. I

I don't think I'll be posting for a day or two. I simply am not in the mind to. I'm hoping it'll just pass soon, but I do not feel like myself right now at all.

Things are not good. I'm still not sleeping. But that's because my mind's been running too fast for me to shut my eyes. I just can't relax, my mind is running for no reason and I can't get my thoughts straight. I'm thinking about everything and nothing. It's driving me mad. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I'm so on edge it's unbelievable. I want to cry all the time and I often do. I've been getting angry at the smallest things and self harming every day. My thoughts are erratic, and I feel like I've been making absolutely no sense. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I don't even know exactly what I'm feeling. I started feeling this way last Tuesday or Wednesday, and I haven't slept more than 3 hours a night since. It's been nearly two weeks. I thought it was because it was the week before Christmas, but it didn't go away. There was no trigger and there is no end, it's a constant 24/7 feeling. It just came out of the blue.
I am just edgy all the time, can't get my thoughts straight, my mind is running, I'm jittery, I can't focus, I can't sleep, I can't even relax, and it's making it worse. I feel like I'm completely losing my mind. There's no reason to be feeling this way, whatever 'this way' is.

I'm sorry that I'm just making no sense at all lately. I don't know what's going on. I'm trying to explain what's going on but I really don't know. And now I'm crying again. Fuck. It's not normal anxiety. I've ever felt like this before. I'm losing my mind.

I only realised yesterday that I've been slowly losing weight for 2-3 months now. It just hadn't sunk in yet that I'm actually losing weight again.
I looked back through one of my little notes, and my last gain/upwards fluctuation was one week in September for no apparent reason, and it went back down the following week. Since then, I've been losing weight most weeks, with a handful of times where it's stayed the same.

It seems surreal. The past few weeks I've been able to see and feel the difference. And when I look back at pictures from only a few months ago, I can definitely see a change.
I'm going to get on the scales at home soon, for an accurate weight (I doubt I'd be more than 100lb/BMI 13, when I think about it). I just need to make sure my head's in the right place before I see a number. I also need to re-measure soon - I have a feeling my waist is whittling very close to the 20" mark.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to laugh and cry and scream, all the same time. Self harm has become a daily event again, as have panic attacks and breakdowns.
Restricting is the only thing keeping a slim grip of my sanity. It's my only relief, that I'm slowly shrinking.
I am so very tired of everything.


xxBella

"You've gone down 0.3kg"

I don't believe it either.

I was certain I'd have gained weight. Even though I know, logically, that I didn't eat enough to gain, it still feels like I should have.

I keep going over and over in my head what I ate on Christmas Day. It feels like I'm missing something, though I've never 'missed' something. Surely, I must've eaten more.
Half a savoury muffin, a mini croissant, two small pancakes (one with jam, one with syrup).
A single Ferrero Rocher in the afternoon.
1/4 chicken breast with no skin, two baby potatoes and half a carrot - all roasted in oil and covered in gravy, mind you.

I ate unsafe foods on four days last week, and couldn't be 100% accurate with my calories as I normally am.  For accuracy, I would've had to prepare my own food separately, which was against the point. But even still, I certainly didn't eat over 1,500 on any given day.

It was a very long morning waiting for my appointment. I still only slept 3 hours last night. I'm considering taking my temazepam, but they make me hallucinate so I avoid them.
I didn't eat before my appointment, though I did allow myself 4 cups of coffee instead of just one.

She asked me if I had my OBs done on Sunday, and I told her I still hadn't. I only have two weeks left on my mirtazapine script though, so I need to get a wriggle on to seeing a GP. It'll either be this Sunday, or the 6th of January. Either way, I'm fucked.
What does it change, anyway, if I get my OBs done? It'll just make people panic even more, and I still won't care.

Things are falling apart. I can't wait for the New Year. Mum wanted me to wait until after the busy season before I started looking more seriously into getting my own place, and it's just around the corner now.

My weight's been slowly going down for over two months now, and the last time I gained was a week in September. I don't want to lose a lot or quickly, I just want to know that I'm constantly wasting away.

xxBella

Return to Normality

I've been losing my mind this past week. Each day is worse than the last. I think I may have snapped to some extent. I'm done.

Done,done,done.

The silly season is officially over for me. I won't be doing the 'eat, drink & be merry' thing again for quite some time.

I had three hours sleep again last night. I really hope I can get a better sleep tonight - I'm going to take some doxylamine and hope it helps. I haven't slept properly all week. I'm still unable to relax, but more depressed than anxious today.

I'm back down to under 500 calories. Those numbers just keep cutting back, don't they?

And I'm not too sure how I feel about my weight right now. My chest and shoulders feel bonier, but my arms are definitely bigger. I'd been slowly going down for several weeks, but sometimes I feel it and sometimes I don't. I just can't tell, though the scales will over the next few weeks.

Since Tuesday was Christmas Day, I'm seeing my dietician tomorrow instead. However, she only works in the afternoon on Thursdays, so my weigh-in is at 1pm. I have no idea if I should eat/drink before being weighed tomorrow. Normally I don't, as I usually get weighed at 8am, and I can deal with waiting 3-4hrs for my first coffee one day a week. But the afternoon makes it a much longer haul.  

Whatever I do, I need to eat/drink the exact same things next week for another 1pm appointment due to New Years. I guess I'll figure it out in the morning.

xxBella

Christmas Wrap-Up

I'm so sleep deprived from the past week, I'm having trouble piecing time together. I've been so anxious, constantly on edge. It's really been like a week-long panic attack. I've had far too much to do, and insomnia came back with a vengeance  I can't even close my eyes, and I can't explain how I'm feeling. I've barely slept all week, and spent countless hours cooking & cleaning. Last night, I got two hours sleep after staying up for over 24hrs. It's now 12:30am, the day after Christmas. I'm completely fucking wrecked, the past week has been truly horrific. It's a miracle I made it through today without going completely psychotic and throwing food around, really.

My new display picture

I'm going to post a proper update tomorrow when I'm more rested, but for now I'm just going to keep it holiday-related.
I felt pretty today, having put on make-up for the first time in months.
Since I had people calling me 'healthy' after I posted my hair dye pic, I decided to change my Facebook profile picture for Christmas. I'm so tired of seeing that picture, remembering those words.
My chestbones are more visible lately, like bam, whereas I've stuggled to see them in the past.

Flouncing around in my second-favourite apron

As I've mentioned before, I'm cooking for Christmas again this year, eating for the first. Everything I made was horribly disappointing.
We'd decided to do two meals today instead of three. A roast in the afternoon, as is traditional, and a buffet brunch (which I've never done before). I'd also done a lot of baking in the last few days, though I won't post them all.



Brunch
I made a buffet brunch for our first meal. We had:

• Bacon, Cheese & Chive Muffins
• Ham & Cheese Croissants
• Nutella-Stuffed French Toast
• Sausages & Bacon



Brunch... Everything went wrong, and
close-ups weren't worth it

• Pancakes (with whipped cream, whipped butter, cinnamon sugar, strawberry jam & maple syrup)

Roast

Later in the afternoon, I made a roast.

• Garlic & Thyme Roasted Chicken, with stovetop stuffing, trussed (I'm quite proud, though last year's looked better)
• Roasted Carrots & Potatoes with stuffing, garlic cloves & thyme springs
• Homemade Gravy
• Crusty Vienna Sourdough

Baking

I have spent ridiculous amounts of time baking in the last week. There have been plenty of cookies and nibbles, though I do have two honorable mentions:

• Pa's Chocolate Sponge



Pa's Chocolate Sponge



Choc Mint Cheesecake

• This was a huge achievement. I swear, my grandfather had been looking down on me and laughing. He used to bake us a sponge every week up until 1-2 years before he passed away. This was my first ever success at his recipe, after years of failures that had sunk or cracked. I was so happy, I could've cried.
• My Great Aunt's Choc Mint Cheesecake
•  This isn't a hard recipe at all, but they just looked gorgeous. I made them in bread roll tins, which were the same shape as a cheesecake dish. Topped with peppermint cracknel and whipped cream. Too bad I don't like cheesecake.

I didn't get to try a lot of the things I cooked - in fact, a lot of them I don't even like.

I've put in marathon efforts in the kitchen, pushing myself far too much. But my family have very much enjoyed being spoiled rotten this week with their favourite recipes. I've been so busy, I didn't even get the chance to get excited about Christmas, and I never want to see food again.

OMG YES

As for presents? I got the World's coolest toy - a customizable Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. Yes, you heard!

My brother gave it to me - he is seriously awesome (last year he gave me WoW gold, shortly before I quit). I opened the stand for it first, and saw the word "Aperture" on it. I leapt off the couch, and started jumping up and down screaming "OH MY GOD! PORTAL GUN, PORTAL GUN, PORTAL GUN!". 

I mean, come on. It's pretty damned awesome.

PORTALGUNPORTALGUNPORTALGUNPORTALGUN

The gamer in me has really come back out today. Portal was one of my favourite games, and I'm going to be re-playing it tomorrow (probably twenty times). My endlessly-awesome brother, upon telling him I hadn't played Portal 2 yet, bought me Portal 2. So, if I go AWOL for a few days, you'll know where I'll be. I've always been very obsessive in everything I do, and gaming is certainly no exception. I need a distraction more than anything right now.

I'm majorly tired. I'm looking at a beautiful crash back to 500 calories tomorrow, filled with sleep and gaming no doubt. I'm so glad the week's over, and I'm utterly dreading my weigh in on Thursday, though any excess weight will be gone within weeks - I guarantee. I think I've completely snapped this week.

I'll update properly tomorrow - I'm just not functioning right now at all.

 Ladies, I'm exhausted. Tomorrow could not come soon enough - the return to normality, restriction and regularity.

xxBella

I'm mashing my 'self-destruct' button as fast as I can.
I'm being pushed over the edge with Christmas. There's a reason I haven't eaten at Christmas before, and nor will I be doing it again. It's just all way too much. I'm complete wreck.
I'm sorry I keep disappearing for a few days here and there. I just can't bring myself to write most days. I'm falling apart.

I've drunk the last two nights, after 8 months of not.
Don't wanna talk about it. Won't be drinking again for another 8 months.

And now I've got to prepare everything for tomorrow. Fuck.
On Wednesday I'm not eating more than 500, and it will just keep going lower . I've done too much damage already with alcohol.

I'm a mess right now.
I need Christmas to be over, like I need fucking air in my lungs.

I'm sorry this is such an unstructured post. I've fallen off the edge.

Pushing limits

I've decided to throw caution to the wind this week. I'm not going to be super careful with my carbs, which I think I can afford with a higher calorie day next week. So I might come in with a few less calories too, but nothing too severe. I'm just tired of having to make sure I get my carbs in.
I'm also finding that I'm adjusting to lower calorie limits quickly, which isn't that surprising, but it isn't such a good thing either. I'm worried I'm going to have trouble trying to put my intake back up higher than 600 next week. If anything, it should be going much lower. I'm just tired of it all.

A little random food-related achievement for the past few days: I've located super-thin sliced wholemeal bread. It comes in around 22 grams a slice, for 51 calories (sometimes a gram or two either way). Bread just became so much safer.

Mum started buying Christmas groceries today. Panic sequence: initiate. But as long as I stick to my rules I'll be fine, even if it results in minor weight gain.
I've got a time plan drafted up, so fingers crossed I can keep my baking to one day only. I'm going to post a list in a few days of what I'm cooking Monday-Tuesday. I may even be drinking a glass of wine or two... I haven't had a drink in 8 months!

Wish me luck, ladies. In all regards.
xxBella

Fun fact: I have horribly uneven collarbones

I conveniently cropped out my psycho-bitch
scratched-up forehead

And so it is Christmas...

So, I don't think more calories is happening this week. I'd much rather stay at 5-600 calories for another week, to make up for one day of eating unsafe foods at Christmas (not necessarily huge amounts of, mind you). I'm accepting that I'll probably gain at my weigh-in on the 27th, but hopefully only temporarily.

My family don't do much for Christmas, or any holidays really. Mum's always said "it's just another day", and it really is for us. She thinks it's a sad time, as my father isn't here (nor do we have extended family). But I want to make the most of it, you know? I don't want it to be such a sad day any more, silently grieving for our deceased family members and not spending time together. I want to make it a day to spend with the little family-of-three we do have left, before it becomes a family-of-two. So I will be cooking a roast and a few baked treats for my family, and I hope I'm able to partake.

I never eat huge portions, regardless of what it is. I'm thinking maybe half a roasted chicken breast with some vege & gravy for Christmas lunch, if that. The tiniest pieces of baked goods, only one of each. It's not so much the calories, as it is to being able to know exactly what's in my serve. So usually it's easier to avoid it altogether, but I think I'm going to try and eat the same food as my family this Tuesday.

Last year, I cooked the same roast that I am this year. After 8hrs+ in the kitchen, plus making baked treats in the days before, what did I eat? Keep in mind that I currently eat 600 calories on an average day, whereas both of these times I was sticking to my 'usual' fifty calories on an average day.
150 calories on the day. 66 calories of those for Christmas lunch. My lunch was 30g of plain chicken (not my amazing roast), 10.1g frozen mini roast potatoes, and 1 tsp instant gravy. I didn't get to eat any of the foods I'd cooked, but rather the weighed-and-safe alternatives.
The year before that, I fasted on herbal tea for the week.

So I'm going to spend Monday baking some of my family's favourite recipes, and cook an elaborate roast on Tuesday. I'm anxious as fuck about it already, but hopefully it'll go okay. I'm going to try to keep the 'eating' part to Tuesday, unless Monday brings otherwise. But I think I'm going to stick to under 600 every other day to try to minimize any weight damage, and hopefully get it back down the following week. After that, we'll start looking at going back to 800... maybe.

Good luck to all of you with whatever challenges the holidays may bring this year.
I can't relate to many of them, as we've never had big family Christmases, or ridiculous amounts of food 'because it's Christmas'. We don't have Halloween or Thanksgiving, we don't celebrate Easter, and like I said Christmas is quite a non-event. So I really don't know of the family or food-related anxiety that comes with holidays.
But I hope that you all make it through safely, however you're spending it.

xxBella

I nearly didn't make it to my appointment today. In fact, I'd gone back to bed in a flurry of tears. After some nudging from mum, I ended up going to the appointment 5 minutes late. My dietician said she was wondering why I wasn't there yet (usually we're there before here), and that she'd be very worried if I didn't show up one week.
Understandable, after having seen her for six months now, first appointment every Tuesday without fail.

My mood's been plummeting at a rapid rate this past week. I just don't see the point in even talking any more, so I guess I haven't been online as much. The last three days have been spent sobbing non-stop. I really don't want to talk about why.

I told her my intake had gone down to 600 - still the same amount of carbs, but practically non-existent protein and fats. After a lecture on the dangers on inadequate protein intake, we went down the hall to the scales. My weight had dropped - hallelujah.

So I made it through the week without a hypoglycemic fit, just. On Sunday, I got very dizzy, lost my vision and started shaking. I made it to a chair just in time. I don't think mum noticed, and I of course said nothing.
Yesterday was very hard. I ate my usual breakfast at 8am, and sat in bed crying my eyes out for the next 12 hours. By which point I had racked up quite the carb-debt from skipping so much. I just couldn't eat enough to get it in. I had a bowl of rice for some dense carbs, and went to bed barely making 400 calories for the day.

I'm trying to put my intake back up to around 7-800, and my dietician really wants me to as well, but I don't know how it'll go. I don't want more.
I just need to fade away.

xxBella

It's been raining all morning. It's lovely, and so calming, especially after a few days of 30+ degree heat.

It was far too hot yesterday to make soup, so I tried some new multigrain thin rice cakes for lunch (so yummy!). Today, I've just made up a batch of noodle soup (filini soup noodles, carrot, peas, parsnip, onion, garlic, stock, pepper, parsley & rosemary) which smells divine. A beautifully safe 105 calories, if I do say so myself.

I'm weighing everything now and have been for a couple of months, nothing is being measured by volume. Herbs and spices, pepper, the cinnamon in my oatmeal, are all being weighed in my little pill cups. Obviously they don't contribute huge amounts of calories, but that's not the point. I'm completely obsessed with precision. It's also much easier to measure things like water (for oatmeal) by weight too, I've learnt.

I'm currently resisting the urge to buy a fourth set of kitchen scales. I have one set of scales that measure in 1g, up to 5kg. I also have two sets of scales that measure to 0.1g, but only have a 250g capacity. I used to have some that measured to 0.01g, very precise, though they broke about a year ago. I'm considering buying another super-precise set, but that could lead to trouble.

Today is my third day under 600. I'm going to be mad if I don't lose weight this week. I'm eating only trace amounts of protein & fat, to make my essential carbohydrates more bearable. I'm avoiding hypoglycemia by the skin of my teeth, but at least I'm avoiding it.

Thank you to everyone who've left me such wonderful comments in the past couple of weeks. You ladies mean the world to me <3

xxBella

Hospital-free for a year

A year ago today, I left hospital for the last time (so far). A section had fallen flat on it's face, and I walked free. Since then, I've successfully dodged hospital and psychiatrists.

Since my first psychiatric inpatient admission at age 15, I haven't been 12 months without hospital (either inpatient at various units, or general hospital for ED-related issues). 2011 was completely hectic with six admissions in a year and two sections/Involuntary Treatment Orders. I've been counting down the days to my 'year without hospital'!

Last November and December, I had two admissions in a very short time. I'd had no more than one weak black coffee each day for two weeks, and on my presentation to Accident & Emergency I had blood sugar levels of 2.2 and very low blood pressure which were the cornerstones of my stay.

Room with a view
Looking out over Geelong, towards the bay

I was endlessly, constantly hooked to IVs - two lines at once in A&E. Dextrose, Potassium, Saline, Magnesium. They froze me from the inside out, the bags presumably stored next to the stephoscopes.

You've all heard of the horrible psychiatrist. I've written about what he said/did before, so I won't repeat it all here, but this was where he came in. He was always head-to-head with my endocrinology team, and they never agreed on a thing. My medical team were lovely, as were the nurses. They'd praise me for eating 1/4 of an English muffin for breakfast, instead of an 1/8th, while my psychiatrist would yell at me, getting angry and telling me I wasn't really trying.
"You're playing Brinkmanship"

My first admission was voluntary, for about a week and a half. The psychiatrist let me do my own thing mostly, and didn't really do much though I had to see him every day. One day, I told him that the endos wanted me to have more overnight dextrose drips. He protested, saying that he was putting it on record that he didn't agree with it, that it was like "giving a credit card to someone with a gambling problem". If I couldn't keep my blood sugars up myself, I don't deserve a drip. I discharged myself, my doctors warning me I'd be back within a week.

I was at the GP three times in five days before she sent me back to hospital, unable to walk more than 10 steps. I fought it the whole way, and the psychiatrist in A&E sectioned me. I cried, I wanted to go home. He told me I belonged in the psychiatric ward, and I cried more. The endo team fought him, saying I was too unstable (at this point, I had two IVs at once - I'd had to have them removed to go to psychiatric). The IVs stayed and I was put back on the medical ward under an Involuntary Treatment Order, en route to the EDU in Melbourne once a bed became available.

I cried a lot, and the psychiatrist yelled even more. The nurses were wonderful. They'd sit next to me and hug me while I cried about the horrible psychiatrist. Many of the nurses remembered me from the February admission, and it made me feel at home. I was wheelchair-bound of both admissions, and still had to have stable blood sugars to be wheeled downstairs for a cigarette. One nurse in particular, bribed me with going downstairs in my chair, if I ate a slice of toast so I wouldn't hypo off the wing.
"Do I have to eat the whole slice? Or just a quarter?"
"I think you should eat all of it."
On the second admission, the psychiatrist (wrongly) told me I couldn't leave the wing, whereas on my previous section I could if I was escorted. Sometimes the nice nurses would let me boyfriend wheel me downstairs on a 15 minute time limit, unbeknownst to the psych. I'd set a timer and hold on to the chair, and we would speed through the halls while I pre-rolled cigarettes.

 The story with the section? He had the weekend off, and was to organize someone to review me within 24 hours. Long story cut very short, he didn't. I was there for four days, sectioned. When he realized I hadn't been reviewed, it took a couple of days for him to figure out where I stood legally. Since I hadn't been reviewed, the section lapsed, and I walked free. Just like that.
"What's the plan?" I asked him, when he told me this
"No plan."
I discharged myself Against Medical Advice that evening, signing forms I'd never seen before.

It was a miracle, truly. I feel so lucky. It hadn't happened in the history of the hospital, to have a section 'lapse'. I was on my way to inpatient and force-feeding and 20kg+ weight gain, and I walked free. And I could keep starving. I'd never be so lucky for it to happen again, but I'm so grateful it did. It was the most amazing feeling, to magically be no longer sectioned.


And here I am a year later. Still running, avoiding doctors and hospitals and psychiatrists. Mum's said to me countless times, that I should be in hospital. But I never want to see a psychiatrist again, as long as I can help it. Fingers crossed I can keep having such a good run.

xxBella

Do, or do not do. There is no try.

I'm not going to sit here and cry about my weight not dropping. Why? Because there's no one to blame but me. So I'm gonna fix it.

I'm not feeling much better today, but I made myself half useful this morning and made a batch of soup. Tomato & basil, with carrot and celery and things. Very, very yummy. So that's lunch sorted for 50 calories a cup, with a side of crispbread and maybe an apple.
I will never not love soup and salads.

I'm going to cut it fine with my carbs today, but I think I'll be alright as long as I don't have breakfast late tomorrow. I'll come in a little under 600 today, which is just wonderful considering 500 is my minimum. I doubt I'll be doing much else today, but I'm going to try to get some cleaning done tomorrow. It's just one of those days where all I want to do is lie in bed (okay, so that's most days).

I will have my weight drop next week. No room for tears or complaining, just improvement. If I don't lose weight at my next weigh-in, all hell will break loose. There are no excuses.

Oh, and I'm going to try to get to the GP for a walk-in appointment on Sunday morning. I've been trying to get there for a couple of weeks, but I'm really hoping this week will be the week I can get there. I'll leave in tears, I always do, but I still need to get my OBs taken at least for my dietician's sake.


Love to you all, sorry I'm bouncing all over the place with my moods lately.
xxBella

Unhappy people do reckless things...

My spark fizzled out over the weekend, and depression came flooding in. So I floated away and ignored the world for a little, only to come crashing back for today's appointment.

My weight was exactly the same this week. I don't want to talk about it. I just need to work harder. Eat less. Much less. It's embarrassing.

I'm hoping I'll have my weight headed in the right direction before the year's out. There's no need to over-complicate it: I just need to eat less. And so eat less I shall.

Sorry for such a short post. I'm just so very tired, and so very sad.

xxBella

...

I'm yearning to get this weight off.
I need people to stop telling me that I look healthy.
"Really healthy", even.

I always find that rings are a good indicator of weight loss. I was given a black diamond ring a couple of years ago, and when I put it on, it was a snug fit. I broke down, swearing that one day it would fit on my thumb. It did eventually, until it fell off and I lost it.

At the moment I only have one ring, and I haven't been able to take it off in nearly a year. Until today.
After so long of punching walls and the like, the knuckles on my right hand (several fingers and one on my  hand) are kinda deformed and mis-shaped. And one day early this year, the finger that my ring was on got injured (at the same weight I'd maintained most of the year). Ever since, I could pull and twist at my ring, but it wouldn't come over my permanently-swollen knuckles for love nor money.
Today, though, it just came off. And I put it on my left hand instead - it looks much nicer.

I'm not 100% sure that it's an indicator of weight loss, or just a coincidence. My knuckles still feel 'locked' and look strange, so I doubt that the problem's mysteriously fixed itself.
My weight had dropped for three weeks in a row, until last week when it stayed the same. However, I'm hoping that was just food/water weight, and it'll drop again this week. I'm having a slightly lower intake next week anyway, just for a 'boost'. I need my weight to go down now, and I need it to go down a lot. I just want to tear off my skin. I'm far too big, and much too much. Until no one can tell me I look 'healthy'. I won't stop until they do.
It's needs to go. I need to go.

No being productive today. Right now I'm sat in bed, procrastinating the massive amounts of lettuce I need to wash and dry.

Currently drinking anywhere between 4-5 liters (16-20 cups) a day, sometimes more. At least 3-4 liters (12-16 cups) of that is from black coffee. It's insane.

Beat the heat

It's 37 degrees today. Only a few days ago, it was 18. Sigh. Hypothermia to risking heatstroke all in a matter of days! Ah, Australia.

xxBella

I feel so light and floaty lately. It's lovely.

Yesterday after I skipped lunch, I spent the following few hours in bed smoking (I had an anxiety attack making my sandwich and ran into hiding). The light-headed, dizzy, empty feeling from skipping a meal changed. It effects me more when I haven't eaten enough. Hunger feels like power, and sickness feels like freedom. The world doesn't exist.

I got a much nicer picture of my hair today. The wind was also being super convenient. It's such a nice deep burgundy.

I posted it on Facebook to try and interact with people more, and got some good feedback. One creepy guy (who I used to hang out with) sent me seedy messages, and one bitch said I look "really healthy". I deleted that comment so no one would get any ideas. I'm sorry that my face doesn't look as underweight as the rest of me, and that I carefully chose a picture that doesn't accentuate my weight issues. I want my fucking cheekbones back.
Apart from that, all the feedback was good.

So I'm feeling semi-confident about myself today. I don't know, I just feel good. I've actually been slightly productive (i.e, not in bed all day) the past couple of days, and I feel good in myself. Fingers crossed I can get a few more good days before I crash into a heap.

xxBella

"I''ve been thinking about changing the proportions of salad in my sandwiches." I announce, as if a life changing decision

"Really?" replies mum, lending the topic equal importance

Bless her for humouring my pathetic life.

This is the perfect example of my days, why I have nothing to post about. Mum listens with great patience, but I don't fool myself into thinking that anyone actually wants to know why my 28g of carrot and 25g of lettuce should be changed. Though these are the great problems of the world to me currently.

I'm trying to be half-way useful this week, and actually do things. Yesterday I actually made three proper meals for the first time in weeks, and even managed to stay out of bed for most of the day whilst slowly attacking my to-do list. This morning I kept myself busy for a few hours, dying my hair. I used to do it every month, but I've only bothered twice in the past year. Hell, it's lucky to get brushed most days.

December 2011

December 2012 (today)

It's not looking great. It's gradually become flatter and thinner over the past year. Mum & I had both noticed in the past few months that my hair is thinning out, but looking at the comparison pictures really drove it home today. It's barely grown in the past year (I haven't cut it), and it has no volume to it any more. The other big realisation, was when I needed only one pack of hair dye - not two like normal.

For now, I'm off to float away on my pillow after a long day. I just want to float.

xxBella

Slipping Away

Everything's too much. I'm not coping. I haven't done anything all week because I'm too overwhelmed by life. My grand plans of being productive have been abandoned daily, sulking back to bed after breakfast. Every day I've tried to write a post, but there's just nothing to say. My words are pointless. At least on Tuesdays I have an appointment to talk about.

My weight stayed the same this week. I was the only one not completely overjoyed. I spent most of the appointment in tears and left mid-panic attack, as has become the norm again. After I left, she asked mum to tell me to think about having a chat before getting weighed next week. So that might be worth a try, but I never have anything to say until I know what's happened with my weight. Sigh.

I'm having trouble resisting the urge to do something drastic to guarantee a loss next week. But my stomach's been in knots all morning and I feel a bit bloated, so hopefully that'll resolve itself by next week and the number will drop. When I was putting my intake up, I always waited two weeks to get consistent results before changing much. So I'm trying to apply the same logic, and wait for two weeks of no loss before I lower my intake. I can't lower it much more without only eating fruits and vege, and even then I can't go below 500 calories. I feel bad, because I want less food, but at the same time I don't want it to be just fruit & vege. I'd be more than happy to live on nonfat yoghurt, but if I did that I'd either need to eat over 900 calories, or be hypoglycemic the next morning. Carbs are the only essential in my mind, and I feel so goddamn bad every time I eat something with significant protein or fats. Sorry I'm rambling.

Still no OBs/GP this week. Purely due to the fact that I'm not really functioning. I'm blocking everything out and spending my days in bed. My to-do list got too long and I panicked and shut down. My days are speeding by in a blur of tears and sleep and panic attacks. I'm still not cooking proper dinners, most nights I've had toast with Vegemite. I don't have the energy to deal with anything, mentally or physically. I think depression is seeping back into the limelight. I just want to be invisible. I'm so embarrassed to be me.

All my love to you wonderful girls. Sorry I'm being so horrible with not posting or commenting. I'm really going to try to make at least one post between now and next Tuesday, even if I have nothing to say. I'm going to catch up on comments later today or tomorrow. A thousand and one hugs to all of you who are struggling.

xxBella

(I don't own this pic, but it's definitely relevant)

Dear World: go away.

I've spent the past week avoiding everything. Hiding in my room, taking constant naps, curtains shut. Pathetic. I haven't cooked a proper meal in a week. Sigh.

So it's Tuesday. I've lost more weight this week, though I still don't know how much. Enough for it to be certain weight loss and a concern, apparently. "Hospital is looming" she says, if I keep losing weight. My dietican, mum and I all share the goal of keeping me out of hospital. However, they want to avoid the need to go to hospital. I just want to avoid it, regardless of need. If that means running and dying alone, so be it.

After she weighed me and we got back to her office, she looked at me and said "What do you think I'm going to say?", whereas normally she'd tell me if my weight's gone up or down. I spent most of the appointment in tears, still keeping my head down except for when she asks to see my eyes. I've always been horrible with eye contact. Of course since I've been hibernating, I didn't get my OBs done this week (cancelled Saturday's appointment). I feel so horrible every time I have to tell her that I still haven't seen a doctor.

There was lots of talk about hospital. She said if my weight keeps dropping, I'm gonna end up there again, and they're going to make me gain weight. Like I said, I'm avoiding hospital at all costs. I would rather die than have to face any of that again. I'm still exploring my options for moving out, and I really need to get onto it soon. The appointments tend to blur. There was lots of talk about OBs, doctors, hospital, weight. At one point she said "...unless mum takes you into Emergency to get OBs..." I sprung out of my chair and walked to the car in tears. My last GP gave me an ultimatum of "I'm calling an ambulance, unless your mum takes you straight to Emergency." I will not be cornered like that again. So I run.

Mum (who stays to wrap-up after I panic) told me that she still wants me to come back next week, even if I haven't had my OBs done. I just feel like a huge disappointment, I'm such a waste of her time. I told her that I feel like I need to lose weight, that my friend keeps calling me healthy, that I can't stop it. I'm just in a different place to where I've been the last 6 months. Que sera sera.

On an upside, I'm noticing physical differences from the weight loss already. My leggings are looser, and I have a new concave forming on my side/back that I haven't noticed before My fingers now overlap when wrapped around the very top of my thigh, so I guess that's something. And my shoulders feel less 'flabby' which is lovely. I think I'm noticing things like this quicker at a lower weight, maybe because there's less to get rid of.

Sorry I haven't been commenting all week, but I've still been reading everyone's posts. I'll get back on track with commenting tomorrow when I have a little more energy.

xxBella

Side - taken this morning

\Stopping running has been so worth it for
slimming down that muscle!

Who holds the key that can set us free?.. It's You.

I'm floating along today, aiming for under 600 calories. I've just had a lovely bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, cooked with mashed banana, wheat bran, cinnamon & Stevia, for 130 calories. I've finally found a way to eat bananas - I just don't like them raw! I've also had 6 cups of coffee (48oz) for another 15 calories so far. I feel great having lost some weight this past week, and I really want to keep it up.

I've never lost weight eating this much. My first time losing a lot of weight (from 75kg to 43kg), I ate maybe 100-150 calories. Last time, I dropped from 66kg to 41kg (loss of 25kg / 55lb) in about four months, when I cut straight back down to 50 a day without fail. 

Then after hypoglycemia came into the picture this time last year, my intake's gone up a lot. I need to make sure I get at least 120g carbohydrates a day to keep my blood sugars stable. Do the math - with carbs being 4 cal/gram, I need to eat a bare minimum of 480 cals if I live on pure carbs. And very few things (even fruit and vege), have zero protein or fats, so there's more calories. 

Most days I'm still having normal foods, which is why I'm at 800. Breakfast is usually oatmeal with fruit, lunch is a cheese & salad sandwich with a side of peaches. In the afternoon, I make a fruit salad of strawberries, watermelon & cantaloupe - size depending on how many more carbs I'm going to need (or a nonfat yoghurt, if I can 'afford' the protein). For dinner, my standby is a small piece of hoki with oven-fries and salad, or a baked potato with salad. I treat myself a little after dinner, and have either a Special K bar or a fat-free chocolate Snack Pack. My choices depend on what else I've eaten, and how many carbs I need. Example, I can't have fish for dinner if I've had yoghurt in the afternoon. Too much protein = not enough carbs = hypoglycemia (or having to eat over 800 - hell no).

Today I'm having oatmeal again for lunch, and a baked spud for dinner. I should come out just shy of 600, which is fantabulous at the moment. Mum's gone away for a couple of nights, so I'm just being lazy. I don't particularly want to have fish for dinner or cheese at lunch, but my family appreciate the normality of it. I don't (never have, never will) lie to my family about what I do and don't eat, I've never felt the need to. 

Mum actually asked me a couple of months ago, if I was purging again. I went completely batshit at her and screamed and cried about "why would you think that!? You know I've never hidden anything like that! If I was purging, I'd have told you."  Considering I woke everyone up when I was sick the other night, I'm pretty damn sure she'd know if I was purging, haha.

I'm going to weigh myself in a week or two. My leggings are hanging off me now, baggy as hell. Mum said they look like trackies. I definitely feel like I've lost a kilo or two, but the scale shall tell the tale.

xxBella

Dietician update

My weight dropped again this week, which was kinda surprising, but kinda not. My dietician said that now she's concerned, as my weight's made a pattern of dropping every week. She asked if I'd had my OBs done, and obviously I haven't. She said that she feels negligent, and she can't keep seeing me without my medical issues being addressed. I didn't say much the whole appointment. My head just hangs down, face quivering, holding back tears. Quiet as a mouse for the few words I did say.

She asked mum if she'd noticed any changes in me at home, and apparently I've been a lot quieter. That's not such a bad thing, though. I need to shut my stupid fat mouth more often anyway. I spent the whole appointment just feeling like a huge disappointment, resisting the urge to run out in tears. She said to mum "...as her carer, you need to book an appointment with one of the GPs before you leave". (Basically, I've been on a Disability Pension since I was 16 - mum is also legally my Carer). I have an appointment on Saturday morning. Whether I go or not, remains to be seen.

The rest of the day at home was spent in awkward silence, intercepted with brief conversation and panic attacks. Mum went back to bed until lunch. I spent the morning cooking, and fell apart in the afternoon. It was just one of those days. I don't really have intention of going to see the GP. Apart from the fact my intake's going down and I need to get this weight off - and therefore there's no point in going to see a GP or going back to see my dietician - I don't know if I'd 'pass' my OBs anyway.

On Monday night, I had a bit of an episode of my blood pressure. I started feeling really dizzy and shaky, and had to lie down during dinner. My BP read 102/54. It should be more like 130/80. I've had issues with blood pressure for a while, and have been admitted a couple of times due to it. Anything under 60 diastolic, and mum's supposed to take me to the hospital. It came back up after half an hour, to about 110/70. I refuse to have my OBs checked, unless I'm sure they'll be fine. I am not getting cornered into hospital again.

It's currently 5:45am. I woke up at 3am, and began to be violently ill. As in, emptied-my-stomach-contents-in-10-seconds-flat, projectile vomiting. Lovely. Sorry for the TMI. I'm not sure what brought it on - could've been anything. Brother & Mum came running to check if I was okay. I feel better now, but I'm definitely not getting back to sleep - the sun's starting to rise!

Aiming for another week on 800. Might weigh myself next week, maybe the week after that. I couldn't be more than 46kg (101lb), which still keeps me under a BMI of 13.5. I'd like to lose another one or two kg before I weigh myself, but progress is progress. I just want it all gone now, but I know I need to pace myself. Somehow, I don't think I could handle losing weight that fast right now (last year I went from 66kg-41kg - a loss of 25kg/55lb in four months). Oh well. Slow and steady wins the race.


xxBella

Floating

It's Friday. I still haven't made a GP appointment. I've just been floating through my days, still and numb. I think I'm more quiet lately. There's not really a point in saying anything. There's nothing to say.

I'm not sure what to do with doctors. I'm definetly not seeing either of the GPs I've seen before. At the same time, I don't really want to see a new GP because of all the goddamn talking. I tried to see a new GP last month, and I left in a panic attack after 10 minutes because she just kept asking why I was seeing a new GP. We didn't even get to the "what's wrong?". Mum had a suggestion, though. Basically, I'm always the first appointment at the clinic on Tuesday mornings (8:10am, every Tuesday, for 5 months now, and booked until the end of the year - lucky her) and the waiting room is empty. There's two GPs who work Tuesday mornings, though they usually don't have appointments first thing. So mum suggested that we could ask my dietician & the girls at the desk if one of the GPs could come in just to quickly check my OBs during my regular appointment. It's a possibility but it makes me feel like a huge bother. Pfft, like I'm not already.

I told mum that it was just pointless to do any of it. My intake's falling back and I need to get this fucking weight off. I said it wouldn't be long until my dietician said she couldn't see me any more, if I'm just gonna do this. It'd be a waste of her time and it's easier for me just to cancel my appointments now, so I don't have to see how disappointed she'll be. Mum disagrees that she'll stop seeing me, but I don't know where she gets that from. I guess I'll see what happens next week.


A little off topic: Misty (my cat) caught a bird yesterday morning - twice. Normally it's up to my brother (though it was originally my ex-boyfriend's job) to take care of birds & rodents that she might catch. He wasn't home, and it was just my mum & I. Last time this happened, we were on the porch and mum screamed "Misty's got a bird! Misty's got a bird!" and I just screamed back "I don't know what to do!".
Yesterday, though, I jumped up and started chasing her around the yard. I'd taught Billy (my dog) to "go get the cat!" when they'd be playing lately. So I got him to chase her, and we eventually caught her and pried the bird out of her mouth. It flew off, but an hour later she got it again. Same routine, and it flew off again thank God.

Anyway, after jogging after her for a few short minutes, my heart rate hit 180+ and it was pounding out of my chest. I am so goddamn unfit. Over 9 weeks since my last run and feeling weaker by the day. The less I move, the less I am able to move. Three months ago I was on my feet all day and running an hour every day, and now I have to sit down to prepare anything in the kitchen and spend most of the day in bed.


Like I said, I really don't have anything new to say. Everything is just "same old story". Boring babbling bullshit. Sorry guys.

xxBella

Lying Down Thigh Gap

No OBs, No Appointment

Yesterday was my weekly weigh-in and appointment with the dietician. I stepped on the scales, and she told me I'd dropped down. We got back to her office, and she scrolled through the computer for a minute "it's the lowest it's been in a while, actually". Not exactly sure what that means. Maybe 46-47kg, maybe a tiny bit less than I started. Eyes fixed on the floor, that 'numb' feeling again, barely speaking. Mum told her that I'd been having two Ensures a day, and I break silence to say "it's just too much food".

Then she asks if I've been to a GP yet to have my OBs taken. I shake my head. How long have I been putting this off? "It was about 5 weeks ago that you tried to see the last GP?" Sounds about right. I had a GP appointment booked straight after the dietician a while ago, but panic set in and I left in tears. She tells me that it is really important that I get them done, so she knows I'm stable. Then, she drops a bombshell: I need to get my OBs done before I can see her next week.

She suggested that I see a GP I've seen before, so I don't have to really talk to them. That leaves me two options. I turned to mum and said that she could choose between them, because I didn't want to see either. I am crying - they both think I'm fat, neither of them think I'm sick.

Option A: The GP who I've seen the most recently - a total of maybe 5 appointments in the last year. She's the one who was a complete idiot, especially when I started seeing my dietician earlier this year. I went in and told her I wanted help to get better. "Oh, well you've made so much progress already - I can tell just by looking at you!" Bitch. FYI, I was actually going to gain a bit of weight before she said this. Nothing was a big issue. I walked out with no blood tests, no OBs taken, no referrals and no follow-up appointments. Though, she did say "let me know if I can be of help!" when I walked out "...can I have a hug?".  This pattern continued and I gave up.
Option B: My Family GP. Mum's been seeing him for over 25 years, and I saw him up until I was 18. I went into his office at 43kg (approx 12.7 BMI). Like many, I didn't feel able to speak up and ask for help. I told him about my troubles sleeping, and he told me to "exercise more". I'd already told him I workout 3-6 hours a day. I went home and exercised more - before being sectioned and rushed to hospital by an ED psychiatrist not a week later.

Mum and I talked about it yesterday. Neither of us has really come to a decision, so I guess I'll see what today brings. The dietician left me on 1,200 for another week, told me to keep drinking the Ensures if I can't eat the food, and told me my intake does need to go up if my weight keeps dropping.

But I've realised something. It's not the GPs who have it wrong - it's me. GPs don't think my weight's a big issue, because it isn't a big issue. If a GP can look at me and tell me I've made progress, or to exercise more, or if a friend can call me healthy... then I'm not thin enough. People said that to me when I weighed 50lb heavier, too. As long as people keep saying that to me, I will keep shrinking. Will a single-digit BMI stop people calling me healthy? Or do I have to be six-feet-under before it stops? Even then, I'm sure I'll still be the very picture of health.

Sorry this has droned on. I just feel hopeless. Going to the GP is just so daunting for so many reasons, but I'll try and get it sorted out today one way or another.

I honestly believe that I am far too big, and I eat far too much. This hadn't been the case for nearly 5 months. Yesterday's intake was 796 calories. Today is planned to come to 798 calories. I hope it's enough to get some weight dropping. I need to get it off.


xxBella

Still and Silent

Last night and today have been mostly spent sitting completely still, staring into space. Should you ask me how I'm feeling, I would probably say numb. Dead. I haven't cried. I haven't pouted. I haven't even been particularly anxious. I've just been spending a lot of time still and silent. Emotionless. Dead.

I cancelled my dentist appointment this morning. No. Just, no. Mum went instead for a check-up, so the appointment didn't go to waste. I spent the time pre-preparing my lunch and dinner, because it's too stressful and I feel to guilty to have mum preparing my food any more. I pull a barstool up to the bench, and I'm set. I can deal with it.

Facing my last Ensure in an hour. Then tomorrow, I put it in the cupboard, and I'm back down to 800 calories. Boom. Easy. There's method in my madness. Hopefully I'll see some weight loss on that.

Dietician tomorrow. Dreading it. I feel the need to cancel the rest of my appointments (first appointment of the day, every Tuesday morning, for the rest of the year), before she tells me it's a waste of her time for me to keep seeing her. I just don't want to deal with it, knowing how disappointed she'll be in me. The last few appointments, I've barely talked and had my eyes fixed on the floor. That numb feeling, again. Mum talks more than I do, which hadn't been the case lately. Mum knows the Ensure isn't going to be used much longer, and that I feel the need to lose weight, but she doesn't know that I'm going back to 800 tomorrow. So I guess it could be an interesting day.

The weather's warming up. Not long until summer. I walk a very fine line between hypothermia and heatstroke. Most days, I'm rugged up in unbelievable amounts of clothes and electric blankets, and even then  I'm cold. But once it gets around 25 degrees, boom, I'm at risk of heatstroke. I guess insulation is a two-way street. Feeling fresh after my bath this morning, I snapped a few quick pics. Note: I don't normally have this top tied up, but it's just a sack otherwise.

xxBella

I stand on furniture because we don't have
a full-length mirror. Don't tell Mum! ;-)

Two more days

I am far too big. And it is not okay. And it will stop.

I finished my grand 800 calorie meal plan today. It's perfect. I started using it straight away, though still with Ensures to bring me up to 1,200 calories. Unless something happens before Tuesday, I'm going to be dropping the Ensures and doing this for real as of then. I need to get this fucking weight off. I do not want to look 'healthy'. I want to look emaciated. Fuck healthy, fuck fat, fuck food. Sorry for the language. I just need to get this weight off. I need to.

I am chanting at the bit to get back to weight loss - Tuesday could not come soon enough. I want to drop my calories on a Tuesday (weigh day), so I'll be able to get a better view of my weight changes. Two more days, two more days. I can wait two more days. And then, I will shrink and I will not look healthy - not to anyone. I will get lower than I've ever been before.

I'm seeing the dentist on Monday, for the first time in quite a while. I don't dislike the dentist, but I do dislike leaving the house full-stop. And then the dietician on Tuesday. She's going to tell me it's a waste of time for me to keep seeing her if I drop my calories, I know it. And then I'll be alone.

Sorry for my consistently pointless ramblings. Come Tuesday, I'll be losing weight again and my ramblings won't be so pointless.

I. Am. Done.

xxBella

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I'm reading everyone's posts and I'm going to get on to commenting after this. Thanks to those who've been commenting - you guys mean the world to me.

Lately I've been floating through my days. It's quite nice, really. I have every meal and snack planned so I don't have to give a thought to what to eat. I'm just waiting for time to pass. I've hit a point where I've realised that there is really nothing I want to eat. It doesn't even matter what I eat, or if I eat. I feel like yelling Eureka! and laughing like a maniac. It doesn't matter!

I've started to add Ensure back into my meal plan. Less food. Currently I'm eating a little under 1,000, and having an Ensure to make up the other 200. I guess I'm just giving myself an 'adjusting' period. Cutting the first 200 calories was way too easy, and the next 200 will be quick and painless too. Starting on 800 next week - potentially still with Ensure. It'll be gone within two weeks though, at most. And then I just have to wait for the scales to start going down.

My appointment with my dietician on Tuesday was routine. My weight is remarkably unremarkable - exactly the same as it's been for the past 3-4 weeks. She asked if I'd seen a GP yet to get my heart/lungs/chest checked out, saying that it should really be a priority. I nodded slowly, eyes fixed on the floor. I really just don't care, to be honest - it doesn't matter. Then she mentioned raising my intake, just a little bit, to 1,300 or so. I just nodded, staring at the floor. We left it at 1,200 for this week. I'm certainly not going to jump up and down for more calories, especially when they're dropping very soon anyway. It's just too much. It doesn't matter.

While we were there, Mum made an appointment to see the dietician two hours later, so she's getting back on track. The other day, she kept asking about my calorie counting app (I use MyFitnessPal, for those of you wondering) and I showed her how it works. Anyway, I didn't think it would be the most useful thing for mum as she doesn't need to count calories - she just wants to keep track of her blood sugars and be able to look up carb content. Instead I found her a proper diabetes-targeted app to track her blood sugars and weight, and she quite likes it. She's also going to go buy a calorie & carb counter book from the newsagency. I've always loved those little books.


There's maybe two weeks until I start restricting again.

How low can I go?

xxBella

There's something in the air

I've spent the entire past week making various plans related to weight loss, and ignoring everything else. I'd made a weekly meal plan for my current 1,200 calories, so I haven't had to give a thought to what to eat, leaving lots of time for planning restrictions and cut backs. It feels somewhat surreal to be planning serious weight loss again after having maintained for so long, but it's in the air. It feels right.

I'm planning ahead so I can make sure I eat a somewhat sensible amount. Starting at 800 calories and eventually lowering to 500-600. I know that I can easily get enough in 800 to keep my blood sugars somewhat stable, which is my biggest concern really. I could do 5-600 if I am very careful about what I choose to eat (basically only fruit & vege), but I'm going to start slow, and definitely won't be able to go back as far as 50 calories again (both for blood sugars, and I don't need to lose weight that quickly). Slow and steady wins the race, and also doesn't fall into a hypoglycemic coma. I want to lose about 0.5kg/1 lb a week, so I should be able to achieve that if I'm maintaining on 1,200-1,300. In my first two weeks eating more, I lost weight both weeks on 800 calories, so I should easily be able to lose on it now.

Enough about numbers. For now.

My family are going into 'Weight Loss Mode' soon, as my Brother put it last night. I've mentioned briefly before, that both my Mum and Brother are overweight, and have health issues related to it. I'm a bit of a Nutrition Nazi and know it, so I keep my mouth shut unless I'm asked for advice. Mum sometimes asks me "how many carbs are in X?", or diabetes-related things like that, but I never comment or give advice unless asked. Since my brother was diagnosed with hypertension, the Nutrition Nazi in my head has been jumping up and down at his sodium intake.

Anyway, yesterday mum and I were sitting on the porch, and she mentions my brother's health. His blood pressure has been up again, he's still having trouble with his leg pain, his girlfriend is very tired of his snoring. The GP says that they're all weight related, and has been pushing exercise for a long time. But due to his leg pain he can't exercise, and the leg pain will only go away when he loses weight. Mum and I had a chat and I mentioned sodium to her, that a lower salt intake could help his blood pressure at least. Last night, my brother came into the kitchen as I was stacking my plate from dinner, and looks at the back of his pack of crumpets. "Ohhhhhh..." - 500mg sodium each. Then he looks at the jar of Vegemite, and I tell him it's surprisingly not that bad because he uses so little and it balances out a bit with the potassium. He said that it's damn-near impossible to stay under the sodium RDI on 2,500 calories. I agreed - it's very hard, but not impossible. His maintance calories are, indeed, around 3,000 while sedentary. For a shock comparison  my calories to maintain would be around 1,600 - if my metabolism were functioning correctly. If we both ate 2,500 calories, I would gain 1kg/2lb a week and he would lose 0.5kg/1lb a week.

I'm guessing the scales will be coming back out from hiding, at least sometimes. Mum is trying to 'get back on track' and my brother is looking at his diet for the first time. Either way, weight loss is in the air. I'm certainly not going to say that I'm going to restrict again because my family are dieting. I was planning to lose weight again anyway. I was going to wait another two months or so, but I'm having trouble waiting. Maybe one more week. I need to get plans and lists made and calculations done and make sure I've got a sustainable plan. The only trouble is, I don't know when to stop. I won't stop.

It's 32 degrees outside, and I'm sweating away in my dressing gown because I feel too fat to show myself right now. All my clothes make me look fat - I must've changed 10 times before resorting back to track pants. Everything is too much - I'm too much. My legs and hips seem to have doubled in size, I don't want anyone to see my stomach, and my arms are covered in flab. Everything is too much. I'm scaling my meal plan further and further back. Not on calories, just options. I have about four different dinner choices (fish, chicken, baked potato, caesar salad), and that's my most choice. I need less. Less choice, less guilt, less thought. I want to stop thinking about food so much - and the less choice I have, the less I need to think about it. Everything is too much.

Went to see my dietician yesterday, and got weighed. Maintained exactly - hooray. Another week on 1,200. She asked about a slow weight increase, but it was mostly just "you know what I'm going to say, and I know what you're going to say, so let's just leave it at that". Not happening. At the moment it's a fucking battle enough as it is to maintain. I feel like I'm eating way too much. At every meal, I'm convinced that I'm eating more than my mum or my brother, even though I know it's not true. I feel like I've gained a lot, even though I haven't gained at all. Everything is so overwhelming. I've been the same weight for so long, it's too 'normal' now, I think.

I'm still spending all of my time in bed, basically. I feel so damn lazy. I was generally pretty sedentary at home pre-ED, and never enjoyed physical activity or sports. But this year especially, my passion for fitness and running really came through. And I genuinely enjoy endurance running now, no matter what others may say. So I'm finding it hard to be so sedentary again. I still haven't gotten to a GP and my heart rate is still tachycardic. I just can't be bothered. I want to start running again in the new year, though, and I hope my heart rate's settled by then.

Speaking of the new year, I'm giving myself an 'exit' in two months time. If I still feel fat and unhappy after 6 months of eating 800-1,200 cals (potentially more by then), I'll throw in the towel and let myself go back to restricting and losing weight. It feels fucking pathetic, but I need to have something planned. At the moment I'm just floating in an awkward zone, and I hate it. At least this way, I know where I'm headed.

I can't believe it's Sunday already. The week's flown. Time flies when you're not doing much. My great achievement for this week, is having created an elaborate 8-page meal plan, with every option for things I can eat, and all the calories, and all the weights and details of what I eat. The big reason I made this, is because mum is still helping out, preparing most of my food, so this is a handy reference.

 I have a few options - but not too many - for each meal and snack, and the second half is all the details and serving sizes and weights for the food. It brings me out between 1,058-1,255 depending on what I choose, and it's all food I'm comfortable with. Huzzah. I've been off Ensure for nearly a week now, but I really haven't been that motivated to eat still. But now I've got my meal plan done, I can at least avoid all 'outside' options for a while yet and not have to worry about choices. Obviously, being 8 pages, I won't post it all here. But I've mostly been eating oatmeal with fruit, salad sandwiches and small serves of salad/lean protein/starch for meals, and snacks have been fruit, yoghurt, lots of peaches & custard, rice cakes and the occasional muesli bar. And I think I'm okay with most of it.

I'm wondering how much longer I'm going to stick with this, before it all comes crashing down. The voice is banging in my head louder and louder, to stop eating, to lose more weight, to throw it all away. I feel so guilty for everything I eat. I'm still in bed most of the day. I did some light cleaning the other day, and I'm still aching from it. I feel like such a fat, lazy slob. I'm too fat to be sick. I just want to run and run and run until my heart goes *ping*.

Still having anxiety attacks a couple of times a day. I think I had nearly two days without one at some point, but yeah, not lately *sigh* I really can't believe it's Sunday already. Time is just disappearing. And I'm just sitting here being a lardass. I need to run, I need to eat less, I need to get this fucking weight off. I feel so weak. No self control. I just want to cry. Why the hell did I start eating again when I was going so well? Ugh. I need to get my shit together. My head is just a constant battleground.

I saw my dietician yesterday, after another two-week break. I'd been dreading the appointment the whole time, and the day before my appointment had been my first day without Ensure for nearly three weeks. There was a lot to fill her in on.

When we got there, I just stared at the floor. I don't think I made eye contact the whole time. My dietician came to collect us from the waiting room, and she took me straight to the scales. When I first started seeing her, she would always weigh me, then we'd go back to her office and she'd check the computer to see how my weight had changed. Now, she actually checks my weight before she weighs me, and the second I step on she tells me whether I've gained or lost. "You're exactly the same". At least I didn't gain. When I'm inconsistent with my intake, I usually gain.

Walking back to her office, she said that I must be relieved, and I just blurted out "...except that I hardly ate for two weeks...". Stare at the floor, sit down, stare at my lap, and the conversation turns to a frenzy between my dietician and my mum. My thighs look so much wider, I swear they do. Mum filled her in on that I'd been drinking Ensure and told her how the past few weeks had been. I barely said two words the whole time. "...but everything was going so well last time I saw you.", she'll say, "she'd been on Ensure for four days by then", says mum. She asked me what triggered it, why I'd gone to liquids when it'd not been a problem before, why I hadn't been eating. All I could say is "I just had a hard few weeks, I just didn't want to eat"

She said that she was worried about me, and asked me to call her later in the day if I had anything to ask or talk about, that she'd be there until 6pm. I didn't. She also offered for me to come in and see her on Thursday, but again I don't think I will.  She asked about the GP, if I'd seen her, and mum told her about the anxiety attack. I feel like I'm a failure at anything, just a disappointment. I just sat there holding my head in my hands, crying, staring at the floor, silent. Though I think I did well to stay for the whole appointment, even if I didn't say much, because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't even know what to say any more.

I realised the other day, that I've maintained between 41-48kg for over 12 months now. That's a long time I have a BMI of 12-14. Obviously I wish I was closer to 41kg (I'm about 46kg now), but it's still a huge achievement to get that low and maintain under 50kg for over a year. I'm actually kinda glad I 'threw in the towel' with losing more weight, because this is a lot more sustainable I guess. I do want to lose more at some stage, down to at least 40kg, but I know it's not the right time to do that now. I feel like if I'm eating food, then I should be running. The only problem is that I barely have the energy to move. I feel so weak, so exhausted all the time. I can barely breathe and my heart still pounds at 140+ bpm. I just want to starve and run, but at the moment I don't feel I can do either. How much longer will I play this little game, until I crack and throw it all away?

I've spent a little time in the kitchen the past couple of days, just doing little chores, but I am so exhausted. I walk so slowly and unsteadily at the moment, and I'm exhausted and my heart's racing after only a few minutes on my feet. Today I'm back in bed. I'm working on a nicely formatted meal plan to print out, so mum doesn't need to keep checking how many grams of ____ I want and things like that. I feel so, so lazy. Surely I shouldn't be feeling this bad on 1,200 calories, and it's just sheer laziness keeping me bedridden. I just have such a hard time dealing with it right now. Dealing with anything, really. I haven't self harmed in two days though, which is good. For now, I'm going to get working on my meal plan to try and keep myself distracted this morning.

I hope everyone's having a good week - thank you to all who've commented, and sorry I'm so slack with replying and commenting. You guys mean the world to me <3


xxBella